I don't want to be a braggart, but I can hold the sausage hostage like a champ over here, and I can do it while watching TV, while listening to music, while dancing, you name it. But even I, with my myriad skills in this field, would not partake in a contest to determine who did it best, because I feel like every entrant is immediately somehow a loser. Think about it: Say you enter the masturbation contest, you're on a stage with 15 other people, some sad-eyed man in an ill-fighting suit whose family disowned him years ago fires a starting pistol, and then you're off? You'll start by beating the sad little thug against your own leg, maybe wringing its neck a bit, and then what? If you get off first, what does that even mean about you?
The first guy who blows it during a masturbation competition is probably insane. Because really, how can you not hold off? You're the one in charge. This implies you wanted to get off, you wanted to feel the sting of humiliation with your little dingle in your hand in front of a crowd, and hey, if that's your thing, good for you, but also bad for you. Bad! You just lost.
The guy who goes second is arguably even lamer than the guy who went first, because we all suspect the guy who came first did so on purpose to fulfill some exhibitionist thrill. The guy who did it second was just a loser.
Now all the way at the end of the competition (and I read some dude went for 10 hours and change doing this), the guy who wins is the guy who could maintain a boner but still not get off for hours upon hours while a crowd of the truly mad looked on, because you know only insane people are sticking around for 10 hours of masturbation. All this man proves to the world is that chafing is not something he's particularly worried about and, if you have sex with this person, you'll remember it thanks to the fire in your crotch that wakes you up some hours later.
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