6 Crazy Upcoming Movies You Haven't Heard Of Yet

People make love to themselves all the time -- usually in the confines of their bathrooms or basement rec dens. Rarely do we elevate the act to a public performance, and rarely would that performance get applauded by anyone who isn't sharing a drunk tank. Well the stigma ends now, dammit ... all thanks to a little documentary called Air Sex ... a film about having sex with the air.

Studio 8 Comedy
Not well, mind you.

What you're currently aroused by is the Air Sex World Championships -- a competition where 30-somethings relentlessly fuck the air like it's the hardships of their own disappointed ancestors. And if you think watching horny mimes hump at a crowd of hundreds sounds both intriguing and unsettling, allow the documentary's trailer to prove you completely right with bearded ghost Lotharios and imaginary dinosaur fucking:

Studio 8 Comedy
This is the greatest music video R. Kelly never made.

Go ahead -- lap that hot bowl with your eyes. Along with being an erotic riddle, this true story follows a championship that not only whittles down to a small group of perverted finalists -- but watches those lucky few undergo their own personal struggles along the way. It's like the Hoop Dreams for 37 random people with FetLife accounts.

We know: A caption-less film exclusively performed with sign language may sound like a one-trick pony ride to Boringtown, until you see the trailer, which graciously points out that dialogue really just gets in the way of sex and violence. And boy, is there a ton of that business in this tale of a new student at a Ukrainian school for the deaf who gets twisted in a hurricane of brawling, robbery, and truck-stop prostitution, all the while trying to win the acceptance of his peers.

Drafthouse Films
Spoiler: Things get a little out of hand for Ukrainian Michael Cera.

If the aroma of teen angst doesn't put your tail feathers at attention, there's always the fact that this genre potpourri also features tangy hints of straight-up murder. It's all done in a way that's specifically tailored for hearing audiences, while no doubt providing fun extra context for the hordes of Ukrainian Sign Language enthusiasts across the world.

Drafthouse Films
/r/UkrainianSignLanguageMurder must be blowing up.

The movie centers on a group of teenage metalheads who are unwittingly given the chords to a Satanic song, which when played turns everyone within earshot into a demon. Powered by the sharp guiding light of metal, it's up to this spunk-brimming crew of sleevelessness to incapacitate Satan's army using shed tools and kickass handshakes.

MPI Media Group
Somewhere, Jack Black is crying for not having come up with this.

The trailer for this Glenn Danzig vision quest includes a long rubber hell dick plowing into the maw of some unfortunate guy. Yes, the entire thing presents itself as one long and bloody love letter to the bands and gore of the 1980s, using practical effects and by a director normally known for doing rotoscope and compositing for films like The Avengers and Prometheus. Worst-case scenario: We now know what hours of tracing the contours of Thor's golden metal locks does to a person. And speaking of torture ...

In a surprising departure from making snuff films about how foreigners are weird, director Eli Roth's under-hyped newest is about a man who lets two unassuming young women into his house ...

Lionsgate Films
"San Dimas soaking co-eds rule!"

... who then proceed to tie him to a torture chair like a couple of sexy Mr. Blondes.

Lionsgate Films
"BOGUS!"

So maybe it's not that much of a departure from the guy who gave us blow torches to the face -- only this cautionary tale of home-invasion victimhood comes with the added bonus that our hapless hostage happens to be played by Keanu Reeves for some fucking reason.

Lionsgate Films
"How's it goin' ladies?"

The grim tale starts when our happily married brah is bombarded by two storm-drenched young women in humble need of assistance. Like a true gentleman, he happily lets the pair into his house to use the phone and crash on his penis.

Lionsgate Films
Try not to think about what the girl on the right is doing.

But after this night of guilty three-way lust, our shaggy-faced sorta-hero gets his ass tied up and is forced to listen to really loud music while being molested and having blackmail photos taken of him. Because you should never trust young people who need your help.

Lionsgate Films
"Dude, how are we gonna get out of this? We don't got any time!"

The whole compilation of talent and plot seems like it was made with a raffle drum and whiskey shooters ... all of it no doubt brought to a halt when Keanu is able to best his attackers and escape. Or not. Will Johnny Utah get shanked with a fork and dumped in a backyard grave?

Lionsgate Films
"'All we are is dust in the wind,' dude."

But it gets worse, because along with grabbing a Goonie, this vortex of suckage somehow managed to bag Adam Fucking West as well ... who plays the character "Homeless Man/Angel," who ends up smiting the bad guy with the power of public-access cable effects.

Seance Film
He either sent him to hell or to a 1998 GeoCities page.

And if you're wondering why that has all the production qualities of a late '90s Goonies fan page during a lightning storm, it turns out that Killer In The Dark was actually made back in 2000 before getting immediately concealed upon completion in a brain-shattering fit of self-awareness. Fortunately for the historical record, the film recently debuted for the first time ever on YouTube, and so a ticket costs the somewhat reasonable price of zero dollars. So yeah, although we're not exactly singing the praises of this one, there's no reason not to go buy some Mad Dog 20/20 and soak in this car fire. You'll feel like an oceanographer discovering Atlantis, if Atlantis was built solely out of orca turds.

The very NSFW trailer for Horsehead has all the sanity of Aphex Twin in a sweat lodge. The movie includes everything from gratuitous blood and boobs to macabre birth imagery and the most intense exchange with a wolf since Pulp Fiction.

Horsehead Pictures
It's like if Lars von Trier was in charge of the Red Room in Twin Peaks.

But the real star of this nightmare show is obviously the movie's titular character ... which looks like the Salem Witch Trials version of the prankster mask-wearing bro that used to teabag you in college.

Horsehead Pictures

For those wondering what possible context any of that madness has: The film is about a woman studying dream psychology in an attempt to control the batshit nightmares she's had since adolescence. After returning to her childhood home, she begins to experiment with lucid dreaming with the help of a high fever and just a dab of ether.

Horsehead Pictures
It's the chicken soup of getting high as balls.

During this twisted vision quest she hooks up with both her dead grandmother, the equine mind-reaper, and other horror-esque versions of her family members dwelling inside her Lynchian gray matter. As her lucid skills improve like Alice In Wonderland Neo, her inner travels slowly begin to uncover a deep family secret that we're assuming revolves around some kind of scorned bestiality lovechild. That's pretty much the most sense we can make of all of this.

Know of a great movie no one is talking about? Tell Papa Dave on Twitter and he'll make everything all right.

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Also check out 6 Upcoming Movie Sequels That Are Completely Doomed and 6 Insane Twist Movie Endings You Never Got To See.