In a perfect universe, doing this to your dog will still get you damned in some way, though.
So, when one of the hype-men or whatever they're called in that kind of church approached to ask if I'd be up for being saved, I literally had nothing to lose except for the approximate amount of time it would take me to smoke a cigarette, which I also really wanted to do at that particular moment. I didn't, though, and ... boom. It's in the book. That was easy. It took less time than I spent getting my eyebrow pierced in high school, and I regret it way less.
Of course, stumbling into a tiny church in Mazomanie, Wisconsin, in the midst of a weed stupor, isn't the kind of soul lottery you're all going to win. If you want to shore up your afterlife bunker with the minimum amount of work possible, I'd suggest just doing it online, which is also apparently an option. You don't even have to involve other people, except the Lord, naturally. Read a few lines and enjoy your guilt-free existence. Does that speak to the forgiving nature of God or the complete and total triviality of the "rules" of most organized religions?
Ha! I know, right? Now let's get back to hailing Satan.
Because What if Satan Is Just Science?
Ingram Publishing/Ingram Publishing/Getty Images
You fucking love science! It says so right there on your T-shirt and everything. So, here's a thought: what if Satan is really just science? All we're really dealing with, no matter what religious texts or beliefs we're talking about, are accounts of alleged events that were written and passed down by regular-ass people like us. Our capacity to know how much of it is fact and, even then, how the retelling of those facts has been twisted and altered to fit the ends and needs of the people who wrote these things down, is extremely limited. We just know what people have told us.
So ... what if everything they told us is a lie? It's not like history isn't already littered with examples of people, intentionally or otherwise, omitting important facts and information from the official record. More often than not, when you add those details back into the conversation, you end up seeing that subject in a completely different way. You might recall that this here site I work for wrote an entire book about that very phenomenon. Is it possible that Satan is just another part of that cycle? Yeah, of course it's possible. It's so possible.
No more or less so than whatever the fuck is happening in this picture.
The religious establishment spends a lot of time arguing against the validity of the defining scientific principles of our time, and it's always been that way. Science and free thinking and asking questions about why things are the way they are has been the most consistently identifiable enemy of organized religion throughout the ages, and it always will be. Trying to answer all the question of how and why the universe exists is our version of flying too close to the sun. We're proud of what we've learned how to do without divine intervention, and we're going to take it as far as we can, and the people who want you to just shut up and follow God will never see that as a good thing and will never stop warning anyone who will listen about what happens when we try to play God.
Some badass movie shit is what.
Are those warnings valid? I don't know, but if the science exists to explain everything without God, the people broadcasting those warnings stand to lose everything. That definitely plays a role in how much stock I put in the the things they say.
Don't take all this science praise as some kind of declaration of my conversion to Satanism, though, and the idea of listening to an atheist talk long enough to try to recruit me into that cause is every bit as enticing as the prospect of hearing it from a Mormon or a Jehovah's Witness (unless it's Prince).
If we're ever going to unravel the mysteries of the universe, though, it's most likely going to happen through science, and, if the Bible is to be believed, everything about that desire can be traced back to Satan "tricking" us into wanting to know how the world works. I'm not saying that is or isn't the case, because, again, no one can say for sure. I'm just saying that, if it is, I'm not convinced a lot of people aren't backing the wrong horse.
Adam is not going to hell for this, no matter what you say. Follow him on Twitter.
For more from Adam, check out 4 Irrational Fears That Aren't as Irrational as They Seem and 4 Organizations Everyone Hates (For Stupid Reasons).
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