Erin Mallory Long
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We live in an age where everyone can -- nay, must -- share every thought and comment immediately and constantly. As a result, we, as humans, come up with more terrible things to say every single day. But YOLO, amirite?
Obvi there are totes a shit-ton of redonkulous words and phrases we could def 86 with a capital hashtag, but here is a list of six words and phrases we need to stop using now.
I'm not the first person to complain about this term, of course. Chuck Klosterman took down the phrase back in 2004, but apparently Chuck didn't have enough Klout-erman (GOLD!) to banish the phrase forever.
Just a month ago I saw a promo for Revenge running on ABC calling it "your favorite guilty pleasure." I cannot, unfortunately, find evidence of said video on the Internet, so maybe I've already won this battle!
ABCAlthough it's only ABC. It's not like I beat Univision or anything.
Dave Grohl summed up my feelings on guilty pleasures in this quote, adored by Tumblr: "I don't believe in guilty pleasures, you know. I believe you should be able to like what you like, if you like a fucking Ke$ha song, listen to fucking Ke$ha."
So why do Dave Grohl, Chuck Klosterman, and I all hate this phrase?
Because why do you have to feel guilty about something you like? Unless your pleasure comes from murdering people, you should be able to enjoy anything you enjoy. The connotation of this phrase is literally "I totally love this thing but I feel ashamed about it."
ABC
We need to not be ashamed of entertainment we like (unless it's Two and a Half Men -- then you should be ashamed). It is entertainment. It's there to entertain us and ment us. We should only feel pleasure from it. So rock out to Ke$ha, love Revenge, and, I dunno, be really into ice dancing if you want. Just don't call it a guilty pleasure.
Just looking at this phrase written out is making me want to puke-stare.
When Netflix started having original content, two things happened: 1. Everyone rejoiced, because it meant we got more Arrested Development, and 2. Everyone started saying "binge-watch" in regard to how they planned to consume the episodes.
Numerous articles gave you tips on how to binge-watch these episodes, and then with each new show, the question of "But will you binge-watch?" comes up. Again and again.
Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Clearly something in need of dire planning.
I love watching episodes of TV back to back to back to back. Networks would even air multiple episodes in a row on special occasions. We called that a marathon, and while I admit that marathon runners probably don't like comparing what they do to me sitting around watching The X-Files until my butt falls off, I don't see why we needed to add "binge" to my thing. Why so negative? Why can't I just sit around watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on Netflix for days on end sans bathing without everyone telling me I'm doing something wrong? (Although now that there are only five seasons on Netflix, what's the point?)
Bottom line: "Binge" is not a word associated with Things We Are Supposed to Do. And watching TV is not something I want to have negative connotations. So, BANISHED!
Pixland/Pixland/Getty ImagesLeave "binge" for awful family-destroying things like alcohol, or drugs, or (again) Two and a Half Men.
Orgasm? Yes!
Nerdgasm, foodgasm, shoegasm, TVgasm, ve-gasm? Go to hell-gasm.
(Ve-gasm is like a vegan orgasm, so it doesn't have any dairy and is covered in hemp.)
Allen Morris/iStock/Getty ImagesBeware of any dude offering to give you a hemp necklace.
The only thing that should be attached to "-gasm" is "or-." I'd probably have less of a problem with this if you just said "food orgasm" or "clothing orgasm." That's still gross, but separating out the "gasm" part of "orgasm" is like cutting off one of Scarlett Johansson's feet: You're close to the promised land, but are you really happy with what part you have? (If you're a foot fetishist, you'll have to imagine I said "hand" or something else you don't love up there. Eyebrow. Nostril. These are just suggestions.)
Obviously we all understand that an orgasm is a good and pleasurable thing. So we then understand that a "nerdgasm" would mean a "good and pleasurable NERD thing."
Why does this have to exist? Why can't we just enjoy things a normal amount? Why does everything pleasurable have to mean sex? Can't we enjoy anything without orgasming all over it? Sometimes I want to like things a normal amount that doesn't involve bodily fluid.
Wendy Hope/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Hey, hon, can you grab me a condom? I wanna watch the new Sherlock."
(Sidebar: Anyone else learn what an orgasm was from reading the back of the When Harry Met Sally VHS and then sussing out what part of the movie they were referring to?)
I think what we need to kill this one is for a singer to record a song called "Literally" that gets the word wrong over and over again.
Yes, just like the mid-'90s and Alanis Morissette destroyed our ability to properly use the word "ironic," now we can't get enough of saying (and misusing) "literally."
Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images"Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?" There. I made the terrible joke so you won't have to. You're welcome, comment section.
Everyone on the Internet is "literally dead right now" or "literally can't" or "literally just peed their pants," and if that were all true in a literal sense, then, well, the Internet is a more disturbing place than I imagined.
David Cross' 2002 takedown of the word is hilarious and worth a watch, but the fact that that was over 10 years ago and it's still a problem is ... troubling.
And no, I don't think a good solution is for everyone to annoyingly say "figuratively." That's not going to solve anyone's problems. Let's just save "literally" for when it is true. Like, if you say, "I'm literally going to murder you right now," why don't you actually murder that person? You might go to jail for the rest of your life, but at least you'd know you died sticking to your literal guns, assuming you used guns for the murder.
Dan Bannister/iStock/Getty Images"I'm a man of convictions and convictions."
"That awkward moment" is, basically, supposed to be followed by a universal anecdote. "That awkward moment when you fall asleep in class and then randomly twitch violently" being an example.
But now, as with most memes, it seems more of an opportunity to bring up what is essentially a humblebrag.
Focus Features"I'm Zac Efron and I'm holding an adorable kitten? Awkward!"
"That awkward moment when you have dinner at Kathy Griffin's house for a work function" would be a good example of a dickish one I could have said a couple jobs ago.
But basically, everything about this is redundant. The Internet, and human interaction in general, is about finding shared experiences and pointing them out so that other people can say, "WHOA WAIT I FEEL THAT TOO!" So there's no need to put it in this restrictive "awkward moment" frame. This is just what we're conditioned to do anyway.
Amazeballs! For when you can't possibly just say "amazing" and also want to alert everyone that you think balls are great!
Since when do we use the word "balls" like that? The mere fact that this phrase was popularized by Perez Hilton should give you an idea of where we should place it in our cultural experience.
Cindy Ord/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty ImagesVery low.
Totes amazeballs. YOLO. Hashtag whatev.
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