5

Organic Food Isn't Any Healthier

Trinette Reed/Blend Images/Getty Images

BLAMAGAZOO. Now you're in a grocery store. I've teleported you again. That "blamagazoo" was the sound of a cashier's childhood dying. Before you looms shelves of food, stretched out like a thousand tiny, can-shaped people standing at rapt, dignified attention for you -- the Infuser of Judgment, He Who Decides What Is Eaten. The God Mouth. Some of the food is marked "organic" and some isn't, which, gosh, that seems like the easiest decision in the world since you really shouldn't eat inorganic matter like plastic or candy corn.

arinahabich/iStock/Getty Images
It's not fucking food, you guys.

4

Having a Tidy Desk Doesn't Necessarily Make You a Better Worker

Thomas Northcut/Digital Vision/Getty Images

SCRUNCH. Now you're in your childhood home. The "scrunch" you heard was the sound of your head crashing through the drywall. Sorry about that; I sorta screwed up my calculations there. But I know the pain in your head is nothing compared with the feeling of irritation when your parents used to hassle you about your desk and room not being properly cleaned up! I mean, their bookshelf was always so organized, even though it was like three times as big as your desk, and how is that even fair? Right? Right? What snobs your parents were!

Back before they got "too good" for living on their own and started needing hoity-toity 24-hour care to survive and to remind them what their names are. But boy will they be embarrassed when you show them ...

The Wonderfully Vindicating Science

Turns out that a messy desk can be a great boon for your creative drive. It's not that tidiness is bad, just that neater habits and messier habits both have their own strengths: messy people tend to be more creative, while tidy people tend to eat more healthily and give to charity.

Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty
I don't make the rules, man.

3

Coffee Is Actually Bad for Creativity

imtmphoto/iStock/Getty Images

SKWORP! Now you're in a coffee shop. The "skworp" you heard was holy mother of Christ I teleported you inside the barista. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh Jesus Jack-Hammering Mohammed, I need to-

SKLURP!

OK, you're clear. No, I don't think he's going to be OK! I need to get rid of the body. SCUMP. There we go. OK. Where were we?

You're surrounded by the unwashed hoards of pretense. Nowhere is there more condescending arrogance and foolhardy buffoonery than the American coffee shop. The walls are lined with Macbook Pros, adorned with snowboarding stickers probably, being dutifully tapped at by smirking goons wearing fedoras and scarves and wool coats. That one! The guy with the ascot and the ironic Good Charlotte shirt! He looks intense, like he's typing on his next screenplay, but I bet if I went over there and looked it'd just be a Facebook chat window.

John Lund/Marc Romanelli/Blend Images/Getty
GOTCHA SUCKAAAAAAAA!

How do I know this? How can I be so judgmental of coffee shop snobs?

The Wonderfully Vindicating Science

Because caffeine doesn't actually make you more creative! Turns out that caffeine makes you more focused, makes concentration easier, and staves off weariness -- and those are all things that move you away from being creative. New ideas and exciting solutions to problems require a wandering, unfocused mind that will leap nonsensically from, say, space travel to cowboys or Sherlock Holmes to 1980s sketch comedians or your favorite childhood board game to the fact that you have hundreds of millions of dollars that you need to spend right now before anyone starts asking questions.

So, everyone sitting around in your coffee shops, acting all pleased with yourself and being arrogant: you're nothing but a silly, silly snob, and you just got straight debunked. C'mon, Strawman Audience Surrogate. We outta here.

2

Marijuana Also Makes You Less Creative

Yarygin/iStock/Getty Images

BAM. We're back on your couch, chilling with your bro Skylar. The "bam" you heard was the door to your studio apartment slamming shut, since we walked here, because I need a minute to fiddle with my teleporter machine. Your coffee table is covered in schematics and blue prints stretching back to your second year in high school. Skylar reaches into his massive wool coat and pulls out a small glass bowl packed tightly full of The Devil's Lettuce. He takes a long drag and, grinning as he exhales, says, "Yeah, son -- let's design ourselves a drag racer."

This is the only way he knows how to work. Weed frees the creative mind, you see, and anyone who doesn't enjoy it is just afraid of the strange and unfamiliar thoughts that it gives your brain unmitigated access to. At least, according to the snobs.

The Wonderfully Vindicating Science

Turns out that the ol' Greenery for the Scenery is more likely to inhibit creativity than stimulate it. After scientists gave marijuana-using subjects varying doses of THC before administering a creativity quiz, they found that the higher doses had a negative impact on the ability to make connections between ideas and generating solutions for problems. As for why people think marijuana makes them more creative, well, it probably has something to do with the fact that they're high.

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images
"High on how much sense I'm making.

As for why it has the reputation -- well, I don't know for sure, but I think it probably has something to do with self-medication. We already know that mental illnesses are closely related to creativity and likely to go undiagnosed. We also know that marijuana is a common tool for self-medication among the anxious and depressed.

1

Giving Up Booze and Meat Won't Make You Live Longer

Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images

Floof! Now you're at work. That "floof" that you barely heard was me opening and closing the time-and-space-tunnel, because I've gotten really good at this. It was hard, too -- I put a lot of time into getting good at this machine, and I don't mind talking it up a bit, so just back off. Anyway. You're sitting at a table eating your lunch with your co-workers, and as you cram a 12-inch-long cheesesteak sandwich dripping with thick, translucent-brown heart-stopper gel, you see what your co-worker is eating. You know the one. The healthy one.

The one that eats salads and carrots and fruit and drinks tea because his body is a temple. And on top of being generally healthier and more attractive, he's probably going to live longer than you. AHHHHHH SNOOOOOOOOOBS!!!

The Wonderfully Vindicating Science

Nope, turns out that abstaining from red meat and alcohol will do little to stave off the grim reaper, because, in the end, as Neil Gaiman wrote in Brief Lives, we all get a lifetime. Nothing more, nothing less. Even if you control for outside factors, like previous damage done by heavy drinking or other unhealthy living habits.

Ryan McVay/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Probably.

Don't you see, snobs? Any attempt to better yourself is a fool's errand, because, in the end, it's the oldest joke ever told that'll be your undoing. Your own filthy body, the rotting prison of your mind is your own true master. Nothing you enjoy or value will ever matter. No matter how hard you care for your physical form, no matter how desperately you cling to the people close to you that you love, you're still gonna die. Then you'll rot and pass into memory and, shortly thereafter, disappear from that as well. In hardly a tick of the clock it will be exactly as if you never existed.

So suck it, snobs. We win. FIST BUMP.

JF Sargent is an editor and a columnist for Cracked with a new piece here every Tuesday. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

For more from Sarge, check out 5 Ways Tech Companies Let You Know They Think You're Dumb and 5 Reasons We Will Always Blame the Victim.

Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.