Hear that, Skylar, you goddamn snob? You don't use marijuana for creative pursuits! You're just self-medicating for an undiagnosed mental disorder! Your quality of life is never as high as it could be if you got proper care, you goddamn snob! Hey, I'm talking to you! Skylar! Skylar!
I think he fell asleep. Let's just go.
Giving Up Booze and Meat Won't Make You Live Longer
Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images
Floof! Now you're at work. That "floof" that you barely heard was me opening and closing the time-and-space-tunnel, because I've gotten really good at this. It was hard, too -- I put a lot of time into getting good at this machine, and I don't mind talking it up a bit, so just back off. Anyway. You're sitting at a table eating your lunch with your co-workers, and as you cram a 12-inch-long cheesesteak sandwich dripping with thick, translucent-brown heart-stopper gel, you see what your co-worker is eating. You know the one. The healthy one.
The one that eats salads and carrots and fruit and drinks tea because his body is a temple. And on top of being generally healthier and more attractive, he's probably going to live longer than you. AHHHHHH SNOOOOOOOOOBS!!!
The Wonderfully Vindicating Science
Nope, turns out that abstaining from red meat and alcohol will do little to stave off the grim reaper, because, in the end, as Neil Gaiman wrote in Brief Lives, we all get a lifetime. Nothing more, nothing less. Even if you control for outside factors, like previous damage done by heavy drinking or other unhealthy living habits.
Ryan McVay/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Don't you see, snobs? Any attempt to better yourself is a fool's errand, because, in the end, it's the oldest joke ever told that'll be your undoing. Your own filthy body, the rotting prison of your mind is your own true master. Nothing you enjoy or value will ever matter. No matter how hard you care for your physical form, no matter how desperately you cling to the people close to you that you love, you're still gonna die. Then you'll rot and pass into memory and, shortly thereafter, disappear from that as well. In hardly a tick of the clock it will be exactly as if you never existed.
So suck it, snobs. We win. FIST BUMP.
JF Sargent is an editor and a columnist for Cracked with a new piece here every Tuesday. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
For more from Sarge, check out 5 Ways Tech Companies Let You Know They Think You're Dumb and 5 Reasons We Will Always Blame the Victim.
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