5

Draenei

battle.net

In World of Warcraft, Draenei are a race of aliens who had to flee their home world due to many paragraphs of nerd backstory that will interest you only if you already know the story. It's a weird Mobius strip of nerd knowledge. For the enjoyment of this article all you need to know is they have Russian accents, blue skin, tails, horns, and hooves. And you might be inclined to tap that. Try to imagine the sexiest goat you ever saw, and then give it a pretty OK ass. And it sounds like Pussy Riot.

While male Draenei have been designed to look like a blue-skinned Eastern European lumberjack, the females all seem to have their back arched in that "I think I dropped something in my vagina, could you find a way to poke it out?" fashion that's so popular among artists these days. They also tend to have pretty decent racks and, despite the hooves, some shapely gams. I can't account for their tails, however, as they seem to be protruding right from the bunghole area, but who am I to question alien anatomy? I'm just a guy who felt it move when he was looking at a half-dressed Draenei lady once.

You have to give credit to the artists over at Blizzard who have to work with some pretty ungainly creations. Sure, the humans and various elves lend themselves to sexy artwork, but these hardworking artists are trying to give you boners for goat ladies, the walking dead, a race of cow people, and werewolves. It can't be easy to be drawing goat and cow boobs all day.

4

Fionna

adventuretime.wikia.com

If you've never seen Adventure Time you're missing out on one of the craziest mind trips of a cartoon series ever. It looks like it should appeal to tweens, yet the backstory, as slowly revealed over several seasons, is one of a terribly depressing post-apocalyptic world of loss and loneliness, plus bacon pancakes.

At some point the show offered up a gender-swap episode, based on a comic book created by the villainous and somewhat insane Ice King, in which everyone is the opposite sex. The hero, Finn the Human, becomes Fionna the Human Girl, and despite the simplistic art style, there's a curiously sexual undertone to the entire thing, with all the princes vying for her affections and the fact that she wears knee socks and a short skirt while wielding a big pink sword. While Finn is drawn as pretty much a Tetris piece with rabbit ears, Fionna is made deliberately curvy and curiously athletic, with hip and breast definition. Am I sick for noticing that? Probably.

The fact that Adventure Time, despite being a cartoon, is rife with sexual innuendo makes it pretty clear this is no accident. Fionna is the Ice King's fan fiction, and we all know how depraved fan fiction is. Plus the fact is the Ice King, when not trying to kill Finn and Jake, spends most of the series trying to bang princesses, even the gross ones. So Ice King is a horny old man about 22/7.

If this also implies the Ice King has latent sexual desire for Finn, well, that's an episode for another day when the creators feel it's OK to tackle an impossibly ancient man's sexual attraction to an orphaned pubescent boy.

3

Arcee

Gawker

2

Cartman's Mom

Southpark.wikia.com

This speaks volumes about my own psychological shortcomings, but I am what I am and I'm cool with that. If I were a flappy little construction-paper cutout living in South Park, I would bang Cartman's mom like a drum.

Cartman's mom is some kind of two-dimensional sexual dynamo, and she's clearly a dirty girl. I'm not ashamed to admit I like that in a woman. Sexual inexperience isn't a deal-breaker or anything, but when you meet a woman who's even more obscene than you are, and you're as obscene as me, well that's just swell.

1

Janice the Muppet

muppet.wikia.com

I like musicians, so maybe this whole entry is biased. But for real, Janice the Muppet is one sweet piece of felt ass, albeit one with a dude's hand in it already. As part of the band Electric Mayhem, she's obviously a cool chick, probably down with partying, 420, that sort of thing. But she also wears short skirts, has some big lips, and plays lead guitar. She plays lead guitar! Everyone wants to bang the person who plays lead guitar. The guy who plays lead guitar in every hideous, ass-faced band in rock 'n' roll history still somehow wrung some sex appeal out of that instrument. Even bass players get laid. Look at all the women who have, allegedly intentionally, boned Gene Simmons, even though he looks like a bag of smashed assholes in a pube helmet.

Without getting too vulgar, Janice's mouth also looks like it was designed for some sort of specific purpose or other. In real life it'd be offensive to suggest this about a lady and her lips -- after all, who is she to change her genetics? You have the lips you're born with. But Janice wasn't born, she was manufactured, and they manufactured that Muppet with some big ol' lips. I'm just saying, maybe she gives a decent Muppet blowie. I guarantee I'm not the only person who's thought about this. For instance, the guy who designed her lips probably thought this. Was it Jim Henson? I don't know, but just because the man designed beloved puppets for a living doesn't mean he didn't go home at night to have a glass of Scotch and some crazy puppet sex.