If The Sandman is a horror sundae swirling with amazing talent and story, then the Godfather of Punk is the shirtless cherry on top. Only I'm not finished yet, as this analogical dessert is getting slathered with a soundtrack by the band Goblin -- which you horror fans might know as the ones behind Suspiria's iconic music. So it's basically a horror classic in the making starring one of the most iconic punk singers alive, and it only has 5,000 Facebook likes. Meanwhile, the sequel to the Hasbro-produced Ouija movie has two million views on YouTube, you goddamn monsters.

And speaking of abominations ...

Together, they go on a series of wacky and grotesque race adventures while attempting to release the motor ogre back to which it once came. Oh, and somewhere along the way, they manage to find even more of these truck-dwelling spaghetti demons.

Paramount Pictures
Layout Note: Is the pink one supposed to be censored? It feels weird that it's not censored ...

It's Free Willy meets Hot Wheels Attack Pack, with a splash of profound, visceral horror. And while none of this is particularly special if you were watching a Syfy original movie, it turns out that Paramount Pictures has somehow spent a mind-fucking $125 million on this exuberant debacle -- a move they are clearly trying to bury by quietly opening the film in January after pushing back the release four different times. That means the film is either a smoldering pile of horse debris or so overwhelmingly world-changing that the studio has hidden it like the Ark of the Covenant. Either way, we should support it -- if only to encourage more big-budget blockbusters crafting original premises out of mescaline nightmares and cocaine doodles. After all, it's this exact kind of terrorhouse delirium that made every classic children's film from the 80s.

In fairness, there are a number of things she might be doing to that marionette -- but judging by the film's synopsis, it's fair to say that we're witnessing some kind of amazing deviance. Told in three parts via three different perspectives, the unraveling story follows a conman seeking to marrying a rich man's niece in order to steal his family fortune -- only to be double-crossed by his accomplice, a young woman posing as the niece's maid. This triangle involves a series of elaborate sex scenes featuring everything from knives to tentacle porn to dentistry to a goddamn fetish dungeon of preserved genitalia.

BAC Films
This is all I'm allowed to show you.

If you've seen the beautifully shot depravity and emotional gut-stabbing that was Oldboy, you know damn well that this is the film Fifty Shades wishes it was as it cries itself to sleep at night.

This random and tragic event was both dramatized and spoofed for years and years afterward. Now, thanks to a documentary called Tower, it appears we're getting our first truly thorough play-by-play of what happened ... all bizarrely animated like a Wikipedia illustration.

Go-Valley
Nothing better represents the ugliness of humanity quite like cel shading.

Rotoscoped over real actors, the film recreates each sickening gunshot as described by the real-life people who witnessed the terror. The result looks more like an ultra-stylized action film than a documentary -- save for the real-life footage peppered throughout.

Go-Valley
The soundtrack is by A-ha.

Frankly, it seems safer witnessed through the lens of a cartoon, as these very real events will no doubt haunt the viewer like a cursed painting. Having won several awards at those fancy festivals with the leaves n' shit, the movie is currently screening in select theaters around the country. Be sure to bring the kids!

Director Terrence Malick is an acquired taste. Back in 2011, his experimental feature Tree Of Life was so disjointed in narrative that when a theater in France accidentally played the reels out of order, no one in the audience noticed. But that's how T-Mack likes to jam -- dreamily picturesque, and with more celebrity beachgoing than TMZ's front page.

Fox Searchlight Pictures
Although TMZ Sean Penn usually features more punching.

Also, sometimes he has dinosaurs in his films, because why the fuck not? Extra points for exploring eons of existence and the very nature of mankind. And this is why it only makes sense that his first-ever documentary is a 40-minute IMAX exploration of the entire universe as narrated by Brad Pitt.

Broad Green Pictures

Broad Green Pictures

Broad Green Pictures

Broad Green Pictures
Because 40 minutes is really all you need to cover EXISTENCE AS WE KNOW IT.

Everyone clean your bongs for Voyage Of Time -- a film shot over the course of four goddamn decades and spanning the entire globe in order to visually recreate cosmic and microscopic events that mankind is unable to witness firsthand. Think of it like Fantasia meets a PBS special -- all made under the watchful eyes of scientists from MIT, UC Berkeley, Cambridge, and Caltech.

But it's not just the content that's a scientific marvel. The film's visual effects were achieved through a combination of CGI, models, real locations, and chemical reactions filmed at varying camera speeds.

Broad Green Pictures
You've never realized watching paint dry could be so mind-blowing.

Because it's not enough making an epic documentary about the wonder of cosmos; you also have to shoot it in the most God-punchingly tedious way imaginable.