5

Terminator vs. Rambo

A 65-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to the role that made him famous that isn't Conan, while a 66-year-old Sylvester Stallone once again puts on the headband of his iconic solo warrior, as two worlds collide in a way that literally could not hope to make sense. But don't worry, it doesn't need to!

Skynet, being a supercomputer, doesn't actually spend all day every day trying to kill Christnickward Balnortstahl. It's a sentient program that exists in all kinds of machines -- it can probably process a billion thoughts a second. So while it's sending machines back in time and totally cheating at FreeCell, it also has other targets it needs to eliminate, and chief among them is John Rambo.

After determining that Rambo seems to be incapable of dying or properly aging, instead suffering from a curious sort of vascular swelling that increases with age, Skynet has targeted him for destruction. The threat he poses is too damn high, and in the future, as little more than a bundle of bulgy veins held tight beneath jerky-like flesh and armed with multiple firearms, he is the closest thing to a biological Skynet in existence.

4

Star Wars vs. Aliens

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a finger-vagina-butt with a tail latched onto Yoda's brother's face and impregnated his chest cavity with a ravenous xenomorph embryo. The resulting spawn was a short green bitey thing that had piss-poor grammar and ravaged the entire planet.

Yoda and scant few others of his species escaped the planet but vowed to return and save their world from the alien scourge. Of course, when you are under 3 feet tall and barely have elbows, this is easier said than done. Skills need to be honed. Badass skills. Jedi skills. Maybe even skillz.

Now, totally in CG, with no actors, animatronics, real locations, or soul, Master Yoda returns to the world of his birth to kick some acid-dribbling ass. This issue has never been addressed in previous Aliens films, but it's a good bet that, at least some of the time, aliens poop acid.

With only a light saber and inconsistent speech patterns, Yoda must work his way in semi-gory fashion through an excessive amount of alien drones before finding the queen, just like in every Alien movie except the first one. You may be thinking Alien 3, but remember, Ripley had a queen inside of her. And it's possible there was no queen in Aliens vs. Predator 2, but of course no one even saw that movie, so no one can say either way. Please don't take this opportunity to note in the comments that you did see the movie, because it will just out you as a liar.

3

Inglourious Basterds vs. the Warriors

From Quentin Tarantino. From the worst costume designer in history. From Germany all the way to the dystopian future of late 1970s New York City.

After defeating Hitler and halting the German war machine, the Basterds return home for a well-earned rest. Even the blown-up ones, let's say. They got shot out a window or whatever. Shut up. But all is not peaceful stateside any longer as, with no fear of Nazis or Christoph Waltz, society has fallen into ruin. Ruin and 30 years in the future. So this one is harder to reconcile than the previous ones, I guess. Or maybe the Basterds are just 30 years older and have to come out of retirement. Yeah, let's do that.

So after living as heroes for 30 years, the Basterds join forces again to clean up the gang-ruled streets of New York on the night that Cyrus, leader of the Gramercy Riffs, is murdered. Mostly this is an excuse to watch the Bear Jew take the bat from the hands of a Baseball Fury and beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

As the Warriors attempt to escape the gangs that are out for their blood, the Basterds are on their trail as well, assuming they're the baddest gang in town. And determining the baddest gang in The Warriors is no easy task, since each one is more foolish-looking than the next. Except for the Riffs, because they're all black guys, so you know they're tough.

Things come to a head on Coney Island as the Warriors, the Basterds, and the evil Rogues meet up and we discover the true leader of the Rogues, the scarred and furious Hans Landa. Didn't see that shit coming, did you? Let's say Brad Pitt kills him this time, but not before he says, "Basterds, come out and pla-ay" in that cool accent.

2

Wolverine vs. Batman

1

Ghostbusters vs. Paranormal Activity

There's something strange in this damn house. For like the fifth time. It's the exact same strange thing that happened all the previous times. It's so goddamn boring and repetitive. Does anyone care? Because you need to stop caring. Stop caring or these awful movies will never go away. Only one thing can save it. The Ghostbusters.

Whoever the hell the people from those other Paranormal Activity movies were are back, if they're alive, and some asshole keeps opening and closing doors on them. It's a real pain in the ass, as you can imagine. Of course, by this point, we're pretty sure it's the forces of evil, because that's what happens at the end of every movie, I think. How do they keep making sequels to this shitburger?

When the pots and pans rattling and doors letting in drafts becomes too much to bear, Peter Venkman and crew are called in to investigate. Venkman thinks it's a simple case of some fly-by-night slimer, but Egon and Ray aren't convinced -- this is clearly a free-floating full-body vacuous sack of douche apparition. But the truth is more than any of them realize as they begin their investigation and determine that it's a fourth century B.C. Mesopotamian demigod known as the Plot Contriver, once worshiped by cults of insipid and uninspired but greedy screenwriters and drunken teenagers.

It's the toughest battle yet for Peter and the guys, and maybe more than four men carrying unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs can handle. Except for it's guaranteed to end the exact same way the rest of the movies did, so they just set up a ghost trap in front of the camera in the bedroom and wait for the dumbass demon to run into it.

Cue awesome Ray Parker Jr. song.