The panty-hate phenomenon is real; I'm just not part of it. That might be because I'm a man, (or, you know, a dude). Based on what I've read as well as independent research, women don't seem to like saying or hearing the word "panties," while men remain indifferent, perhaps because they become instantly distracted whenever they hear it, for some reason.

What it is:

Underwear for ladies and girls. Not much else I can say about it. If you didn't know what panties were, I'm really sorry that you had to learn it from me. Really sorry.

Use it in an Awful Sentence:

"Your sister and mother are at the mall, shopping for panties."

What it Actually Calls to Mind:

An irritating piece of slang that horrible people would use to describe someone who was acting prissy or cranky. Like, you know how the most annoying character in a sitcom set in an office always accuses someone who's pissed off as having "a case of the Mondays?" If you came to work very irritable, that same person would say "Ooh, call the doctor, it looks like Johnson over here has come down with a case of The Panties, heh heh. Hope it's not contagious, or else we'll have a panty-demic on our hands!"

I sure do hate you, Guy-I-Just-Invented.

What it is:

Dictionary.com defines it as a "shapeless mass or blob of something, esp. soft food," and that's certainly not doing the word any favors. As a rule, I try to avoid using words that could be used to define the amount of matter that a baby threw up.

Use it in an Awful Sentence:

"Doctor? I'm concerned, my 10-month-old just threw up about a dollup of egg yolk and orange pulp. Should I take him to the emergency room?"

No, just bury him and please never call me again, that fictional doctor should have said.

What it Actually Calls to Mind:

You know that loose bit of skin fat that dangles under the chins of old folks, (Not jowls, it's more central than that)? It's like a loose, wrinkly dewlap for old people?

That's a dollop.

"A liquid secreted by the mucous membranes of mammalians," which is either the definition of phlegm or a list of allergies as written by my boner.

Use it in an Awful Sentence:

I can't come up with anything better than this sentence ripped from a website dedicating to understanding and removing phlegm:

"If the color of your phlegm is brown or gray, it may be your body is expelling tars or resins built up from smoking or inhaling large amounts of dust."

What it Actually Calls to Mind:

A supervillain made entirely out of globs of fat. Plus he's always wet and he stands way too close to you, and his special move is he puts his finger in your mouth and you hate it. And the heroes are all "Oh, crap, The Phlegm is at it again, he's down at the children's hospital and just ... just leaking everywhere, and bumming everyone out. He smells like a bag of butts that got peed on. Last time I fought him he kept trying to pinch my thighs. That's, fuck it, I'm just gonna kill him. Soon as I see him."

"Mucous" sure is getting a whole lot of play today.

Use it in an Awful Sentence:

"As you can see, the patient's enflamed scrotum is pulsating irregularly; the best treatment is this viscous ointment that, oddly enough, I acquired by milking another one of my patients. Funny story, actually..."

What it Actually Calls to Mind:

Some kind of horrible growth, in my imagination. Like a giant wart, but angrier. A huge, throbbing goiter that grows out of your neck and ruins your good time. "What's that? Oh, that's just my ointment, it becomes engorged whenever I'm nervous. Please don't touch it, it shoots a lot of fairly pungent puss when it gets manipulated in anyway."