Today, on the XX day of [month], 2017, human female, singer of songs, and Pink Panther actress Beyonce Knowles has given birth to twins. The mother and newborns, either a boy and girl, or boy and boy, or girl and teratoma, are happy and healthy. She and her husband Kanye West have named the babies Hank and Fred, after exhausting all their celebrity weird-naming abilities on their first child, Green Poison Oak.
The birthing went smoothly, starting with contractions happening in Beyonce's very uterus, and not that of a surrogate, unlike last time when she shoved a pillow up her dress for nine months. She then took to the customary diamond-encrusted birthing bed, where she snapped Instagram selfies in which she looked more beautiful sweaty and covered in placenta than you will on your wedding day.
The room was filled with flowers, white candles, rare human skulls, and an endangered snow leopard, which were all demanded by the singer's rider before she would lower herself to lay her young at a meager hospital. Beyonce also received an epidural, giving a middle finger to mommy bloggers who think you only win childbirth if you can feel yourself getting ripped in half by two bowling balls. The epidural was sponsored by Dairy Queen, and the laboring mother was given a limited-edition "Crowning Queen" frosty Blizzard created just for the occasion.
These will be the last calories she consumes for six months.