[Ed. Note: In order to get a jump on the second most anticipated birth in the history of humanity, and the first one not to involve a virgin, we here at Cracked decided to write the announcement ahead of time. Suck on that, competitors. Please note that in our rush to get you the facts as quickly as possible, some information might be slightly incorrect, and for that we apologize.]
But then, she still hasn't apologized for whatever this was, so we're not that sorry.
Today, on the XX day of [month], 2017, human female, singer of songs, and Pink Panther actress Beyonce Knowles has given birth to twins. The mother and newborns, either a boy and girl, or boy and boy, or girl and teratoma, are happy and healthy. She and her husband Kanye West have named the babies Hank and Fred, after exhausting all their celebrity weird-naming abilities on their first child, Green Poison Oak.
The birthing went smoothly, starting with contractions happening in Beyonce's very uterus, and not that of a surrogate, unlike last time when she shoved a pillow up her dress for nine months. She then took to the customary diamond-encrusted birthing bed, where she snapped Instagram selfies in which she looked more beautiful sweaty and covered in placenta than you will on your wedding day.
The room was filled with flowers, white candles, rare human skulls, and an endangered snow leopard, which were all demanded by the singer's rider before she would lower herself to lay her young at a meager hospital. Beyonce also received an epidural, giving a middle finger to mommy bloggers who think you only win childbirth if you can feel yourself getting ripped in half by two bowling balls. The epidural was sponsored by Dairy Queen, and the laboring mother was given a limited-edition "Crowning Queen" frosty Blizzard created just for the occasion.
These will be the last calories she consumes for six months.
The attending doctor was the sexy cardiothoracic surgeon Dr. Oz, so the newborns would imprint on a handsome face as their first visual experience. Representatives from the Illuminati, who were present as witnesses to verify the birth, rushed forth to kiss the babies' hands and swear fealty. Every time the babies cried, a nurse was summarily executed. The newborns each weighed in at 6.66 lbs 6.66 ozs, with full heads of hair and perfect teeth.
Upon hearing the news of the birth, Beyonce's swarms of fans (or the "Beyhive," as they prefer to be called) gazed upon the newborns, sacrificed goats in their name, then drank strychnine en masse in order to enter the afterlife with purified souls.
We here at Cracked wish Beyonce and her future presidents all the best. Please remember our relentless devotion when the reaping comes.
Kathy wrote a very funny book called FUNERALS TO DIE FOR, and you can buy it here. Or follow her on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter. Thank you to Richard Jensen for letting me steal his goat joke!
For more check out The 20 Most Bizarre Celebrity Baby Names and 5 Signs That Prove Jay-Z Is Turning into Kanye West.
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How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.