The music video opens with Shira singing "I know you miss this muffin" while carrying a cupcake into a bakery. The proprietor looks at the cupcake, smells it, decides he likes the scent of heavy-handed symbolism and makes a shockingly bad business decision by paying money to someone else for a product he exclusively sells. Only 20 seconds in and already I'm nauseous with confusion.

In the rest of the song, Shira rides around on top of a Camaro rapping through the thinly veiled analogy of desserts about how much guys like physically abusing her genitals. As a guy, I'm pretty confident that neither one of us would actually enjoy that. Shira really has to hate sex to think this adequately describes intercourse. It's the most halfhearted and depressing offer of sexuality to an audience since the ass-to-ass scene in

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

As Shira furiously grinds and sweats through the chorus, insisting that guys want nothing more than to pound on her muffin, the shots are interspersed with a man, fully clothed, dead asleep.

The face of o'erflowing lust.

"Oh, also. Will you tell your mom I won't be at the book club this week?"

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

One of the pivotal lines in the song is "The bigger the dick-ah, the quick-ah." It's never really clear what exactly is getting proportionally quicker with the size of a dick-ah, so we're left to terrify ourselves with the possibilities. I'm going to assume she means stem-cell research for geriatric immortality.

While I admire the ambitiousness of trying to squeeze sex and holiday spirit into such tiny Santa outfits, "Jingle Bells Swag" is a nice reminder that just because something is ambitious doesn't mean it's a good idea. Even if your impetus for celebrating Christmas isn't structured around religion, it's a holiday that's synonymous with families coming together, and trying to hogtie sex to that tradition feels gross. Granted, it has its touching moments. Money Boy notices at 1:57 that his friend doesn't have a bra on, so, being thoughtful, he gives her one for Christmas at 2:17. But any semblance of real-life relationships devolves pretty quickly when he gives the other girl a bra, too, just 15 seconds later, and no one is upset about that fact. Instead, the girls strip for him and they all share some seasonal drink in plastic cups. Jingle Bells Swag, indeed.

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

While singing "Merry Merry Christmas," Money Boy stuffs bills into the underwear of a stripper. It's particularly sad because until this point I had assumed they were at least acquaintances, but in a single act it's clear that Money Boy is spending Christmas with strippers and paying them to be there. Suddenly it's the saddest Christmas song I've ever heard.

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

"Muhfee crum pah mess IS IT TRUUUUUE?"

At 2:18, the camera angle shifts between the stripper's legs, and it's the first time the woman and R..A..E..D are in the same shot. Before this moment, we could have assumed that these poor strippers didn't know they were part of a train wreck, but at this moment it had to be crystal clear for them. She had to see him sing. A grown woman had to stand there with a camera between her legs as this nightmare unfolded right in front of her. A nightmare with which she would forever be affiliated and which she was helpless to stop.

"Grippin That Daddy," from start to finish, feels like a reading comprehension test for robots on human sexuality. All the right elements are present -- temptation, passion, jealousy, pregnancy, lust -- but they're all thrown together like a meal in a blender. It is the clumsiest and most confused approach to seduction I've ever seen in a music video. Speaking of which, fair warning, if the prospect of penis mutilation by way of fabric scissors sounds unappealing to you, don't watch the very end.

While sex as a concept is certainly present, everything feels slightly off about it: The man gets pregnant, he's assaulted by his girlfriend/wife when he tells her and BrookerT grows increasingly more jealous and insecure throughout the song, all while rapping about what a sensational lay she is. Every aspect of the plot contradicts the lyrics of the song, plus BrookerT's relentless insistence that she's "tight" starts to feel suspiciously like a trap by the third verse. I wouldn't be surprised if in the last scene of the video, her wig fell slightly askew, revealing that she's actually some kind of male milking contraption designed to gather human sperm for fuel on behalf of the machines.

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

After running out of similes for her snare-like vagina (vaginoose -- you're welcome, BrookerT), she spends the last few seconds of the video chasing her pregnant boyfriend around with scissors, then knocks him down and cuts off his genitals. BrookerT earned the No. 1 spot on this list because I don't feel any shame in saying that she terrifies me. I'm not even sure it's possible to intentionally misrepresent human sexuality as thoroughly as she has here.

"Trust me, I'm really a lot of fun."

You can follow Soren on Twitter or allow him to seduce you on Tumblr.

For more ways Soren will turn you off from sex forever, check out My Sexual Encounter with Ke$ha: A Tale of Horror and The 8 Most Misguided Attempts at 'Sexy' Videos on YouTube.