4

"Diggin It" -- Hayla

With choreographed dancing, costume changes and fire handlers, "Diggin It" could easily be mistaken for a real music video, at least in the brief moments where the camera is too far away to see Hayla's face. Now, your first thought as you watch this may be (as mine was), "Oh hey, my mom's friend made a music video." That's not the case. Hayla just has a look to her that's common among older women, due almost exclusively to the fact that she is really really old.

3

"Jingle Bells Swag" -- Money Boy

If you've found yourself thinking "Christmas is a great holiday and all, but it would be 10 times better if it just had more insinuations of hardcore sex," then Money Boy made this song for you. His verses are all in German, but he has tapped into the universal language of Christmas humping, so nothing is lost on the viewer.

While I admire the ambitiousness of trying to squeeze sex and holiday spirit into such tiny Santa outfits, "Jingle Bells Swag" is a nice reminder that just because something is ambitious doesn't mean it's a good idea. Even if your impetus for celebrating Christmas isn't structured around religion, it's a holiday that's synonymous with families coming together, and trying to hogtie sex to that tradition feels gross. Granted, it has its touching moments. Money Boy notices at 1:57 that his friend doesn't have a bra on, so, being thoughtful, he gives her one for Christmas at 2:17. But any semblance of real-life relationships devolves pretty quickly when he gives the other girl a bra, too, just 15 seconds later, and no one is upset about that fact. Instead, the girls strip for him and they all share some seasonal drink in plastic cups. Jingle Bells Swag, indeed.

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

2

"If Its True" -- R..A..E..D

At first blush, "If Its True" seems like it's deliberately insulting every one of your senses at once. This video goes wrong in every direction right from the start; production value, premise, editing and lyrics all fight over which one gets to be the shittiest part. Still, I'm asking you to look past all of that for now and really concentrate on R..A..E..D's ham-fisted mishandling of sex, because it's really spectacular.

Now, if you managed to get through more than three minutes of R..A..E..D's panicked mumbling, then congratulations, you got to see a healthy dose of real women stripping in what they probably hoped would be a legitimate music video. Even all of our collective sympathy could never outweigh the embarrassment these girls surely felt when the camera started rolling and a sweaty R..A..E..D turned his hat sideways before launching into his five-and-a-half-minute asthma attack. You can even see the humiliation plastered on their faces as they crawl around and swing on poles. They are doing everything within their power to somehow strip this mess into a better song, and it's just not working. In a single music video, R..A..E..D inadvertently attaches more shame to sex than any religion ever could. He steamrolls over any subtlety, any playful eroticism, and ends up sounding like a flustered kid talking to himself while working up the courage to ask a girl to literally spread her legs.

1

"Grippin That Daddy" -- BrookerT

"Grippin That Daddy," from start to finish, feels like a reading comprehension test for robots on human sexuality. All the right elements are present -- temptation, passion, jealousy, pregnancy, lust -- but they're all thrown together like a meal in a blender. It is the clumsiest and most confused approach to seduction I've ever seen in a music video. Speaking of which, fair warning, if the prospect of penis mutilation by way of fabric scissors sounds unappealing to you, don't watch the very end.

While sex as a concept is certainly present, everything feels slightly off about it: The man gets pregnant, he's assaulted by his girlfriend/wife when he tells her and BrookerT grows increasingly more jealous and insecure throughout the song, all while rapping about what a sensational lay she is. Every aspect of the plot contradicts the lyrics of the song, plus BrookerT's relentless insistence that she's "tight" starts to feel suspiciously like a trap by the third verse. I wouldn't be surprised if in the last scene of the video, her wig fell slightly askew, revealing that she's actually some kind of male milking contraption designed to gather human sperm for fuel on behalf of the machines.

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

After running out of similes for her snare-like vagina (vaginoose -- you're welcome, BrookerT), she spends the last few seconds of the video chasing her pregnant boyfriend around with scissors, then knocks him down and cuts off his genitals. BrookerT earned the No. 1 spot on this list because I don't feel any shame in saying that she terrifies me. I'm not even sure it's possible to intentionally misrepresent human sexuality as thoroughly as she has here.

"Trust me, I'm really a lot of fun."

You can follow Soren on Twitter or allow him to seduce you on Tumblr.

For more ways Soren will turn you off from sex forever, check out My Sexual Encounter with Ke$ha: A Tale of Horror and The 8 Most Misguided Attempts at 'Sexy' Videos on YouTube.