In one weird instance, Simmons invited close friend and former assistant Mauro Oliveira to his house. When Mauro got there, Simmons told him they couldn't see each other ever again. He didn't give a reason. Then Simmons' long-time live-in housekeeper, Teresa, started yelling, "Get out! Get out!" from within the house.
That was in April 2014. Mauro hasn't seen Simmons since. After the New York Daily News ran an expose about his seclusion, Simmons gave a call-in interview to The Today Show to quell the public's fears about his safety. He said he isn't being held captive, he's fine, and he simply doesn't want to be in the public eye anymore. Exactly what someone being held captive would be forced to say?!
No one knows what's really going on, but Mauro has a theory of his own: "I think 'tormented' is the best word to describe his mental state. I think it was [caused by] black magic, witchcraft."
You're not helping.
Randy Quaid Is A Paranoid Serial Squatter Perpetually On The Run From The Feds
Scott Halleran/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Randy Quaid has slowly become the crazy person he always played in movies. His downward spiral began in September 2009, when he and his wife refused to pay the $10,000 bill they racked up while staying in a fancy California hotel. In spite of making themselves look like guilty douchebags by fleeing to Texas and refusing to show up to court several times, the case was thrown out due to lack of evidence.
Now, this was a pivotal moment. Randy and Evi Quaid had dodged a bullet. This infraction could still have been written off as a small blip in an otherwise decent life. All they had to do was stop living in places without paying. That should be easy, right?
20th Century Fox
"I'm baaaaaaaack ... in your home, illegally."
Apparently not. Almost exactly a year later, the Quaids were slapped with more charges for illegally living in the guest house of the home they used to own. I should mention that the Quaids were paying hundreds of thousands of dollars in bail and legal fees over all this. They could have used that money to buy a real home, but no. Instead, they were asshole millionaires who squatted for no fucking reason whatsoever.
A few months after that, their story took a huge leap into full-blown lunacy. They fled to Vancouver to become Canadian citizens. Why? Because of the Star Whackers, of course! You know the Star Whackers, don't you? They're the batshit insane secret organization the Quaids claim are responsible for the deaths of Heath Ledger and David Carradine, among countless other Hollywood stars. If the Quaids didn't flee to Vancouver, they'd end up dead just like them!
The Quaids even made a low-budget Star Whackers movie, because when you're hiding from a powerful secret society of assassins, the most logical thing to do is make a movie about them and then walk the red carpet at its premiere at a film festival. In case you were considering checking it out, here's the film's Rotten Tomatoes score:
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