KJ Makena
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The internet is a scary place. Anyone who's been on it for more than five minutes knows this. But eventually we all learn to adjust to the constant nightmare. But no matter how prepared your soul might be, every once in a while you still find something that's just three existential breakdowns stacked in a trench coat. And there's no better place to find these things than YouTube. For example ...
Family is important. Hobbies are important. Mathematically speaking, this would lead to the conclusion that family hobbies are the most important thing on Earth. But math never counted on families gawking at what looks like a real lifeless baby, complete with real lifeless baby skin hues.
That's one of the silicone dolls from SillyConeBaby, a channel built around a family's collection of hyper-realistic dolls. The channel contains over 1,000 videos, going back years, with regular updates, all from the same family. It's obvious from watching them that the family in the videos treats their silicone babies the way they would a live baby, so the creepiness would seem to be unintentional. Which is why it throws you off when you're browsing their uploads and see thumbnails such as this one featuring a doll lying naked facedown on a beach:
Or this double-punctuated one about force-feeding a single noodle to an infant:
Or this one titled "I Changed Boy Silicone into a Girl," which features a doll in a wheelchair:
Luckily, the description of some of these videos starts with "THESE ARE NOT REAL BABIES." Oh good. It's totally not creepy, then.
A lot of people say that the internet made us all fame-hungry, so desperate for our 15 minutes that we'd do literally anything if it meant that people would click on it. But people were crazy desperate for attention way before the internet. And the evidence is in Memory Hole, a collection of old clips that had previously been submitted to an unnamed show whose premise was to collect home videos from America and air the funniest of them. These videos were never aired, and it's not hard to see why.
Someone sent that video to a comedy show, for some reason, and it's a great example of Memory Hole's devotion to showing the void that forms when you give some people access to a camera. Is that old lady sleeping, or is she sleeping sleeping? The card at the start of the clip indicating the date to be April Fool's Day does little to convince me that Nana is okay.
This video opens with a guy who introduces himself by saying he's been having the urge to beat himself up. So naturally, he hits himself in the face with a newspaper until he changes color, then he stares into the camera because he really hopes you clocked his cry for help.
By the way, for the children reading this: A newspaper is like if a blog was printed and your parents were actually proud when you contributed to it.
Further down this trail of broken dreams is "how much longer do i have to stay here," a collection of clips. Most notably, one features a man with a hernia that seems to be alive, a screaming girl in the background, a fake skeleton overseeing the ordeal, and also a cat. Good luck with not thinking about this GIF every day for the rest of your life:
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Thanks to the internet, any growing pains you've experienced in your chosen career are on full display for everyone to see. You think your favorite bestselling author has always been that gifted? You can find their 2003 LiveJournal posts, which seem to have been written by a particularly untalented chimpanzee. That said, there's still something strange about the work of madcatlady.
This is the work of an animator who's learning and posting their progress online. And I know what you're thinking: "It's self-aware weird humor using cats, which are basically internet currency at this point. It may as well be a lost audition tape for Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!" But if that's the case, then their devotion to things that cause Pixar animators to wake up screaming in the middle of the night is astounding.
For example, if you want horror and sexy lingerie, but don't like the obvious "Join my cat cult" message, they've got you covered with this video titled "Hag Goblin Dance."
Or look at "got my ladytalk demo cooked and packaged," which features glitchy 3D models convulsing on the ground like they're possessed, while a constant disembodied meow tells you that yes, they are undoubtedly possessed.
Also, I can't stress enough that every video is like this, and there is no escape from it. I've got my fingers crossed in the hopes that they learn to render fire so they can kill it. With fire. It's the only way.
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Out of all the entries in this article, Cyriak is the one you've most likely heard of at some point. One of their videos about EDM cows managed to get all the way past 50 million views about eight years ago, when that still meant something. And most of their viral videos were uploaded less than five years ago. Well, while you weren't looking, the channel slowly went off the deep end.
This video, uploaded within the last year, is titled "Indigestion," and it is a Cronenbergian odyssey through what we'll very liberally refer to as the human digestive system. It starts with entry into a human mouth, goes through a digestive tract made entirely of external human body parts, and ends with an exit through the same aforementioned orifice. I know that it's pretty hacky to say "WERE THEY ON DRUGS WHEN THEY MADE THIS?" but it's fitting when the only way to describe something is "George Lucas designing the Sarlacc Pit during an LSD flashback."
An interesting thing to do would be to play Russian roulette with the videos on the channel. Just close your eyes and pick any one at random. As a show of good faith, I myself just now tried that, and it has retroactively erased every single instance in my life in which I have felt joy.
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I'm limited by language here, since the content is entirely in Polish, but going by the visuals and subtitles, KrainaGrzybowTV is literally run by the Devil.
That's the first episode in the channel's show, Poradnik Usmiechu, which translates to "Smile Guide." Coincidentally, that's exactly what I need after watching it, since I have forgotten how to smile. The episode's title in English is "How to effectively apple." No, I'm not missing anything; that's exactly what it is. And I'd have questions about that if I didn't have more pressing ones about the protagonist, whose eyes are glued-on mismatched magazine cutouts.
Throughout all six episodes, not much background information is given regarding the identity of the girl, or anyone else for that matter. There's a series of interviews by a person obscured by darkness and an altered voice, presumed to be the protagonist's mother. From there, we can deduce that the girl was probably abducted and taken to a place called MushroomLand (which is what "KrainaGrzybow" translates to).
The videos gradually become more unhinged, and there are a ton of theories as to what MushroomLand is, running from a drug-induced hallucination to an irradiated nuclear wasteland. All I know is that this site says it's a Satanist mind control conspiracy, and I'm very inclined to believe that.
There's also a bunch of songs on the channel that are part of the show's soundtrack. But judging by the thumbnails alone, they aren't going to help you very much, whether you're trying to decipher what this is all about or just trying to scrub this from your brain in a desperate attempt to forget it and move on with your life.
As a direct result of writing this article, KJ can no longer fall asleep. Depending on how you feel about this information, send him work, lullabies and/or bedtime stories through his email.
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