Although their blood remained tragically un-spiked, they made a strange discovery: The test subjects were acting cheerfully drunk, expressing unusual talkativeness and self-confidence at the start of the study. The three-test-subject setup of the study obviously leaves a lot to be desired in scientific validity, but in my 100 percent scientifically reliable mind, this "your body's fine but your brain's just itching for an excuse to make you drunk" result seems pretty damn sensible. After all ...
You Can Get Drunk From Water
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Back when I was a poor student and arranging the kind of boozy house parties poor students somehow find the money to arrange despite otherwise relying on Ramen noodle crumbs for sustenance, I used to make punch a lot. Once, I found out after the first bowl was empty that we'd ran out of vodka. So I made the punch with the last few drops I could force out of the bottle, and added a bunch of lime and other bullshit to make the taste more alcoholy. I even openly told some people I may or may not have been doing this, because two cups of normal-strength punch slices a good chunk off my common sense and affixes it to my honesty. This did nothing: People lapped it up anyway, treating my shitty punch like it was an oasis in a desert of good decisions.
And it worked. To this day, I don't know how, but it damn well worked.
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I even had to throw Mr. Panda out for puking all over the kitchen.
I'm saying "to this day" because today I actually did finally find out: It's because sometimes, if the conditions are juuuuuuuust right, your brain can take pity on your body and pull a "water to wine" on it. It's a booze-related spin on the good old placebo effect: Lure a person into thinking that a glass contains booze and they will react accordingly. In other words, you can get tipsy on nothing but club soda.
Here's some research to back it up: In 2015, memory researchers in New Zealand presumably found out about those wacky Danes and their foot-vodka experiments, thought they were fun, but didn't want to write "ALL THE VODKA IN THE STORE, BRO" on their next grant application. They resorted to just putting the word of an alcohol-related experiment out, and once the inevitable gaggle of students magically materialized, divided them into two groups: One that would be given real vodka tonics and another that was stuck with plain old tonic and lime. The catch: No one got any hootch. All the "alcohol" group had was that same old tonic-and-lime and a promise of vodka.
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Try it the next time you visit a fraternity! It'll be fun!
Not only did the researchers' asses remain unbeaten by the revolting subjects -- the subsequent memory experiments showed that their belief-booze was actually getting them drunk. They displayed the exact kind of bad memory and overconfidence that you did last Friday when you tried to charm that attractive person that already slapped you in the face earlier that night because Drunk You refuses to communicate with anything but Pokemon-themed boner jokes. Drunk You. Totally not Drunk Me. Though, if you approach me with, "You know what my genitals and Viridian Forest have in common? They're both long, dense, and covered with tiny bugs that you can catch," I'll buy the first round.
Pauli Poisuo is a weekly Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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