And it worked. To this day, I don't know how, but it damn well worked.
Andy Crawford/Dorling Kindersley/Getty Images
I even had to throw Mr. Panda out for puking all over the kitchen.
I'm saying "to this day" because today I actually did finally find out: It's because sometimes, if the conditions are juuuuuuuust right, your brain can take pity on your body and pull a "water to wine" on it. It's a booze-related spin on the good old placebo effect: Lure a person into thinking that a glass contains booze and they will react accordingly. In other words, you can get tipsy on nothing but club soda.
Here's some research to back it up: In 2015, memory researchers in New Zealand presumably found out about those wacky Danes and their foot-vodka experiments, thought they were fun, but didn't want to write "ALL THE VODKA IN THE STORE, BRO" on their next grant application. They resorted to just putting the word of an alcohol-related experiment out, and once the inevitable gaggle of students magically materialized, divided them into two groups: One that would be given real vodka tonics and another that was stuck with plain old tonic and lime. The catch: No one got any hootch. All the "alcohol" group had was that same old tonic-and-lime and a promise of vodka.
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Try it the next time you visit a fraternity! It'll be fun!
Not only did the researchers' asses remain unbeaten by the revolting subjects -- the subsequent memory experiments showed that their belief-booze was actually getting them drunk. They displayed the exact kind of bad memory and overconfidence that you did last Friday when you tried to charm that attractive person that already slapped you in the face earlier that night because Drunk You refuses to communicate with anything but Pokemon-themed boner jokes. Drunk You. Totally not Drunk Me. Though, if you approach me with, "You know what my genitals and Viridian Forest have in common? They're both long, dense, and covered with tiny bugs that you can catch," I'll buy the first round.
Pauli Poisuo is a weekly Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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