"They're called INVESTSHARE PROPICLES, and I'm glad you asked about them."
Because you have a horse, and presumably the resources and breeding to maintain a horse, people will trust you implicitly and give you all of their money. One problem you might find is people will be somewhat reluctant to put cash into the huge bag you're carrying, and will instead want to write you checks. That's still fraud, so you're still good, but the problem is those are going to need to be cashed, meaning you'll first need to set up an account at a bank with high doors, or find one with a drive-thru ATM. Plan ahead.
Once you realize the trust that people inherently place in the horsebacked, you'll realize the wealth of possibilities available for modern horsecrime. Also, illicit fucking. Adultery may or may not be a criminal act, depending on the jurisdiction you live in, but it certainly violates the vows of marriage and can also, I think, start wars if one or both of you is a prince. So that makes it illegal enough for our purposes here, which is great, because people on horses are fucking sexy.
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So work it.
Fucking on a horse is probably the most challenging aspect of this; otherwise you'd be just a regular adulterer, hated by the community. If you have time to prepare, I'd suggest working on your balance, core strength, and for the sake of the horse, your personal hygiene. Who you end up adultering with will of course depend on your specific circumstances; you can use your best judgment, though if you need a suggestion, you might start with a partner of one of the people you've just sold investshare propicles to.
So, you're now on the run from pet owners, angry investors, spurned lovers, and one guy with a pretty bad trident wound. Congratulations! Because this is where it gets fun. During your horsecrime planning stages, you'll probably spend lots of time here, doodling out ideas in the horse ideas journal that I'm assuming all people keep.
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"JUST STOP COMING IN MY ROOM ENTIRELY, OK."
Your natural instinct will be to plan out a route that has lots of fences to jump over, and shallow rivers to ford, and maybe a low ramp beside a Nazi tank to jump onto. If those are available, go for it, because life is worth doing properly. But even if you're restricted to more mundane environs, you can still plot out an effective, exciting escape. In general, look for areas where car-mounted authorities might have trouble pursuing you. Narrow trails through rocky canyons, obviously, but also maybe the aisles of a supermarket, someone's fancy wedding, or a dog show again.
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*the crowd goes just bananas, hollering and cheering*
Because it's hard to remain inconspicuous on a horse in this society, you're eventually going to have to leave your horse behind, like a villain, or go into hiding together, like a ... you're still a villain, I guess. A behorsed villain. Owning a farm where horses are commonplace is one way to blend in; otherwise, you'll need a garage, one of those tarps people put over cars, or the crafting skill and reputation to convince people you have made an extremely good pinata.
And that's it! Well done! Pet one of your new dogs to celebrate, and be sure to check out the news tonight.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has improved a lot of different types of animal shows. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
It turns out crime on horseback isn't as impossible as one would have guessed. But then again, if El Chapo could hold up a restaurant just to get something to eat, as seen in 6 Epic Crime Sprees That Shouldn't Have Been Possible, and if a real-life Ocean's Eleven scenario could happen, as seen in The 5 Ballsiest Crimes Anyone Ever Pulled Off, then we guess anything is possible.
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