I also tested an LG smartwatch that had such a counterintuitive design that it needed two presenters: one to tell us how we should use the watch, and another to reach over our shoulder and use the watch for us. But, whatever, I got a free pair of headphones.

The smartwatch needed to be connected to a smartphone to work, but instead of connecting it to an LG G Flex 2, it was connected to the LG G3 -- last year's flagship phone. You'd think if they were confident the Flex was going to take off they'd be putting it at the forefront, but no, they basically just stuck it on a table, told us it was the future, warned us that we couldn't test it or it would break, then tried to distract us with smartwatches and -- oh, for fuck's sake -- curved TVs.

I mean, I'm still probably gonna buy a curved phone because man does it look weird and man am I a sucker for stuff that looks weird and man-oh-man am I irresponsible with money. But the point is, the overwhelming majority of innovations at CES were stupid, mainly because ...

But creepier than the iHealth is the iBaby.

"A lidless eye whose gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh."

It's a baby monitor that works on your WiFi but wasn't working when I visited the booth, because the WiFi at CES wasn't terribly reliable. But don't worry, I'm sure your baby's bedroom will have better Internet reliability than an international convention built around using and celebrating Internet-dependent products. The fact that the iBaby looks just like GLaDOS is coincidental!

And, honestly, I couldn't even bring myself to investigate what iLuv was.

Wireless contraception? Let's pretend yes. Let's pretend yes.

The HD TVs pummeled my senses like a war party of Northmen ...

... and, shamefully, I was felled by the onslaught.

I'm not saying that I'm surprised there were a lot of products. Clearly there were a lot of products. I'm saying, why are they all the same product? Bluetooth speakers aren't like cars, where pretty much everybody has to own one and there are a thousand and a half different specialty niches to pick from; they're just fucking speakers. The guy who listens to Bluetooth music while skydiving with trained bears can use the same one that you balance on the dashboard of your Prius. If you're a business that makes tech accessories, then everyone's going to assume you make one, so why put it front and center?

It's painfully obvious that pomp and circumstance and flash are the main purpose for the show -- practical usability of the products isn't just secondary, it's not even fucking considered. Robert Evans spent the show asking if he could test the durability of the "tough" products that were designed to be dropped, and each person reacted by saying that he was the only tech journalist there that had even bothered. I spent five days parsing my way through roughly a bajillion dollars in advertising for every hot piece of tech to be released in the next year; 90 percent of the objects on the floor were useless without Internet, and the WiFi didn't fucking work.

My point is, I didn't exactly get a "we respect your intelligence" vibe from the whole thing. Especially because ...

My point is that I only noticed it because my bafflement at how stupid the waterproof speakers are kept me around longer than usual. What other products did I miss? What other awesome innovations were buried under the onslaught of curved TVs and curved cellphones and Bluetooth everything that filled up CES? I'll never know.

You may think I'm being cynical again, so let me clarify: self-driving cars are a great idea. Cars that communicate with each other and navigate the roads and take drivers completely out of the equation are great for all the reasons the advertisements say: driver error accounts for 90 percent of all accidents and people are stupid and robots are better. I'm fine with that. Bring on the automotive Skynet, today if tomorrow isn't possible.

But this hybrid thing -- where humans are mostly in control but still told not to worry because the robots will back them up -- like, that's clearly a terrible idea, right? Cracked has told you before that safety measures just make you behave more recklessly: anti-lock brake systems result in more accidents and bike helmets make drivers more likely to hit you. The hypothesized reason is that people automatically compensate for any added safety by taking more risks, and it extends beyond cars: deaths from skydiving have remained constant since the sport began, because more safety equipment allows for riskier moves. Skiers who wear helmets get in more accidents too. So Intel's system isn't going to make things safer for the driver, particularly since they're explicitly designed to encourage risky behavior -- but you know what? The driver isn't even the person I'm worried about, because cars have one big difference from skydiving, biking, or skiing. These guys:

Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images

Maybe I'm overly sensitive to the plight of the un-wheeled because I still don't own a damn car, but this product kinda scares the fucking shit hell cocks out of me. The alarming buzz and "soft-braking" system won't keep you from popping person-balloons with your Pontiac while you check movie times, right? And how many drivers are going to decide it's safe to get drunk before hitting the road because their robo-car will protect them? Will it be all of them? I think it'll be all of them. And a lot of good the soft-braking will do you when your veins are 99 percent Natty Ice.

Natural Ice
"The official "beer" of douchebags who drink and drive.

My point is that CES is a festering pustule of capitalist arrogance and technological irresponsibility, and it needs to be swiftly and mercifully wiped from the Earth, before it takes malignant hold. I'm probably not going to get invited to these types of things anymore.

JF Sargent is an editor for Cracked with a new column here every Tuesday. He has a Twitter and Facebook, but those aren't on any type of discernible schedule.

For more from Sarge, check out 5 Movie Ratings That Would Actually Be Helpful and 5 'Inspirational' Ads with Secretly Horrible Messages.

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