This can have a useful effect away from social networks. I was kind of shy through most of my adolescence, on account of the fact that I was a worthless garbage baby with self-confidence issues. But eventually I realized the importance of confidence in one's life, and that even if one lacked such confidence due to garbage-baby syndrome, it could easily be substituted by humorous overconfidence. Hyperbragging became a way for me to introduce a bit of (wholly unearned) swagger into my life, and the waves of swooning women that followed eventually ended up inspiring the real thing.
"Women motorists are constantly fainting and veering off the road when I walk by. It's on all the news.
They're now mentioning me specifically in driver training manuals."
A few times each year, some event seizes the attention of everyone on the Internet. The Super Bowl, for example, or maybe the Academy Awards. If you hang out on Twitter or Facebook on those nights, your feed will quickly fill up with people talking about the event, or making a joke about it, or making that same joke again and again and again.
Comstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"More like Breaking Good."
It sort of looks dorky, but this honestly isn't much different from the same basic socializing humans have been doing for thousands of years, just getting together in the evening and gabbing about the events of the day. And yet, inevitably during this, someone will loudly mention that they're not watching the event, and that they don't get all the jokes going on, and aren't they so cool for this, and otherwise bragging about their ignorance.
"Sorry, too busy making a trophy for being such a brave iconoclast to participate in society."
Not watching the Super Bowl is a pretty reasonable decision. There are many other things you could be doing with your life, and sure, most of those won't involve heavily sauced chicken wings, but that's fine. You do you. But bringing up your non-participation in the middle of a group conversation about that thing? You're not better than us, you pretentious fuck. Let us have our saucy-fingered fun.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has permanently sticky hands. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out 5 Superheroes Older Than You Think and 6 Ways To Fix Computers (So People Stop Asking You).
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