5 Ways to Use Babies as Criminal Accomplices

It's this use of a baby as bait which lies at the heart of an old urban legend where someone uses a recording of a crying baby to encourage people to get out of their cars, or unlock their front doors, or reveal themselves in some way while trying to help. Once they are exposed, our criminal does some kind of murder crime on them.

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"Stop! That's illegal!"

Although there doesn't appear to be much evidence to support the reality of that urban legend, similar cases have sort of, kind of happened. Like this story of a baby stroller left in the middle of the road in Fresno, possibly as bait. Although, again, in that case no actual crime appears to have been committed, and experts remain uncertain about whether that's just how people in Fresno store their babies.

But still, the "baby as lure" trick looks like it definitely could work. Even if you have no particular interest in extensively premeditated murder (except in self-defense), you could probably use this in a heist-like situation. Imagine a baby slid across the tiled floor of a museum, underneath a bunch of laser sensors, that suddenly starts crying, thus luring a guard out of position while the dad steals a massive diamond or just lies down somewhere for a nap. Since I thought of it, I can't imagine anything else.

There are less sad variations of this, though, like the hilariously named Gypsy Baby Toss. This particular crime involves throwing a (hopefully) fake baby at someone to distract them while they're being pick-pocketed. In the end, the victim is left with zero money and one baby, which is usually revealed to be a doll or a large tube of luncheon meat or something of that nature.

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"Ha! There was nothing but luncheon meat in my wallet anyways!"

If you're a crime-minded new parent but find that none of these appeal to you, say if you value your child's life or something, you can at least consider even milder versions, such as holding your baby over your head to keep rain off you while you're jaywalking.

Drug smugglers have long taken advantage of this fact in all those situations where authorities make a point of inspecting their junk. People with babies simply look more sympathetic, and of course anyone might be dissuaded from going through your shit if there's a chance of finding literal shit, which makes it an ideal place to hide the good shit, as it were.

If that seems a little high-risk to you, or if you're worried your baby won't be able to keep cool, consider lower stakes options; I can personally confirm that this technique works great for getting past various "no outside food or drink" situations.

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"Is this the baby's Subway?"

Travelers in Cambodia have to watch out for a version of this called the Baby Milk Scam, in which a woman with a child approaches and asks for help to buy formula. She's not asking for money, she just needs you to come to the store with her and buy formula. This sounds so honest and plausible and non-scam-like that many tourists fall for it. They'll go with the mother to a nearby store, buy her some formula, wave cheerily, and walk away, while the formula is immediately returned, typically with the store keeping a cut of the money.

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The scam is particularly effective because formula is more expensive than fucking mithril.

This is also a big problem on social media, where so-called "sick baby hoaxes" occasionally pop up on Facebook, where someone uses pictures of sick kids (whose only illness is that they don't actually exist) to convince people to "Like" a Facebook page. This seemingly harmless step gets used against the victims in a variety of other ways, either by convincing people to donate to a charity that doesn't exist or simply spamming everyone who signed up for it.

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"THIS STAY AT HOME MOM FOUND 25 SHOCKING WAYS TO EXTINGUISH A CHILD
THAT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT."

These scams feel particularly scummy because of the way they prey upon people's good will, good will being one of those things that the world kind of needs more of. So if you feel the need to use your baby to scam people, don't prey on their good intentions. Prey on their selfishness or stupidity. Claim that this is their baby, and demand a reward. Claim that this baby lays golden eggs, and you're looking for early investors to (mumbling) something, something, wealth!

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Or just ask for "donations" to help you quiet your little miracle down on the next plane ride you go on.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and terrific father. Join him on Facebook or Twitter for more hot parenting tips.

For more from Bucholz, check out The 3 Most Perfect Crimes (and How to Commit Them) and 5 Ways to Make a Gang of Children Lift a Car Off the Ground.