4

You Can Pay For Fake Status Symbols

What's the point of social media if you can't use it to convince strangers of your immense wealth? I'm asking a serious question. If you can't convince the world that precious jewels dribble from your ass whenever you stand up, why are you even on Instagram? "But what if my butt is just full of, well, butt juice, Ian?" you ask. That's when you start renting rich people stuff and taking your picture in front of it.

For example, if you're in Moscow, you can do a photo shoot on a real private jet that in no way will fly you anywhere. And if you're in LA, you can snap a pic on a little jet prop with some chairs against a wall and a "window" in the middle. Seriously, it looks like a background you'd see in a sitcom, but I guess we're supposed to believe that it's a rich person's flying machine because of the amount of leg space.

3

"Influencers" Make Fake Sponsored Posts

There was actually a time when I was considered an "influencer," so much so that 20th Century Fox paid for me to fly to Los Angeles, put me up in a hotel that is literally nicer than my soul, and let me share an elevator with Ice T, his wife, and his dog. Influencers can make some serious bank. And when they can't, they will go all out to pretend they did anyway.

But in a two-pronged attack of bullshit, it turns out that Influencers are faking brand deals, and brands are paying fake influencers. It's like a handjob in a room with no dicks and no hands. It's Schrodinger's handjob. Maybe it's happening, maybe it's not, but at least there are pics on Instagram.

2

You Can Pay A Company To Compliment You On Social Media

Recent studies have shown that, despite what most of us learned growing up, compliments do exist on the internet. It's just that they're manufactured by Chinese social media companies, whom you pay to say nice things to you online.

If you're so inclined, you could head to Taobao, which is like the internet baby of Amazon and that goblin market from Hellboy II, and find yourself a compliment seller. And for around $4, you can receive tailor-made compliments based on information you provide. CNBC tried it out, and said they were new in town and a bit lonely, and were immediately told how awesome it was that they could now enjoy some "me time." Awww. That is SO depressing.

1

If You Lack A Real Family, You Can Rent A Fake One For Pics

In Japan, there's a company called Family Romance, whose name must have lost something (or maybe gained something) in translation. Family Romance lets you hire people to help flesh out your personal life. You want a co-worker, a girlfriend, or a grandma? You want a baby? Family Romance will fake that s**t for you. You can hire fake babies. And this is all for the purpose of duping people into thinking you have a richer social life than you do. And for a less intense experience, you can use their "Real Appeal" service to hire someone to take pics with you so that you can pretend you were at work parties, bachelor parties, or sexy celebrity funerals. That's a thing, right?

But why not just hang out and take pics with people for free? You must know, well ... someone, right? This whole thing seems to be based on the premise that either everyone in your social media network is a stranger and you have no actual friends or acquaintances or anyone, or the people you do know are judgmental and need to see that you're in the presence of other flesh beings to be worth anything. But I'm here to tell you that they're wrong, and you ARE worth something. Also, take those fake pics with those fake friends if you want. I say that because 1) You're free to live your own life, and 2) I won't know the difference anyway.

For more, check out Why Parents Who Over Share On Social Media Ruin Their Kids:

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

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