#4: Griefing

If you've got the same neuro-chemical imbalances I do, you'll have flagged the potential for dueling as the most interesting thing in the announced feature list. At least unless it's implemented as a kind of clumsy version of Pong where you bounce "hexes" back and forth with your "wands," which now that I'm nearly done this sentence, feels like it probably will be. But if there is real, player vs. player dueling enabled, a whole realm of emergent-gameplay opportunities open up that can be used to wreck everything for everyone. We already know how this will play out -- wrecking a community isn't a new hobby, not since the Vikings invented player-killing in the eighth century. Here's a summary of existing griefing techniques, loosely adapted to ruin muggle fun. Friendly Fire Jerks will hex users in the back, while they're in the feast hall, shopping in Diagon Alley or begging to please stop hexing them, because they're only eight-years old. Spawn Camping Jerks lurking in the woods outside Hogwart's Castle, hexing new witches and wizards as they get off the Hogwarts Express. "Why are you doing that?" they yell. "I am Emily's mother, and you are ruining my daughter's fun!" Owl Fucking Again, this will depend on the flexibility of the Pottermore engine, but in a manner similar to teabagging in Halo , if it is possible for an avatar to look like it's fucking someone's owl, there will be about a thousand people doing that at all times.

#3: Gold Farming

We know it will be free for users to join the site and peruse most of the content, but whether additional content will be available for money is still unclear. We also don't know whether there will be an in-game economy with Galleons and Knuts and Wizard-Shekels, though at this point, Pottermore doesn't look like a full-fledged MMORPG, so it seems unlikely. Not that the nonexistence of an economy will stop people from exploiting it. Indeed, it could be easier; they won't have to have a legion of Chinese laborers in a warehouse butchering Mandrakes for gold around the clock. And a currency's nonexistence won't prevent it from being sold to at least some of the users whom, lest we forget, will often be eight-years old.

"I just don't understand how an eight-year-old could even qualify for taking out a second lien on a house. I ... You'd better cry! You're in a lot of trouble mister."

#2: Unwanted Advice

The thing about fans is that they have opinions, like what's wrong with everything you do, and how to do it better. As an example, "stop sucking so much," is one of the most popular bits of advice I get when I receive feedback on my work and clothes from friends and family. So it's an absolute guarantee that Pottermore will be littered with people screaming at Rowling, trying to improve upon flaws they perceive in the HP universe. Claiming Dumbledore didn't actually die, explaining why Snape is actually Harry's dad, why Hedwig shouldn't have died

#1: Witchcraft

Back when the first few Harry Potter books were released, there were many people who were concerned whether it was appropriate to be promoting dark magic in books that were aimed at children.

"Stay still you little shits."

This kind of moral outrage might seem a bit quaint now, in a world where people are awarded their own television shows after leaking sex tapes, but at the time, some people took it very seriously. And we're about to prove them right. Whether it gets taken over by actual Satanists, or just 4chan kids pretending to be Satanists, whatever community features are available on Pottermore will be immediately corrupted to draw pentagrams, hexagrams and sexagrams. Pictures of slaughtered animals texture mapped to robes? You bet. Druidic slurs about Rowling's heritage? Good golly, yes. (Again by me, if no one else. Have to make use of that Druidism minor any time I get a chance.) Faustian bargains with gullible eight-year-olds? This will definitely happen, and the soulless children who result will terrify parents, educators and exorcists for years to come.

"Honey, do you feel anything when you hug Andrew? I'm getting nothing here. It's like he's less of a person."

___________

Check out more from Bucholz in How To Accidentally Throw A Furry Orgy Using Craigslist and A Da Vinci Code Sequel Review (By Someone Who Skimmed It).

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