This past weekend, J.K. Rowling announced the creation of Pottermore, a new online Harry Potter community for fans of Harry Potter novels or online communities (but not both). Features of the site will include the ability for users to choose their own "magical" username, and a quiz that promises to sort each user into the appropriate Hogwarts' House.
Oh great. The wiener house.Beyond that, how extensive this community experience will be is still unclear. A feature list has been provided (see below), but it's pretty light on details, especially on the community features. So a single chatroom with "magicy" fonts isn't outside the realm of possibility. Then imagine 10,000 kids and 70,000 sexual predators simultaneously typing in exclamation points shaped like lightning bolts and you should have a pretty clear idea of what to expect. Horribly punctuated shrieking is just one reflection of the problem inherent with all online communities -- the online community itself. A fanbase is a wonderful thing to have when it's out "there" somewhere. Really anywhere but "here." But Rowling might be in for a shock once the real world starts to get involved with her perfect little clockwork universe when she realizes a universal truth: The real world is full of jerks. Because those jerks love reading about themselves, and because I'm desperate to please, I've summarized a list of ways these fellows will jerk up, down, and all around in this Pottermore thing when it eventually comes online later this summer.
"I just don't understand how an eight-year-old could even qualify for taking out a second lien on a house. I ... You'd better cry! You're in a lot of trouble mister."
Can you spot them all?For the record,
"Stay still you little shits."This kind of moral outrage might seem a bit quaint now, in a world where people are awarded their own television shows after leaking sex tapes, but at the time, some people took it very seriously. And we're about to prove them right. Whether it gets taken over by actual Satanists, or just 4chan kids pretending to be Satanists, whatever community features are available on Pottermore will be immediately corrupted to draw pentagrams, hexagrams and sexagrams. Pictures of slaughtered animals texture mapped to robes? You bet. Druidic slurs about Rowling's heritage? Good golly, yes. (Again by me, if no one else. Have to make use of that Druidism minor any time I get a chance.) Faustian bargains with gullible eight-year-olds? This will definitely happen, and the soulless children who result will terrify parents, educators and exorcists for years to come.
"Honey, do you feel anything when you hug Andrew? I'm getting nothing here. It's like he's less of a person."___________
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