It's Super Easy to Mess With People
If I had a pound (the money kind) for every time some random turd-bag approached me to pray for my miraculous healing, completely unwarranted and unwanted I might add, I'd have bought robotic legs by now. While well-intentioned, these people are annoying and are accomplishing nothing. I think my desire to get a little payback is perfectly justified.
Picture the scene: It's a busy Saturday afternoon in the shopping mall. As I exit a store, I'm approached by a less-jaundiced but way-creepier version of Ned Flanders, complete with wire-framed glasses perched precariously on the end of his nose. He wants to cure me of a disease I've had for six years, that the top medical researchers cannot fathom, and that no doctor can cure however experienced.
The chances of success are unbelievably shite, but like a toddler wanting to eat an entire cake, he won't take no for an answer. A clammy hand is placed on my shoulder (because who gives a shit about personal space when you think you can heal with your hands) and then he starts to murmur incomprehensibly, perhaps trying to coax the disease out of my body like a hostage negotiator.
Everyone nearby turns to stare at the spectacle -- an opportunity I use to stand up from my wheelchair, yelling "It's a miracle!" I'm disabled, but I never said I can't at least stand.
Then, I sit back down and move off as if nothing had happened.
Perhaps it's cruel to taunt someone with genuine religious beliefs. It may be that I even add fuel to their fire by pretending to be momentarily cured. But the thing is, it's funny and I don't care.
Being disabled also means being privy to a lot of self-owns. Have you ever noticed how often movement is used in English language expressions? No? Well you walked right into that one. Don't feel too bad about putting your foot in it. A biochemistry professor once really put his foot in his mouth (the metaphor version). After I answered multiple questions in a row correctly, he informed me that I was "on a roll." It's always fun to let an adversary figure out on their own the damage they've inflicted upon themselves. That slow shock of horror creeping across their face as they wonder if they're about to get fired. It's beautiful.
It's a Friday night after a long week. The bar is, unsurprisingly, crammed with people of a similar mindset, leaving only standing room. No problem for me, though. I casually lounge in my motorized armchair while even those who have managed to perch themselves on the hard, wooden bar stools glare at me wishing they, too, had an illness that confined them to a chair. Well, not really, but that thought makes me giggle.
It's not just crowded bars where I have an advantage. No one has to provide the customary "emergency chair" for me at a party when the sofas are full of vomiting punks, which probably says a lot about the type of parties I attend. Instead of having to perch on the dangerous liabilities we call white plastic chairs, I simply remain in my wheelchair. That means there's no risk of being filmed falling off a broken chair, or the footage making its way to the glorious internet for international humiliation purposes.
I've gladly never been able to sympathize with anyone complaining that the chairs at an event are uncomfortable. When I attend a live wrestling event, I know I won't lose a seat should a wrestler decide to turn a steel chair into a weapon.
For those who don't manage to grab a weaponized seat, standing is the only option. This means I get to be in the front row. How else would I see over the crowd? And that means I've exchanged sweat via high-fives with multiple wrestlers running around in funky underwear. The lesson here is that disabled people get treated like gods at wrestling shows.
Disability is crap, but that doesn't mean my life is crap. Next time you see one of us mugs, please remember that we're only as fucked up as the rest of humanity. We don't really need the extra helpful gestures ... but we sure as hell aren't going to turn them down.
Emma Steer a.k.a. "Mini," has her own blog called Diary of a Disabled Person with new posts discussing life with a disability released every Sunday. She also has a Facebook page accompanying the blog, sending out notifications with every new blog post, as well as additional content during the week (if she remembers).
For more check out 5 People Who Overcame the F#@% Out of Awful Disabilities and 5 People Who Turned Awful Disabilities Into Superpowers.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out If Drug Companies Were Honest - Honest Ads, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook, just this once.