Automatic Photo Uploading
Kane Skennar/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I lie in state, the gauzy strands of imagined worlds still clouding my eyes, right on that hazy borderline between asleep and awake. Just before I drift back into the warm embrace of dreamland, I panic: What if there are naked pictures of me on the Internet?
"I should probably blow up every server on Earth, just in case."
To be honest, I don't understand how this works, which is the awkward person's kryptonite. I also can't figure it out and, given that I have a degree in computer programming, I feel like this could be easier. Those late-night panics have sent me into Googling frenzies, but it always ends with me frowning pitifully at words I don't understand. All I know is that some smartphones are programmed to automatically upload every photo you take to Google+ or whatever. And that's a large reason why I can never trust again.
Warner Bros. Pictures
Above: every other reason.
On my crappy old phone, every time I took a picture, I would see in the notification bar "Uploading to Google+" and told myself that it was probably nothing. Surely somebody would have told me by now if they had accidentally seen my vagina. But I could never be certain. After all, it's not like I'm going to go to Google+ to find out. (That's a lie. I did, twice.) (Although while we're here, should it ever come to pass that you happen upon a naked picture of me, don't tell me? Congratulations, have your fun, and never, ever tell me.)
When I got a new phone that isn't made of Scotch tape and pipe cleaners, the first thing I did was change every upload setting to "Never share ever unless I file a form in triplicate and give the clerk a special handshake." But it still fills me with terror every time I take a photo that is, uh, meant for a specific person. And now we've got the omniscient, faceless Cloud, which literally no one understands but which is apparently full of naked pictures ripe for the hacking. It's not like anybody is going to hack some random Internet writer, though, right? ... Right?
... just don't tell me, OK?
You can not tell Manna you saw her naked on Twitter.
For more from Manna, check out 5 Reasons We're In The Middle Of A Dumb Anti-Photoshop Panic and 5 Famous Songs That Prove Musicians Don't Understand Science.
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