There's no extreme that we can't get used to, no matter how powerful the initial shock. Being treated like a king with full prima nocta privileges is one of the easiest things to get used to. Luxury quickly sets a high bar of stimulation. Once I adjusted and accepted all this as real, the whining commenced. And guys, it's so much fun to complain about wanting things to be better when they're already incredible. It's me yelling up at the hotel facade daring it to be more spectacular -- then I make clucking sounds to insinuate that it's too chicken to further impress me.
I'll never get to experience that higher standard, because I may never get the chance to write a bestselling series of erotic novels staring a thinly veiled version of myself with a penis as long as an above-ground pool is wide. But I'll settle for being able to complain.
If I had seen gold-plated cyborg parking attendants which dispensed claim tickets from their chests when I valeted my car, I'd think it was a disturbing case of man trying to play god. By the time I pick up my car, I'd be talking shit about the lackluster performance of its confetti-firing nipples. "Oh, it was a fine sendoff, and the performance of 'So Long, Farewell' from The Sound Of Music was appreciated. But the confetti didn't fire from the nipples with the appropriate exuberance my departure deserves. Those babies should pop like the night sky on the Fourth of July. Four stars."
Luis is clapping his hands and shouting "Waiter!" But no one's coming. And they never will. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.
You'll never feel out of place around rich people again with this monocle from Smiffy's. Cheerio!
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There are angels, and they are not beneficent or loving. Check out the first two books in Robert Brockway's Vicious Circuit series, and pre-order the third, Kill All Angels, available December 26th.