Walking around New York City, I can assure you I see absolutely stunning people almost daily. Wannabee models and actors/actresses as well as just super vanity-obsessed individuals using all their God-given genes and technology's products to create strikingly impressive appearances. But you know what? I can't remember what any of them have looked like.
Have I seen this woman on the 4 subway line? Who can say?
In smaller towns, you travel five miles out of your way to see the hot chick working at the Dairy Queen. You linger in the break room for that cute dude who delivers the water. The beautiful people in places that are not centers for modeling and acting are fewer and further between. And, quite simply, with fewer people, there are fewer superstars (probably fewer freakazoid monsters, too -- it's just math). So the hot people really stand out. You can get fixated, but in big cities, there are simply too many gorgeous people walking around to care. So, got a partner with a wandering eye? My advice for saving your marriage is moving to the closest sexy big city immediately so he or she can't obsess about others. (Unless your partner ends up fucking, like, everyone. Then, I guess, it would be a bad idea.)
You're Afraid Of Quiet Towns
Ask people their biggest fears and they may say spiders or clowns or that time Cracked's own Felix Clay messaged all our readers to come to his "Pants-Off Dance-Off," but for me, it's small towns. Small, quiet towns scare the living hell out of me. One of the scariest movies I've ever seen is the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and the scariest part for me is not what you're thinking. It's not the girl being hung on a meat hook before Leatherface fires up his chainsaw. It's not the zombified grandpa, trying to hack a head off in the attic. It's just the part of the movie where the friends pick up a hitchhiker on a deserted highway.
The part where he talks about homemade cheese before cutting himself is even scarier.
What some people see as the comfort of relative isolation, I see as a place for evil to feast unchecked. Sure, in New York someone might throw you down a subway staircase and take your wallet, but then what? I mean, the odds of him then dragging you to his basement and doing scientific sexual experiments on you with his inbred brother are really slim. Someone in New York City is always around. There are always witnesses. I know horrific things happen in big cities too, but I always take comfort that some bigger fish will always swallow the evil.
Yes, Phantom Menace was actually made only as a metaphor for my feelings on big-city violence. No wonder it sucked.
So, yeah, I guess if you live in urban areas with gangs and crime rates, that can be scary, but I just can't see a guy like Norman Bates lasting in a city very long. It doesn't have to make sense; it's how I'm wired. I blame New York. And The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
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