5 Ways It's Perfectly Fine to Harshly Judge Someone

Do you have a friend who's generally amusing, but at his/her worst has the tendency to get drunk and wreck your apartment or punch you in the face or reveal all your secrets to your enemies? Or maybe they say the most cutting, damaging things they can think to say. Guess what? That worst-case scenario is a deal breaker. But what if someone else's worst is just some harsh words? Petty bickering. Well, if that's as bad as it gets, maybe they're worthy of a further commitment.

For example, let's say you've made a new friend and you want to get to know them better. Sure, you both love Rush's 2112 and hate Queensryche's Operation: Mindcrime, but are you really meant to be BFFs?

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You'll find that last sentence and more in Webster's Big Book of Terrible, Esoteric References.

Here's what you do. Invite them to lunch and very slowly stab them in the eye with a fork. I mean, wow, that's got to hurt, and holy cow, what kind of a dick would do that? But it's OK. Once the retina is reattached and the searing corneal pain ends, you and your new bud will have moved into a new area of trust and it will be worth it. Actually, that's a terrible idea, but I do know it honestly does say a lot about the content of someone's character if they can still not treat you too terribly when they're under duress, so I stand by my advice.

"Did you hear the boss gave the promotion to his mistress?"

"Well, all's fair in love and war."

"That rich donor was moved to the front of the hospital's organ transplant list."

"Yeah, well all's fair in love and war."

If you encounter one of these people, try telling them something less generally horrible and more specific to them. You'll get a different reaction:

"Do you know that someone took your parking space?"

"Well, all's fair in ... wait, really? WHAT THE FUCK?!"

So sometimes the best way to get to know someone quickly is to just be completely open and honest with them about what your agenda is and what you want. If you're being honest (and don't have a reputation for being dishonest) and they don't believe you, they're probably liars. If you're being clear and they keep waiting for your hidden ulterior motive, they're probably passive-aggressive types. And if you tell Cracked's Felix Clay that you don't sexually assault a tortured animal nightly and he goes, "Surrrrrre you don't," then please contact the authorities immediately.

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"Seriously, don't even wait for that last test. Call now."

But if you're hanging out with someone who doesn't even believe people in the service industry deserve to be treated as equals, then it's time to run for the hills. It's not about manners. Anyone can have manners. It's about placing value in the belief that you are no more entitled than anyone else. Don't get me wrong; I like good service. I expect people to do their job. If my plumber or pizza delivery guy or server is rude or lazy or incompetent, I'm going to bitch about it. You've read my column long enough, you know I'm going to bitch about it. But I'll be bitching about what they've done to me -- not who they are.

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"Sorry about not fixing your toilet. I smoked crack in your bathtub instead. Cool?"

You go into a restaurant, you expect to be given a menu, and you expect them to bring you the food you've ordered. And if that doesn't happen, you can be displeased with the service. But if you walk into a restaurant and believe you have a right to have your food faster than other patrons or deserve a table right away without a reservation, then you're an entitled prick. And if you treat those who work there as if they have the audacity to stand between you and your special requests, then guess what, you're awful. And not in an "Oh, Miranda, you're so deliciously awful" sort of way. Just in a "You are a terrible person who should not be allowed out in the world" sort of way. Stay in a room with yourself and make a sandwich.

Yes, question the source. You shouldn't just let anyone joke about you, I guess. There are people out there who are cruel, who want to prove some selfish point with their jokes or passive-aggressively manipulate a situation. But that's why you insist upon friends that can also laugh at themselves in return. I like giving my friends shit. I also like it when my friends give me shit. And somewhat surprisingly, all this shit production proves we're not assholes.

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