5 Ways Disney Can't Stop Screwing Up Star Wars

And remember Ass-Face Roy and Joe Walrus from the Mon Eisley Cantina? Hooray or something, they came back in Rogue One!

LucasfilmTheir plot arc is: "Get drunk and wander around the Galaxy."

This scene is similar to one later in the movie, when we see C-3PO and R2-D2 on Yavin, watching the fleet roll out.

LucasfilmJust in case you'd forgotten what franchise you were watching.

This is weird, considering that they're in that very fleet in A New Hope. Fans have already done the mental gymnastics required to fix this obvious mistake ("They must have taken a shuttle later into the war zone, because that totally makes sense!"), but the obvious answer is that Lucasfilm simply wanted to shove these characters into Rogue One and didn't bother to think about it too hard. And hey, when this kind of nostalgia callback inevitably wears off, people will have to confront the merits of the writing itself, y'know?

And let's talk about the spinoff movies (like Rogue One) for a second. These could explore enigmatic side characters like Boba Fett, jump forward or back centuries, or even completely switch genres. Who wouldn't want to see a Star Wars noir-style detective film? There are so many amazing options ...

BBCOh.

Or make a Han Solo origin, I guess? Hey, wasn't A New Hope already the Han Solo origin? See, there's a reason that film began when it did: It was the most interesting point to start. We didn't need to know what Han was up to before saving the fucking Galaxy any more than we needed to see how Leia got the Death Star plans. These are footnotes to a bigger story. Devoting films to them is like if Peter Jackson made a two-hour Lord Of The Rings spinoff adventure about Aragorn hitchhiking to the Prancing Pony.

What frustrates me here is that it's not like there aren't popular Star Wars characters that it wouldn't be awesome to see the origin of. (Yoda has no doubt seen his share of adventures and/or psychic goblin orgies.) But I think the reason we're getting Han Solo is because it's safe from a writing perspective. He's a beloved character, a known quantity. His "origin" will undoubtedly be a series of unbearable callbacks to minutiae from A New Hope. In other words, brace yourself for a nail-biting "Kessel Run" sequence in which the prize is a vest.

The moral of the story is "rushing is dumb." It's why back when most TV shows had 20+ episodes a season, we'd get hogwash like clip shows and that one X-Files where the villain was a clowder of cats. We learned over time that it's better to have a smaller amount of high-quality things than a large amount of poor-quality things. This applies to 99 percent of everything humanity has ever created. And if you don't believe me, look at the small library's worth of articles about Lucasfilm's current production problems.

The Hollywood ReporterThe James Bond movies didn't try to keep this pace, and they already had the stories written.

As The Hollywood Reporter notes, Lucasfilm's schedule is so nuts that they're hemorrhaging writers and directors. The script for A New Hope took three years and four drafts to complete, but the process for Rogue One was so zippy that they were writing pivotal scenes during post-production.

CBRBut creepy, uncanny valley Leia was always part of the plan.

So if you're wondering why these new films seem to borrow so much from the originals, it's because who has time to think of something new? Who has time to consider plot holes or character inconsistencies when you're barreling toward a release date? This is the kind of dumb idea that forces you to panic and fire your directors five months into filming.

The Hollywood ReporterPlural.

So yeah, slow the fuck down, Disney. No one is going to forget Star Wars exists if you skip a year. The world once went, like, 16 years without a new Star Wars movie. Those were some wild days.

When Lucasfilm hired Chris Miller and Phil Lord -- directors known for improv-heavy comedies like 21 Jump Street and The Lego Movie -- one would assume they were there to bring that element to the Han Solo film. And you know what? Neat! Considering what I've already said about that premise, a Han Solo comedy about improv space shenanigans would have been kinda awesome. But it turns out that wasn't what Lucasfilm had in mind, and the directors' slower shooting style and frustration over lack of creative freedom led to them being replaced with smilin' Ron Howard.

See the pattern yet? Lucasfilm inexplicably hires inexperienced or unique directors, refuses to let them express themselves, and ultimately has to shitcan them. I'm gonna go ahead and call it "Trank Mania" after Josh Trank, whose troubled times directing the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot reportedly led to him losing the Boba Fett solo movie. (Also, "Trank Mania" sounds like an awesome WWE special, so there's that.)

To give you an idea of why this is important, when Alan Rickman played Severus Snape, he was made aware (before anyone else) that his character always had a thing for Harry's mom. That knowledge dictated the way he played the role long before that twist was revealed. Imagine how less effective that performance would have been if he was told, "Oh, by the way, we decided you've been good all along!" at the very end.

And right now, the directors of Star Wars are absolutely making those kind of last-minute decisions. You know the ending of Force Awakens, when Rey and Chewie and R2-D2 show up on Luke's island of Jedi guano and bring him his lightsaber?

Well, it turns out that J.J. Abrams originally planned for BB-8 to be there, and swapped droids at the request of Last Jedi director Rian Johnson. We don't know why Johnson needed the switch, but it sure seems weird that they're doing stuff like that. Meanwhile, J.J. is coming back for the final film, and who knows if his plans will match up with what Johnson has set up?

In fairness, both of these directors are good at what they do. But the whole process still seems like they are flying blind with one hand tied behind their backs. And the oddest thing of all is that no one seems to know exactly where it's all heading, or really why we're making these films beyond the fact that people love Star Wars. And that brings me to a pretty dark question ...

But I believe that through all his attempts to revive the franchise, Lucas knew in his heart that the most important, most epic, and beloved part of Star Wars had long been told.

Ethan Miller/Getty Images

He knew, deep inside his hirsute gullet, that it was time to move on. That Star Wars would never be as special as that first time.

Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Unfortunately, it might take the rest of us a bit longer to figure that out.

If you're George Lucas and wanna vent (or maybe just hang out sometime), contact Dave on Twitter.

The new Star Wars movies may be flawed, and we know porgs are just marketing gimmicks. But goddamnit we want still want porgs.

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