This is one that never happens to anyone but me. Why am I including it at all? I'm overstepping some invisible boundary just by including this entry, and they'll never give me that bigger columnist cage I was promised. People will all think I'm insane, and pelt me with fruit and live ferrets for the rest of my days, until I weep the tears of the existentially butt-jiggered.
Wait, what about the thing I wrote about my co-workers earlier? What if someone takes offense? What if fucking Steve takes it to HR and I get fired forever, both from this job and every potential future one? What if they fire me so hard that I actually lose control of every sphincter in my body at the same time? My God, it's practically inevitable. I should start loosening exercises right now.
You can call it needless worrying. You can call it anxiety. You can even call it bullshit, because you're a perfect human being who has never once worried about anything, because your trust funds and general fuckery have forever desensitized you to the problems of everyone else, Steve. But that doesn't mean that it isn't real.
Especially when it's 2 a.m. and you have to wake up at 6.
We all worry about random bullshit. It's an emotion, it happens. However, the way you deal with worry is a doule-edged sword. For some, it's a method of relieving stress and finding solutions to life's mundane problems. For others, it's a constant source of stress. Essentially, you're thinking those dreaded 2 a.m. thoughts, constantly, forever -- and gleefully egged on by just about everything in our modern society. Sure genetics play a part. A crapshoot combination of your parents' anxiety genes might slap you with a tendency to worry about inane bullshit so much that you develop a condition called general anxiety disorder, which basically turns you into Piglet from Winnie The Pooh.
So there's a genetic predicament that can turn you into an endless worrier. And worrying about that has to be ridiculous by default, because there's nothing you can do to prevent it. Then again, worrying about the way we worry about that would be a perfectly logical reason to worry, because worrying about everything we can possibly worry about would cause a worrying hindrance to our ability to function without worry ... oh shit, son! Worryception!
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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