Most sex advice usually falls into the category of either snake oil ("Share a plate of raw bull testicles beforehand!") or stuff that's hopefully obvious to anyone ("Try foreplay!"). But science has actually studied the subject quite a bit, and there are some surprising techniques to use if you want to bring a spark back to the ol' game of poke n' pull. Like ...
Being a skeptic who cannot be fooled by society's clumsy attempts at misinformation, you probably always thought that the story about oysters being an aphrodisiac was a load of malarkey. Yet, in a study that I assume involved hot people eating sushi off of each other's nude bodies, researchers noted that "Higher male and female seafood intake was associated with higher frequency of sexual intercourse and fecundity." Oh god, yes. Tell us more about fecundity.
Alright, I've looked closer, and it turns out the research just tracked 500 couples and logged whenever they ate seafood and/or had sex. And on days when both partners ate seafood, they were 39 percent more likely to bone. Also, men who eat more seafood, in general, have more sex, though that didn't carry over to women, for some reason.
As for how it works, they think it's because seafood leads to "improvements in semen quality, menstrual cycle function ... and embryo quality." It's all those omega-3 fatty acids in seafood. It's the sexiest and fattiest of all the acids. So the next time someone takes you on a date to Long John Silver's, they're probably just trying to set the mood.
For years, movies and sitcoms alike operated under the belief that if you don't have an '80s-style boombox pumping Now That's What I Call Vaguely Porn-Sounding Music, sex becomes physically impossible. But they may have been onto something, as listening to loud music in your house will actually increase the amount of sex you have.
This study was done by Sonos and Apple Music, so feel free to c**k your eyebrow in judgmental disbelief right off the bat, but the data was at least vetted by a neuroscientist who hopefully was a little impartial. According to their data, people listening to music were having 67 percent more sex than people who weren't. The reason deals with the actual physical response we have to music, meaning the dopamine and oxytocin that makes it pleasurable in the first place. These chemicals increase your feelings of closeness with others, and that's super important, as it's been shown that touch is perceived as even more sensual when music is playing, even if it's a robot touching you.
I know that that makes it sound like as long as some Ed Sheeran is playing, you could easily f**k a Terminator, but hey, it's science. At McGill University, research showed that the brain-chemical response to music is the same as the one you get from sex, drugs, and food. Researchers gave participants a drug to block their brains' opioid receptors, and then they listened to their favorite songs. Participants responded that they knew they were listening to their favorite song, but it just didn't feel right anymore.
The mind-altering effects of music really could be a whole other article -- there's a reason stores and bars like having music playing at all times -- but for now, yeah, this is one of the easiest ways to sex up your life, even if your partner is a Roomba.
As a little kid, bedtimes sound preposterous, partly because all the good stuff comes on TV at night, and also partly because your parents are still out there, living it the f**k up. But there was a good reason for strictly enforcing these times, as you did not want to witness what was going on when the clock struck 9:01. See, staying up late increases sexual activity for women.
When a woman stays up later, it boosts the levels of cortisol in her body. That cortisol increases arousal and risk-taking, which is grandma's home-cooked recipe for f**k stew. The tradeoff is you're also less likely to be in a long-term relationship. The speculation from the researchers behind this study was that this elevated risk-taking and sexual activity was probably an evolutionary trait for the benefit of what they call "short-term mating." In non-diplomatic terms, that meant "having a quick bang behind the mammoth skeleton in the yard" for our caveman ancestors.
Plus, the daytime is often bogged down with things like work and child-rearing. You know, life. So when the sun has gone down and the owls are serenading you, biology kicks things up a notch to make you inclined to give in to your more slippery instincts under the cover of night. It's like your body forcing you to prioritize debauchery. Or, you know, reproduction. Whichever.
In what will likely be the most baffling link to sexuality you hear all day, "54% of emoji users had sex in 2014 compared to 31% of singles who did not." That's not an insignificant difference, guys. The survey was conducted by Match.com, which found that the more emojis people used, the more sex they had.
Match actually produced a graph that went from "I never use emojis" to "I use more than one in every text" to chart the percentage of singles who had sex at least monthly, and it's almost a straight line for both men and women. It applied across the board for people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. It's as if emojis are some kind of mystical hump genies -- which, incidentally, is the plot of a new screenplay I'm working on. Hit me up, Hollywood!
Match.com's Singles in America Survey
Now, you're likely wondering what I was wondering around this time: HOW? WHY? WHAT? They think it's all about tone and communication. How many times have you been unable to tell if someone texting you was joking or angry, or even sober? Text is a blank slate. Emojis add a strong visual representation of tone and intent. So if you text your booty call a laughing face, a music note, some sleepy Z's, a fish, and then an eggplant, you're just letting them know that they're about to have a damn good time.
Related: 6 Sex Myths As Explained By Science
OK, first off, I'm not just telling you this because I'm an online comedy writer and my whole job is to leave you about 4 percent less depressed than when you started reading. But leading humpologists conducted some research, and noted that those who admit to being able to be teased and laughed at actually report greater sexual satisfaction than those who might react negatively to being laughed at. We're not talking Nelson-Muntz-style "haw haw" with finger-pointing, just some good-natured ribbing for her pleasure.
Why should that matter at all? Because it means you're more comfortable with yourself. If the opposite is true, and if you tend to mock others and get defensive when people laugh at you, you likely have less satisfaction. But this isn't necessarily new information, as laughter and a sense of humor have long had some kind of sex appeal. (Whom amongst us hasn't rogered a clown?) Men who can make a woman laugh give women more orgasms. In dating profiles, a sense of humor is often one of the top three traits women look for in a man, along with "being smart" and "being Chris Hemsworth." They say it's important twice as often as men do. And in one study, participants judged to be actually funny also reported having more sex, more sexual partners, and even having sex earlier in life.
So yeah, you could be a serious, cool, jean-jacket-wearing guy with long untamed hair. OR you could master the art of seductive Whoopee-Cushion-ing and apparently never go to bed alone again.
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This should have resulted in years of therapy.
Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.
Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.