4

The True Believer

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The True Believer lets you tell your story. He might even laugh at all the right parts and listen patiently for the ending while you tell it. But that's because he has a point to make. See, the True Believer is a devout Christian or an ardent vegan or a strict libertarian -- it doesn't matter. He is a member of some belief that systematically runs through every single thing he does in his life. There is nothing, not even your story about buying shoes, that does not tie back directly to his central beliefs. So when you finish your tale, instead of having a laugh and a beer, you get this:

Your Story: ... so anyway, I was just about to leave the shoe store because they didn't have my size when a box fell off the shelf, nearly hitting me on the head. But when it hit the ground, the black Kenneth Coles I was looking for popped right out of the box. They'd been put back in the wrong spot, and by sheer coincidence one of the workers accidentally knocked them off the wall as I walked by!"

True Believer 1: Yep. It's funny how God is always looking out for you.

True Believer 2: Yeah, fucking corporate America, man, cutting wages so that no one does a good job anymore. Throwing boxes where they don't belong and nearly killing customers.

True Believer 3: Wait, you still wear leather? Do you know what they do to cows to get that?

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"You lost your thumb using a table saw without a guard? Thanks, Obama!"

3

The One-Upper

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You don't even have to read this one, right? You know who the One-Upper is. He's the guy prodding your story along with his head nodding, not because he agrees, but because he's waiting for you to get to the end so he can tell an even better story. Aside from that being rude, the One-Upper's story usually isn't better. It's the same or worse. It just has the added benefit of having happened to him.

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"Get to the part of your story about me."

Your Story: So anyway, I had no money in my wallet. I also had no idea how I was gonna get home. Then suddenly, I find a hundred-dollar bill in the street!"

The One-Upper: Oh, man, I'll do you one better: I once found a 20!"

2

The Interrupter

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1

The Not Getting It

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Some people don't get stuff. It happens. Not everyone is as gifted as the average Cracked reader. That's just the deal, and you can't get too upset about the intellectually flawed. Let them go watch YouTube vids and be on their way. But there is a specific kind of Not Getting It guy who's particularly infuriating, and that's the guy who doesn't get stuff because he makes assumptions. So yeah, the Clarifier above is a drag, but for people who really enjoy telling a good story with a big finish, the Assumer is a bigger killer.

He'll sit there with a dim smile, making good eye contact and nodding at all the appropriate moments, assuming all sorts of details and conditions incorrectly. He's failing to appreciate all the setups to your story. Your dramatic finish will end in disaster as he looks up and goes "huh."

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Pictured above: A man moments before being beaten to death by a storyteller.

I was going to do a little dialogue to illustrate this point as well, but I can't. The Assumer doesn't say anything except "huh" when your story's over. But what I can do is give you a peek into the Assumer's mind while he's hearing a story.

Thoughts of the Assumer: OK, so this guy's telling a story about Chicken McNuggets. I don't know what that is because I was raised by vegans on a commune in Portland. I'll just assume it's a kind of swimsuit. Oh, now he's talking about dipping sauce. OK. That makes sense. People in swimsuits take a dip. I guess they call public pools "sauce" in this part of New York. OK. So far so good. I'll keep nodding. Super size? I don't know what that means, but I'll assume it's not an important part of the story. Oh, he's done? I don't get it. Why is he complaining about getting hamburgers at a public pool?

If you're in New York City, come see Gladstone do stand up March 27, 2013 at Bareburger. Show starts at 8 p.m., two-drink minimum. No cover.

Watch the new HATE BY NUMBERS, where Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas recruits Britney Spears to make even worse music.

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