5 Tips For Talking To Your Parents About The Internet

Encourage them to be honest with you by doing the same, or, better yet, by doing the exact opposite. Deceit is your friend here. Your parents are learning every day and will be suspicious if you're nowhere to be found on the Internet, but if you give them the impression that you spend time on a well known site that parents have easy access to, they'll tend to flock there themselves. Parents love Facebook because of its bright colors, and you may find it helpful to keep a Gammy-friendly account there so you can keep an eye on them.

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"Status updates about her doing homework and opening a savings account? This all looks legit."

When setting these up, steer your parents away from sites that are likely to give them a virus, which could of course oblige you to offer tech support in the future. Also, block any sites that might be confusing or upsetting, which is most of them now. And finally, block their access to social media platforms where you may need to send or receive a picture of a penis.

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"What is a 'DTF'? Is it you? Or is it one of those eggplant pictures?"

So they're familiar with the concept of predators, and are generally savvy enough to not post their address or vital information online. But they're sadly ignorant of anything beyond those basics, and just how dangerous any personal information can be. Spear phishing, for example, is a tactic fraudsters employ that uses personal information about a target to make scams seem more convincing. If your parents mention your name and what you're up to on a publicly visible site, a scammer could use that to create a convincing plea from you for help.

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"Hello. My name is DTF, and I am helping your daughter, ASHLEY, with her homework and bank account.
Please send $585 to help pay for BOOKS and VEGETABLES and BANK FEES."

Parents also often fail to understand privacy settings and the scope of the audience they're talking to on the Internet. The kind of "hilarious," "really racist" "jokes" that your dad likes to tell at the dinner table probably won't be as well received when read by people who aren't biologically required to love him.

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"Hey, it's Dirty Butt Michael! Hey Dirty Butt Michael, your dad's a monster!"
"He comes from a different time, you guys!"

More worrisome: Your parents' soft, malleable brains leave them vulnerable to sensational reporting. You need to explain to your parents that not everything they read on or about the Internet is true. Sit down with them and go through a few websites, pointing out things to be wary of. Anything where "Obama" is used as a prefix, for example, or whatever the latest moral panic about youth culture is.

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"Kids, your mother and I need you to explain to us what buttchugging is."

I know these are awkward conversations to have, but you have to get through them. It's your responsibility as a child to keep your parents safe. If you don't talk to them about buttchugging, who will?

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It's us. It's Cracked. We'll tell your parents about buttchugging.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, a dad, and does actually know quite a few things about bonds. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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For more from Bucholz, check out 7 Horrific Internet Ads We'll Soon See and 7 Ways To Trick Yourself Into Not Sucking So Much.