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Freelance Writers Did Rubbing-Out Research

Mark Sergeant, senior psychology lecturer at Nottingham Trent University and not technically a doctor, has said that a workplace masturbation break would be a very effective way to relieve stress at work. This is something which I figure anyone jacking off in a back alley over a stained Teddy Ruxpin could have told you, but I guess the "lecturer" title gives this guy's opinions a bit more weight.

Why do you care what a senior psychology lecturer has to say about shadow boxing the Pumpkin King? Maybe you don't, but some writers at Metro, after hearing from Mr. Sergeant, decided to put his good ideas to the test by masturbating at work for an entire week. For this premise to work, you have to now get it into your head that these people are not the kind of people who were already masturbating at work all the time, which would be the 39 percent I mentioned in the intro. And what are the odds that anyone writing an entire article about masturbating at work would have done it previously? Probably not worth thinking about.

And so, two writers opted to burp the beluga on company time every day for a week. As an added bonus, they were both British, so the article is full of charming British slang, such as referring to the workplace bathrooms in which they whack it as "bogs." God, that's adorable.

Feel free to read the article to experience the trials and tribulations of two Brits putting extra bangers in their mash. But trust me when I say that if you're expecting anything other than a fairly brisk rundown of the less-than-arousing places and scenarios that surround journalistic jerky-juggling, like an awesome revelation about how a once-a-day crotch creeping turns you into a hyper-efficient workplace sexborg, you're going to be very disappointed.

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A Woman Legally Won The Right To Masturbate At Work

I imagine that for a handful of people, masturbation is an important part of their day. Like breakfast or not being set on fire, they rely on it to give them the fuel they need to be productive members of society. I want you to think about that every single time you shake someone's hand at work from now on. And then think of Ana Catarina Bezarra, an accountant in Brazil whose chemical imbalance causes her massive anxiety as well as hypersexuality. The only way she's been able to manage her condition is, you guessed it, yoga and herbal tea. Ha ha! I'm just playin' y'all. She masturbates. A whole lot! She was up to 47 times a day when she realized shit was not necessarily kosher and sought medical help. Now, with medication, she's mostly able to keep her shit together, but still needs to masturbate a few times a day.

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An Elderly Woman Teaches Masturbation Classes

They say those who can, do, and those who can't, teach. They also never anticipated a masturbation class when they said that, because it's some kind of bizarre logic landmine that blows up in a moist cloud of awkward feelings when you try to consider what that even means. So don't! Instead, know that there are actual masturbation classes out there, and not just the ones that reactionary douches on conservative news channels talk about when they find out second-graders get sex ed before saying things like "Our public schools are teaching eight-year-olds how to masturbate! And next up, ARE YOUR CATS SOCIALISTS?" These are honest-to-goodness classes in which ladies go to learn from another super friendly lady how to invest in personal pork bellies.

Not being much of a lady myself, and even less of a woman, I'm not 100 percent familiar with the logistics of female masturbation. I know where you go and how you get there, but it's a little trickier than it is for a man. Think of male masturbation like draft beer and female masturbation like a mojito. You just pull the tap for the beer and angle the glass right to cut down on the foam, but you have to muddle that damn mint for a while to get a proper mojito.

The classes are called workshops, because you're working that ham wallet like a stevedore working the docks, and they're group events led by one lady whom I assume is often described as a "free spirit," because she's leading a group masturbation workshop, and that's not something for the faint of heart or groin. Whilst researching this entry, I discovered the tale of a lady in her 80s who teaches one of these workshops. After she'd been to some swingers parties in the '70s, she noticed none of the women were having real orgasms, and consequently became the ultimate sexual humanitarian. Good for her.

A workshop consists of five grueling hours, the final hour of which I assume involves squatting in a washtub of ice and weeping a little. The rest of the time is literally complimenting the vagina of every woman in the class, going to town on yourself, and then a group massage. If I'm being honest, that sounds fantastic, but that's mainly because it's a room full of women. If the roles were reversed, I'd feel quite unhappy having several winded, sweaty men massaging me after they masturbated right next to me, but maybe I'm just not ready to enroll in this school.

You can watch Ian engage in everyday depravity on Twitter, and read his short fiction on his Tumblr page!

One place you definitely hope there's no workplace masturbation happening is Cinnabon. Try not to think about it too much as you enjoy this cinnamony goodness.

For more, check out The 4 Best Ways To Jerk Off (According To Science) and 6 Bizarre Ways to Stop Yourself From Masturbating.

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