Despite all the worry and stress that this episode caused both my family and I, the people that started it all by reporting my atrocious wordplay actually did everything right, and their actions should probably be emulated by more people once something eerie triggers their Spidey sense.
Yes, my words were not actually thinly veiled warnings of destruction (aside from their destruction of the English language), but what if they were and nobody acted because they thought it was "just poetry"? The only people happy about that idea are trolls who hate my articles and fantasize about a beautiful alternate universe where I'm either dead or rotting in prison for 10 life terms, plus 650 years.
Eligible for parole after seven deaths.
The cops and school officials though? While they were technically right about me not being a mass murderer in waiting, the Rightanswerville route they took was just about the worst and most irresponsible path imaginable. They did just slightly north of squat, which makes me wonder if the same thing happens at other schools that wind up housing real homicidal maniacs. Do grown-ups just talk to them between classes and then send them away, hoping they learned their lesson and decided not to take their guns to town? Because I'm pretty sure stopping a shooter before they start shooting involves more effort than that.
Gary S Chapman/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images
Sadly, the Bugs Bunny route won't cut it, either.
So if anyone who actually called the cops on my Robert Smith-wannabe ass is reading this: good job, you were right, and if more kids followed your lead, we might not hear about any more Newtowns or Millard Souths. As far as the cops and school officials go -- not only were you in the wrong ballpark, you weren't in a ballpark at all. You were on a tiny remote island that had never heard of sports and had neither space nor funds to build a ballpark. I'm sure it was quite the relief that I wound up being nothing at all. But don't worry -- if I was actually planning anything, you would've figured it out.
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For more from Jason, check out 5 Surprising Realities of Working in a Drug Rehab Program and 4 Children's Books That Will Unintentionally Scar Your Kids.
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