5

How To s**t A Rainbow

I write about poop more than a respectable adult should, but if I don't do it, who will? In that spirit, let me tell you about what's wrong with your butthole. For most of us, our 34 daily poops go off without a hitch. We sit down, spend a half-hour playing on the phone, open a window, and windsprint away from the room when no one is looking so we can't take the blame for the acrid wasteland of despair we've left behind. But what happens when all doesn't go as planned?

Like the poor children of the '70s who endured Frankenberry's pink poo scare, modern deuce aficionados have to be wary of what they ingest, because your insides are working in the dark and have no way to sort out the ungodly mess you throw at them in a way that won't be harrowing if you eat the wrong thing. For instance, Burger King's infamous Darth Whopper or whatever the f**k they called that needlessly black hamburger they made a while back. That thing straight up made you s**t green.

4

Specific Teas Can Make Your Urine Smell Delicious

Being the mature individual that you are, you'll probably have no interest in my bathroom musings. You might want to just brew up a hot cup of herbal tea and sit down and read the serious work of a serious journalist who would never point out that your just made your piss hole into a goddamn waffle house. In your face, serious journalism fan!

You may have encountered maple syrup urine disease in your travels -- a condition characterized by the intense need to piss all over an IHOP. Wait, no, that was something else. But the disease does make your pee smell like delicious (but not delicious) maple syrup. So it's probably a little disconcerting if you happen to smell that when you're letting loose in between binged episodes of Ozark.

Turns out the genetic disease isn't the only cause of the smell, however, as Fenugreek tea also seems to have a similar effect on your plumbing. f*****g a maple tree will possibly do it too, but I haven't heard back from the intern I sent out on that test run. In any event, if you start smelling like you've been using flapjacks as a dick bib, just try to recall your tea-drinking habits before you get too bent out of shape over it. There are other things to worry about when it comes to the dangle of your wangle, anyway.

While stanky pee is obviously a point of concern, you're probably also going to be taken aback should the day arrive when your splendid golden nectar starts sputtering out like a bloody rainbow sprinkler attachment. I distinctly remember a day in my first apartment when I had realized groceries were a thing you needed to actively go out and buy if you wanted a variety of food in your house, and thus I was forced to raid my cupboards in desperation for whatever I had handy. My aunt, who was almost raised by humans, had brought over a number of arguably edible substances as a housewarming gift, and that was the story behind the ten cans of beets in my pantry.

3

Certain Foods Can Make You Sweat Cat Piss

Ever take the city bus? It's like travelling to Narnia if the trip takes too long, and Narnia f*****g hates you. I used to bus to work all the time back in the day, and the trip was literally 90 minutes to get where I was going, so I had a lot of time to really stew in the experience. One thing I noticed with disturbing regularity was the number of people who smelled like their cat had tried to bury them in the yard that morning.

My mom had a thing for cats, so I always had a few in the house growing up, including one who assumed a good substitute for a litter box was wherever he happened to be when the piss came out. So the smell of cat piss is seared into my brain. I'd know it at 50 yards. And there were a handful of bus people who clearly left their clothes within reach of their cats. Or so I thought!

Turns out if you're a big fan of protein but maybe not so much a fan of carbs, you're setting your body up to burn protein for energy and excrete ammonia as a waste product. That ammonia comes out through your sweat glands mixed with all the various other glandular juices that make you into the musky delight we all want to be trapped next to on a hot day on public transportation. So when you run for the bus and work up a sweat, what comes out is basically your own personal brand of cat piss.

2

Vegetables Can Turn Your Skin Full-On Oompa Loompa

If you were a kid from the '60s through the '80s, "skin tone" was a racist crayon. Nowadays, those of us who just use Tiki torches in the yard for campfires know that there's a little more to skin color than all that, and humans have a number of hues and tones. None of them, with maybe one notable exception, are orange. There just aren't orange people. Not normally, anyway.

As it happens, the saying "You are what you eat" kind of applies here, thanks to a condition called carotenemia. A number of super healthy veggies -- like carrots, for instance -- are packed to the gills with beta-carotene, a thing they say on commercials when they talk about healthy stuff, and that means it's good for you. But like Alien movies and alcoholic milkshakes, too much and you're treading in dangerous territory.

1

All Up in Your Blood

You like your blood, right? You keep it pretty close by, try not to leave it laying around in restaurants or flea markets, and you definitely don't flash it around in Vampire Town. It's got to be super off-putting to discover that you're living your life as a red-blooded Canadian (or whatever you are -- Alsatian, Martian, etc.), only to discover that s**t isn't red at all.

A 42-year-old man was supposed to be getting surgery when doctors took a moment to appreciate that his blood was a dark, verdant green. That's not a usual thing, you know. Like those no-account Vulcans and their lack of iron in their hemoglobin, this fellow also had some serious hemoglobin issues. Specifically, he was suffering from the not-at-all-difficult-to-say sulfhaemoglobinaemia, a condition wherein sulfur molecules get all up on your hemoglobin like some pervy bro at a club.

So how does one get sulfhaemoglobinaemia? You can't even get that s**t on Amazon. In this man's case, it was Sumatriptan. Sumatriptan is a migraine drug, marketed as Imitrex and a few other names, and this guy was taking a shitload of it. How much of it? Somewhere between the recommended dose and a "turn you blood green" dose. So if you have an issue with migraines, do yourself a favor and follow the directions. Because even if green blood sounds cool, that s**t will probably kill you eventually. And that's not logical. See what I did there? Vulcan humor.

Inject Ian's Twitter into your life and forever be better for it. Or worse. Or the same, whatever.

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