4

Get Drunk

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3

Sing Karaoke

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Even when you're in a huge group, karaoke is the kind of thing you regret agreeing to do almost immediately as soon as you agree to do it. A lot of that has to do with the fact that public speaking is a debilitating fear for most people that can be overcome only with a deluge of liquor and the promise that everyone around them will look just as stupid as they do.

However, not everyone feels that way. Go to any karaoke night in any bar and, among the groups of drunken bridesmaids and sales professionals, you'll inevitably encounter a few "regulars." People who show up every week, without fail, to practice their craft.

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These people are the fucking worst. Always. They are not there as patrons looking to have a good time; they are there because they think what they do offers legitimate entertainment value to the world, all the while completely oblivious to the fact that no one, under any circumstances, wants to hear a Celine Dion ballad in a bar.

I was at a karaoke bar once where a guy who was there all by his lonesome sang six goddamn Pink Floyd songs. I mean, Floyd is a find band, I guess, but there's a reason people who listen to them also smoke a ton of weed, and it's not because throwing on "Comfortably Numb" livens up a party.

2

Go To A Casino

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I may not be able to live by my own advice when it comes to not eating restaurant food alone, but I can promise you'll never catch me at a casino alone. You probably won't see me at one at all unless I'm there for a Blue Oyster Cult concert or something. Fortunately, gambling has never made an appearance among the litany of vices I've adhered to religiously in my life.

I've never had an experience at a casino that I'd classify as "good." Just walking in one makes me feel kind of gross and sad. They're like public swimming pools filled with broken dreams and bad decisions instead of chlorine and piss-water. You can feel the desperation in the air. You can taste it in the $3.99 buffet that's inexplicably open 24 hours a day.

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The last time I went to a casino specifically for gambling reasons, I asked a friend who, complete sidebar here -- thought he had psychic powers -- if he'd hold some of the cash I'd brought so I didn't gamble it away. He agreed he would, and then proceeded to gamble that money away for me. It was a betrayal made all the worse by the fact that he must have known it was going to happen well before we even left, what with being psychic and all.

1

Eat Takeout Food

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I accept right up front that not only is this advice that almost everyone will ignore, but that I'm the last person who should be giving it. I'm certainly not going to claim that I adhere to a strict policy of cooking all my meals unless I'm in the company of friends. I'm as prone to giving in to temptation as the next person. I mean, I live mere steps away from an El Pollo Loco, for fuck's sake. I'd never eat there, but having it nearby does sometimes make me yearn for food cooked for me at a less disgusting place.

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Still, if you're looking to save a few dollars and maybe be a little bit healthier, just preparing your meals at home is as good a way as any to help make that happen.

Sure, if "cooking at home" for you means a wide variety of frozen burritos and not much else, the health benefits fly right the fuck out the window, but financially it should be a windfall, provided you weren't surviving solely on dollar-menu items from Jack In The Box. Use the extra money to buy health insurance if you don't have it already. I got an email from my aunt last week that says Obama will send you to a FEMA camp if you don't.

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Also, the most common reason people cite for not cooking regularly is that it's something they just aren't that good at. Well, shit, get better at it. Take a class or something. That's an important life skill to have, right up there with knowing how to change a tire or smuggle weed through airport security. You never know when it's going to come in handy.

Again, though, I'm not saying you absolutely must do any of this or that you're any less of a person because you don't. Except the part where you don't cook, you shiftless bastard. It's just a suggestion that I absolutely won't follow any more vehemently than any of you will, a truth made all the more apparent by the fact that I wrote most of this entry while eating breakfast at a Denny's. Still, goals are nice.

Adam is on Twitter, go be his friend there @adamtodbrown.

It's always fun to see an animated movie with friends, but it's even more fun to laugh at a crazy animated ripoff. Check out Brazil's horribly rendered version of Cars in The 6 Most Psychotic Ripoffs Of Famous Animated Films, and if you're going to take drugs with friends, maybe read a primer first with 5 Things No One Thinks About When Buying Illegal Drugs. If only there were Yelp for drug dealers.

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