5 Things People Mistake for Being Grown-Up

5

Refusing to Argue

When people think of bratty children, the image of a petulant, disagreeable kid arguing about everything comes to mind. Maybe that's why some people come to see any form of debate as immature. To be sure, throwing a hissy fit and screaming, "No, no, no!" when someone disagrees with you is definitely the mark of an immature asshole, but when conflicts arise, silence is not the behavior of a grown-up.

4

Playing Devil's Advocate All the Time

"Wait a second," you say. "First you want us to engage in debate and now you're saying we're immature for playing devil's advocate? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

To you, I reply, "Aha! I knew you never loved me, mother!"

Anyway, I understand the reaction, but there is a difference. Point #5 was about being willing and able to articulate your contrary point of view, which is admirable. The refusal to try is not a sign of being old and wise. It is a sign of being jaded. Not the same thing. But playing devil's advocate is not about articulating your feelings; it's about expressing any contrary opinion. It's reveling in your ability to simply provide the other side of the argument.

Nick White/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Yes, but have you considered ... THE OPPOSITE OF THAT?"

Too many times people play devil's advocate simply because they can, not for the proper reason of helping another see a problem more completely. You will see this in any comment thread, Facebook posting, or Reddit discussion. People putting forth the other side, simply for the purpose of putting forth the other side, in a false belief that being contrarian is inherently wise. It's not. It can be. It depends. But it's not a shortcut to convincing others how mature you are.

3

Suppressing Emotion

At some point, people tell you growing up is about being quiet. About keeping an even temper. About going through life at a steady pace. Someone, somewhere spread a nasty rumor that being mature means using your inside voice all the time.

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
I think it was this guy.

2

Drinking the Right Beverages the Right Way

There are many things that make us big boys and girls, but what we put in our glasses and how we drink it isn't one of them. Have you ever seen people bragging about drinking their coffee black? "Oh, no, no milk and sugar for me. I went through puberty!"

As I got older, I stopped putting sugar in my coffee. It wasn't because I was a wiser, more sophisticated person. It was because I didn't want to get fat. It's not a sign of anything other than my commitment to being the sexiest columnist I can be for you, the Cracked reader. So go ahead, drink your coffee any way you want knowing that the only thing drinking coffee black gets you is the setup to make that Airplane! joke about taking your coffee like your men.

1

Giving Up Childhood Joys

This is a classic mistake, and it's easy to understand. If the simplest definition of being a grown-up is that it's the opposite of being a child, then the simplest shortcut to maturity is to do everything differently from when you were a child. And that wrong-headed notion has people suddenly refusing to do all sorts of things, like seeing Disney movies, skipping, singing out loud, or drinking through a Krazy Straw.

Make no mistake, being a grown-up sucks. You have fears you never had. You have obligations you never wanted. You often don't have time to do all the stupid shit you loved doing as a child. But how much needlessly sadder is adulthood if you willingly deprive yourself of all the things you used to enjoy? Whom are you trying to impress? Who told you grown-ups couldn't have action figures? That's not the symbol of maturity.

Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images
No, maturity is measured by the proper use of "who" and "whom." THANK YOU!

I'm not saying you need to go out of your way to be an infantile child. People grow and change. I don't play with my Star Wars figures anymore, but I didn't stop because I was trying to impress anyone. And as I think about it now, I'm not sure why I stopped drinking with a Krazy Straw, because those things were fucking awesome and I miss it. I have literally just decided I'm going to buy one and start using it again, because while I'm being mature by arguing -- but not needlessly playing devil's advocate -- and laughing at people who slip on banana peels, I'll be drinking my Macallan with a Krazy Straw, because I'm a mature adult, motherfuckers.

GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS ON SALE NOW!NOW!

After experiencing the joy of purchasing Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.

Also, you can get all your Internet Apocalypse news here.

AND WATCH A NEW EPISODE OF HATE BY NUMBERS AND HELP GLADSTONE FUND MORE!

For more from Gladstone, check out 5 Upbeat Songs That Are Way Angrier Than You Realize and 5 Artists Who Faced Death With a Song.

Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.