4

Playing Devil's Advocate All the Time

"Wait a second," you say. "First you want us to engage in debate and now you're saying we're immature for playing devil's advocate? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

To you, I reply, "Aha! I knew you never loved me, mother!"

Anyway, I understand the reaction, but there is a difference. Point #5 was about being willing and able to articulate your contrary point of view, which is admirable. The refusal to try is not a sign of being old and wise. It is a sign of being jaded. Not the same thing. But playing devil's advocate is not about articulating your feelings; it's about expressing any contrary opinion. It's reveling in your ability to simply provide the other side of the argument.

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"Yes, but have you considered ... THE OPPOSITE OF THAT?"

Too many times people play devil's advocate simply because they can, not for the proper reason of helping another see a problem more completely. You will see this in any comment thread, Facebook posting, or Reddit discussion. People putting forth the other side, simply for the purpose of putting forth the other side, in a false belief that being contrarian is inherently wise. It's not. It can be. It depends. But it's not a shortcut to convincing others how mature you are.

3

Suppressing Emotion

At some point, people tell you growing up is about being quiet. About keeping an even temper. About going through life at a steady pace. Someone, somewhere spread a nasty rumor that being mature means using your inside voice all the time.

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I think it was this guy.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you that is a lie. Being calm and quiet makes you boring, not mature. You get your thumb caught in a drawer, you scream, "Motherfucker!" You see your co-worker slip on an actual banana peel and throw his feet into the air, going full parallel to the ground before falling on his head, you laugh your ass off. That is not immaturity; that's being alive.

And maybe those are the extreme examples. Maybe that was never your style, so let's go with finding out your wife is pregnant, having your boyfriend propose, getting that promotion, getting that scholarship. There are extreme wonderful and terrible things in life, and absolutely nothing about being a grown-up requires you to take those events and mute your response. Reflect on all the events of your day. When big things happen, you can be big. There is no award for absorbing all the energy of the day's events and compressing it into a tiny smile or grimace.

2

Drinking the Right Beverages the Right Way

There are many things that make us big boys and girls, but what we put in our glasses and how we drink it isn't one of them. Have you ever seen people bragging about drinking their coffee black? "Oh, no, no milk and sugar for me. I went through puberty!"

1

Giving Up Childhood Joys

This is a classic mistake, and it's easy to understand. If the simplest definition of being a grown-up is that it's the opposite of being a child, then the simplest shortcut to maturity is to do everything differently from when you were a child. And that wrong-headed notion has people suddenly refusing to do all sorts of things, like seeing Disney movies, skipping, singing out loud, or drinking through a Krazy Straw.

Make no mistake, being a grown-up sucks. You have fears you never had. You have obligations you never wanted. You often don't have time to do all the stupid shit you loved doing as a child. But how much needlessly sadder is adulthood if you willingly deprive yourself of all the things you used to enjoy? Whom are you trying to impress? Who told you grown-ups couldn't have action figures? That's not the symbol of maturity.

Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images
No, maturity is measured by the proper use of "who" and "whom." THANK YOU!

I'm not saying you need to go out of your way to be an infantile child. People grow and change. I don't play with my Star Wars figures anymore, but I didn't stop because I was trying to impress anyone. And as I think about it now, I'm not sure why I stopped drinking with a Krazy Straw, because those things were fucking awesome and I miss it. I have literally just decided I'm going to buy one and start using it again, because while I'm being mature by arguing -- but not needlessly playing devil's advocate -- and laughing at people who slip on banana peels, I'll be drinking my Macallan with a Krazy Straw, because I'm a mature adult, motherfuckers.

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