As I got older, I stopped putting sugar in my coffee. It wasn't because I was a wiser, more sophisticated person. It was because I didn't want to get fat. It's not a sign of anything other than my commitment to being the sexiest columnist I can be for you, the Cracked reader. So go ahead, drink your coffee any way you want knowing that the only thing drinking coffee black gets you is the setup to make that Airplane! joke about taking your coffee like your men.
You find a lot of Scotch drinkers bragging about their refined tastes too, as if sucking back Glenlivet comes with grayed temples and a smoking jacket. Indeed, I think I might have even done that on Twitter years ago in reply to Soren Bowie saying he hated Scotch. It was fun to call Soren a silly boy, too immature to understand the complexities of a smoky beverage, but of course that's bullshit. Maturity is earned by the passing of time and the willingness to grow. You can't bottle it.
Giving Up Childhood Joys
This is a classic mistake, and it's easy to understand. If the simplest definition of being a grown-up is that it's the opposite of being a child, then the simplest shortcut to maturity is to do everything differently from when you were a child. And that wrong-headed notion has people suddenly refusing to do all sorts of things, like seeing Disney movies, skipping, singing out loud, or drinking through a Krazy Straw.
Make no mistake, being a grown-up sucks. You have fears you never had. You have obligations you never wanted. You often don't have time to do all the stupid shit you loved doing as a child. But how much needlessly sadder is adulthood if you willingly deprive yourself of all the things you used to enjoy? Whom are you trying to impress? Who told you grown-ups couldn't have action figures? That's not the symbol of maturity.
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No, maturity is measured by the proper use of "who" and "whom." THANK YOU!
I'm not saying you need to go out of your way to be an infantile child. People grow and change. I don't play with my Star Wars figures anymore, but I didn't stop because I was trying to impress anyone. And as I think about it now, I'm not sure why I stopped drinking with a Krazy Straw, because those things were fucking awesome and I miss it. I have literally just decided I'm going to buy one and start using it again, because while I'm being mature by arguing -- but not needlessly playing devil's advocate -- and laughing at people who slip on banana peels, I'll be drinking my Macallan with a Krazy Straw, because I'm a mature adult, motherfuckers.
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