You think coke, you think slinky starlets wearing Halston, supermodels doing bumps backstage during Fashion Week, and groupies snorting lines of coke off of erect rock star dicks. That shit just sounds all sorts of glamorous, dirty, and sexy at the same time.

Unfortunately, that image is mostly a bunch of bullshit cultivated by years of inaccurate movie depictions of coke-fueled sex romps. Nowadays, most coke is mixed with so much other shit that it's about as pure as Jenna Jameson on her wedding night.

Valerie Macon/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images Legally, this is the only color she should have been allowed to wear.

Sure, maybe the first bump or two may make you feel euphoric, confident, and sexy, but the more coke you do, the more coke you want, eventually leaving you feeling more "geeked" than "chic."

Assuming you ever stop doing lines and shut the fuck up long enough to decide to have sex, don't expect to enjoy it much, thanks to the sexy phenomenon known as "coke dick." Yup, fellas -- no matter how bad you may want it, your lil' buddy isn't in it to win it when cocaine is involved. While you may be coked up and ready to go, your dick looks more like a sad, limp noodle than a rocket ready for launch.

GYRO PHOTOGRAPHY/amanaimage Like this, but all dicks.

And ladies, if you happen to find yourself facing a flaccid penis, you're almost as useless, because cocaine makes you so dry it's like the Pit of Carkoon between your legs. And we all know how stoked Luke Skywalker was to jump in that pit ... or any vagina, for that matter.

A K-hole is essentially an amalgamation of nightmarish nonsense that's occurring in your mind when you do too much ketamine. You lose the ability to piece together rational thoughts or coherent sentences. While you're falling into a hellish rabbit hole, to the onlooker, you look like you have Bell's Palsy, and you may shit your pants while trying to figure out the math equation from Good Will Hunting. In other words, you're the polar opposite of a fuck machine.

If you can avoid that, though, K sex isn't half bad. You'll be super relaxed and in the mood to bang. Just a little heads up though, ladies: Your coordination and awareness won't be the sharpest. Meaning that if you and your partner aren't paying attention, something may end up slipping in the wrong door.

Chad Baker/Digital Vision/Getty Images The wrong sex door!

On the one hand, if you ever wanted to try anal sex, but were nervous or scared it would hurt, this may be the best time to do it, since you will be so relaxed back there that the experience may even be enjoyable. On the other hand, if your back door is exit-only, it may be best to avoid doggy style if you choose to do the sex while on K.

You'd think the name alone would be an indication of exactly how awesome sex is going to be while rolling your face off. That said, ecstasy has changed a lot over the last decade or so.

Back in the day, the pills were stamped and had catchy names like UFOs, Mercedes, and Mitsubishis. It was basically a crackhead version of the Dewey Decimal System. Knowing what kind of roll you'd be in for was way easier to keep track of back then, because the way the pill looked told you everything you needed to know.

Unfortunately, that was a long time ago, and things have changed since then. Nowadays, ecstasy, or "Molly" as you kids call it, is way more of a crapshoot.

Wikipedia You'd think that term would be reserved for ketamine, given the loosened orifices and all.

You're never really sure what you're getting. Sometimes it's partially MDMA, or if you're super lucky, it's pure MDMA. If that's the case, get naked and get some ass, because sex on MDMA is like pizza; even if it's bad, it's still pretty damn good.

Other times, though, that pill you just dropped is MDA or MDE, which is similar to MDMA, but minus the grandiose feelings of love. So unless there's a DJ pumping decibels of music through you, sex will be a lot lamer than you're expecting.

John Lund/Blend Images/Getty Images Just joking; having a DJ around never makes anything better.

Nevertheless, that still counts as one of the more favorable outcomes. There are other things that have been found in those mysterious capsules, and they're rarely good. Sometimes it's crystal meth, which may lead to you dancing all night or to finding yourself still up days later, picking at your skin and wondering how your life suddenly turned into a scene from the movie Spun.

Super-duper NSFW.

Worst of all is that sometimes, the white powder in those capsules is bath salts, which probably won't lead to the sexual experience you were hoping for, unless your idea of good sex involves fava beans and a nice Chianti.

It may be legal, but booze is still a drug, and easily the most accessible one at that. Sex with a moderate buzz is preferable. You should be just tipsy enough to be in a jovial and fun mood. Your inhibitions will be down a little, which could lead to you getting up the nerve to try some kinky shit. But drink too much, and you can end up with beer goggles or puking mid-thrust. Not very sexy.

Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty Images Also, depending on the circumstances, potentially kind of rapey.

Also, this only works as long as you have two people who are happy drunks. If your other half turns into Ike Turner after a few drinks, then instead of worrying about getting laid, you should be getting a restraining order and out of that relationship pronto.

Even though drunk sex can be a messy blast, booze is still responsible for some less-than-stellar side effects. I mean, the term "whiskey dick" exists for a reason, and odds are some of you out there have firsthand knowledge of why. Not only does it make it hard to get hard, but if a guy partakes in as little as one beer per day, it can lower his testosterone levels.

Martin Poole/Photodisc/Getty Images But Dr. Oz said it was healthy!

Oh, and ladies: Alcohol likes to fuck with us too. On the one hand, it increases our libidos, which is a good enough reason as any to grab a drink or six right now, if you ask me. But liquor is a notorious asshole, so even though our sexual inhibitions are nonexistent and we're DTF, we could have problems actually getting off. So basically, that sex sesh will be about as satisfying as a Eddie Murphy's appearance on SNL's 40th reunion. Tons of buildup and zero payoff.

Some people still swear that smoking makes them ready for ass. There aren't really many studies that confirm or deny how valid that claim is, but Dr. Lester Grinspoon, who's basically the Timothy Leary of weed, says that smoking pot does enhance your sexual experience. So if you're in the mood to bone, or attracted to someone and smoke a joint, you turn into an all-you-can-fuck buffet of sex and invite them to have a seat. Preferably on your face.

The other reason weed gets the top spot is that it works in almost any type of social setting. At a festival dancing around like a hippie in the wrong decade? No problem. At a rave dancing around with glow sticks to some horrendous train wreck of beats that passes for techno nowadays? Still good.

Nicole S. Young/iStock/Getty Images Also, you're the worst.

At home chilling with your significant other because you're too old for any of the above bullshit? Weed works there, too.

Personally there's only three things I want to do when I smoke weed: eat pizza, play video games, and have sex. It's pretty hard to argue that any night that consists of those three things isn't the best time ever.

For more from Cher, follow her on Twitter @TheCherness.

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