But more importantly, most stores carry turkeys frozen because they go bad really fast. If they sell you a bacteria-contaminated turkey, that can put a motherfucker in a hospital bed as fast as an escaped dog-fighting champion, and that's generally frowned upon by most business owners. People in America consider it rude to sell poisoned meat. Turkeys are also pretty big, so they take a while to thaw. Setting one out on a counter at room temperature, thinking the warm air will help speed things along, is a pretty good way to make everyone at your party shoot liquid filth out of every orifice of their body for the next several days.
The safest way to thaw a turkey out is to put it in the refrigerator about four days before cooking it. Yes. Four fucking days. That's how long you have to plan ahead for just that part. To be more precise, it's 24 hours in the fridge for every four or five pounds of turkey.
You've done all of that. It's the night before, and you're now cooking your bird. Awesome. "Wait, what's that burning plastic smell," you ask? It's the fucking plastic bag full of guts they crammed inside the turkey. Yes, they do that. They bag up the extra parts -- the neck, gizzard, liver, testicles, etc. -- and cram it back into the body cavity. Most even come with a bag of concentrated gravy made out of the bird's tortured soul. And unless you pull the legs apart and cram your hand up inside, you'd never know they were there. [Note to Editor: I have done the research, and there is no joke that can be made about that last line.]
Oh shit, did you take into account any vegetarian guests? Those people are all over the place now. It's not just a matter of "Well, they can eat the sides and leave the turkey for us." Uh, you remember how the baked beans have bacon in them? And the noodles were made with chicken broth? And the green bean casserole has bacon in it? And how Grandma's cranberry sauce recipe has bacon fat in it? And how the bacon punch is nothing but ground-up bacon? You're going to have to take a moment to make sure those guests aren't sitting there with a roll and some corn. And you have to plan all this ahead, because you also have to ...