Just like a certain news station's logo.
And although PBR never actually won a blue ribbon, it did win "America's Best" at the World's Columbian Exposition in Chicago in 1893. Yeah, 1893. I'm guessing that in 1893 one of the qualities in winning best beer was if the judges didn't go blind and piss blood after drinking it. In any event, I didn't come here to beat up PBR. Just the opposite, because sometimes, in the right time and the right place, PBR is just the best beer there is. Let me set the scene. You're in a stressful job, taking a little respite from the drudgery with a burger and a beer at lunch. Now, you're not a Philistine, so it's a quality beer. Maybe it's a Radeberger or a Sixpoint Sweet Action. Maybe you're going balls out and having yourself a Guinness. Who's to say? How do I know every little thing you do? What am I, the NSA?
Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images
"The NSA can neither confirm nor deny that Gladstone is in the NSA."
OK. Now your meal and quality beverage are over. You still have 10 minutes. You're not quite ready to go back. What do you do? Another good beer? Of course not. Too much alcohol. Too filling. Bad idea. At this point, you thank those miserable hipster d-bags for making PBR ironically cool again, because now real bars that serve real beer keep cans of PBR in their fridge. You crack one open, and it's just the barest hint of a beer. Watery, weak, and bland, like Costner's performance in Waterworld.
But if You Tried to Fix It ...
If you ordered a real beer, or even a better bad beer, like a Bud, it would be too much. Too heavy. Too filling. Face it: PBR is the perfect beer for when you just want that innocuous plus one. Would you want to drink PBR all day? No. Would you want it with your fine steak dinner? No. Would you want it while you're giving your dog Lester a tick bath after he contracted the critters during your hiking trip to Lake George from August 27 to August 31? (OK, fine, I admit it. I'm in the NSA.) No. There are only limited times when PBR is a good thing. But when you need something quick and weak and light but still beer (technically), it's just about perfect.
GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!
After experiencing the joy of pre-ordering Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.
Also, you can get all your Internet Apocalypse news here as we count down to release.
Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.