4

The Book of Eli -- Meh, the Book Isn't That Important

The Book of Eli also happens to be about someone named Eli, although unfortunately he's not a vampire. Instead, he's a guy who travels around post-apocalyptic California protecting a rare book that (spoiler!) turns out to be the last surviving copy of the Bible, written in Braille. After a long journey in which Eli kicks copious ass in order to keep the Bible out of the hands of a Gary Oldman who wants to use it for evil, Eli eventually travels to an island where some shreds of civilization have survived. There, Eli recites the whole Bible from memory so the civilized survivors can transcribe it. Yup, even the boring bits.

"From Ephraim, Elishama, son of Ammihud. From Manasseh, Gamaliel, son of Pedahzur ... wait,
are you just doodling pictures of seahorses?"

That's fine so far, but then comes the ending, which ruins everything. Ending-ruinings are the worst, because you've just spent two hours of your life preparing for a movie to be good, only to see that hope shatter in front of you like a balloon full of cockroaches. It's like watching a gymnast bounce her way through a perfect routine, only to let out a huge, roaring fart in the middle of her last jump. In this particular movie, the ending-fart is this:

3

Dear John -- Cancer Is Pretty Awesome

OK, maybe Dear John doesn't qualify as a particularly great movie, but Nicholas Sparks wrote the book it's based on and he's a millionaire, so obviously many, many people enjoy watching his tales of white people with troubled pasts taking a really long time to decide whether they truly love each other.

"Will she still love me when she finds out about my jaw-implant surgery?"

In Dear John, the troubled white couple is John and Savannah. Their years-long quest to decide whether they truly love each other is complicated by their friend Tim, and Savannah eventually dumps John to marry Tim. Troubled white couples need regular infusions of trouble to keep things interesting, though, so Tim quickly comes down with the cancer. John decides to sell the super-valuable coin collection he inherited and buy treatment for his romantic rival. Tim lives, and John walks away with that sweet fuzzy sense of self-satisfaction to keep him warm at night and have sex with him.

2

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- Harry Makes Things Awkward

We're watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I, and Harry and Hermione are holed up in a tent together on the run from Voldemort. A Nick Cave song starts on the tent's radio. Harry tentatively approaches Hermione and holds out his hand, and the two of them share the longest, most awkward dance to Nick Cave since my high school prom.

1

The Evil Dead -- Tree Rape

The classic 1981 horror movie The Evil Dead launched the careers of Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell. It featured groundbreaking special effects that put the actors' lives in danger but looked fucking awesome. It became one of the most popular cult films of all time. And it, uh, had a tree-rape scene.

If you're lucky enough to have been off making a nice sandwich while that scene played out, here's the recap: A group of unwise teenagers unknowingly release a bunch of demonic forces while staying in a deep-woods cabin. Soon after, one of the teenagers, Cheryl, wanders out into the forest, where she is stalked by some possessed trees, and then ... well, there's no good way for a comedy site to describe a rape scene, so here's a picture of something lighthearted instead.

More like NosPURRatu, am I right?

Why It Ruins Everything:

Genuinely shocking scenes, including rape and murder, do have their place in movies. Recently I saw a really good Canadian movie called The Wild Hunt that contains an incredibly violent scene that sort of comes out of nowhere. So when I'm recommending the film to one of my friends, or to the piles of stuffed animals that serve as my friends, I'll sometimes add a little warning along the lines of "Oh yeah, I should warn you, there is this one really violent scene," and then I explain that I believe the scene is necessary to the film because real-life violence is really shocking and horrible, and movies sometimes have a responsibility to show its consequences.

Martin Poole/Digital Vision/Getty Images
They usually understand.

But how do you attempt to explain to your friend who somehow hasn't seen The Evil Dead why the movie you're recommending has a tree-rape scene? Does tree rape contain some sort of deep metaphysical commentary about mankind and nature and shrubbery? Is there an underreported problem with tree rape in our society, and this movie wants us all to finally wake up and talk about? Or is it just in there because they had five minutes of empty screen time, and what else are you going to do with that besides add in some dendro-violation?

So instead of attempting to justify the non-consensual arboreal loving in The Evil Dead to your friend, you have to say something like: "Oh, and by the way, there's also a small amount of tree rape," and then your friend looks at you awkwardly, and you look at them, and then one of you clears your throat, and then they ask, "What about the 2013 remake version? Does that also contain non-consensual sex between woman and shrub?" and you reply, "Yes, it does. I guess the filmmakers decided that the ravishment-by-sapling was just too important to leave out," and then both of you take very long sips of your drinks while staring off into the distance.

C. Coville has a Twitter here and a Tumblr here.