Let's not sugarcoat this at all: If you're the type of person who thinks a cruise makes for a good vacation, then you're clearly one of those people who will buy anything that has a halfway decent commercial attached to it. Here's hoping that KFC Double Down chicken sandwich you most likely scarfed down the second those ads hit the air was worth the intestinal trauma.
Just joking. I know it was.
If you've never been on a cruise and are therefore wondering why such a seemingly wonderful experience would make a list of lame activities that nobody really enjoys, allow me to explain. It is my job, after all.
For one thing, one of the dirty dark secrets the cruise industry would prefer that you didn't know is that, when booking a cruise, you should immediately shave two days off of the length of time you'll actually spend enjoying yourself. Why? Because boarding a cruise ship is a lot like boarding an airplane, except instead of a couple hundred people, you're now dealing with thousands. So, if you book a three-day cruise, what that really means is that you'll spend one entire day just getting on the ship and another entire day getting off of the ship. This is time spent sitting around huffing impatiently and standing in lines that never seem to move, all so you can gain access to what amounts to a floating hotel that you can't escape from. It's like that "Hotel California" song with tropical drinks and a staff magician.
He's also understudy to the staff rapist.
Once you do actually make it on board and find your cabin, you'll be dismayed when you realize that your "luxury suite" features a front door that literally makes contact with the corner of the bed when you open it. If you can walk four steps in any direction in your cabin without running into something, well, congratulations. You probably own the entire ship. As for the rest of the travelers, they're all going to be crammed into tiny boxes with bathrooms that are so cramped you'll be lucky if your wife has enough room to bend over and shave her legs.
And even if none of those problems existed, that wouldn't change the fact that, of late, people seem to just be getting sick as shit every time they step on a cruise ship. Fine, maybe it's not every time, but if one person comes down with the yucks, it's a safe bet that damn near everyone else on board will get it, too. In those tight quarters, it's inevitable.
So, to recap, we have a slow process for getting in, cramped quarters and way too many people jammed into a small space. You know what else has all of that? Prison. Have a great trip!
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.
For more from Adam, check out The 5 Most Ridiculous Causes to Ever Get a Website and 5 Tiny Mistakes That Led To Huge Catastrophes.