When you would awake from nightmares as a child, screaming into the darkness, the first thing your mother did to reassure you was tell you that there was no such thing as monsters. All the over the top, ridiculous evil beings weren't real, she'd say; the Boogeyman, Darth Vader and Dr. Doom are just stories, she'd say; reality isn't nearly that scary, she'd say. Man, what a lying bitch.
Like this, but probably firing nuclear blasts.Jesus! There's not much in the natural world worse than wasps. It's pretty much just spiders and cancer below wasps on the scale of Asshole Life Forms... and we made them fucking atomic! Radioactive wasps are officially the scariest thing in nature. I'm not even sure how you top that theoretically. Laser snakes? Cancer-spiders? Luckily for humanity, the cleanup crew had to deduce all of this from the empty nests. They found no wasps, they reassured the press... ...because they've all moved on. Not died off, not self destructed, not swallowed by the righteous fist of a merciful God, they just... left. They abandoned their radioactive birthing grounds, deserted their nuclear hives and now there are nuclear wasps roaming the world, presumably robbing banks while screaming honey-based puns at Captain America.
Welp, that should do it. I'm ready to fight Russia.It gets even crazier: He uses stolen thermal vision goggles to huntÂ at night, and he mostly just steals things he can use like blankets, food and medical supplies. He once made-off by driving a car into a gas storage tank and using the explosion as a distraction to escape, another time by crash-landing a plane into a forest clearing and another time by slipping through the dragnet of largest manhunt in a decade. Â The FBI and police coordinated their efforts and cordoned off an entire island just to catch him. The result? Two policemen say they "think they saw him once" but that he "disappeared right in front of their eyes." Basically, he's a feral hillbilly criminal Batman.
Pictured: The Nuclear Child Molester's trusty steed, the Veloci-pedo!That's right: There was actually a radioactive pedophile professor roaming the Earth at one point in history. That's right again: Roaming the Earth. He escaped, you see. He was being escorted to jail on a ferry to Ireland, when he mysteriously slipped away from his captors and disappeared. In response to this, a judge issued an arrest warrant at which point he actually had to say these words in all seriousness: "Warn the officers that when he is arrested, he might be radioactive." That's a decree by a real court official: Beware the radioactive pedophile. That doesn't sound just sound unbelievable, the words themselves seem to defy understanding. It sounds less like a warning and more like a polite case of Tourette's.
"--but I also totally killed my bitch ex-girlfriend! WHO'S IMPOTENT NOW, GWEN?!"Jesus! He beats women so much I half-suspect it's a conveniently overlooked side-effect of his super-powers. I'm tempted to put forth the somewhat controversial theory that miraculous spider bites are the primary cause for domestic violence, but then there's guys like David Blancarte who - what? Oh, he was arrested in March? ... For domestic violence? Shit! I've got a microwave to stop! If the next time you see me, I'm an unstoppable girl-face-punching machine the likes of which this world hasn't seen since Nicolas Cage then please remember and mourn the man I was, but stop the monster I've become!
Sometimes the silliest goofballs get away with the vilest things.
The coolest thing about being famous is that you get access to other famous people just as interesting as you.
It has exactly one positive review on Rotten Tomatoes at the time of this writing.