4

Sun Wukong

Chinese culture is full of heroes with incredible powers, and there's an entire genre called wuxia (think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) where everyone has incredible, gravity-defying martial arts abilities. But if we go back further than that we can find a hero who puts almost every other superhero ever conceived to shame. Let's open up one of the classics of Chinese literature, Journey To The West (later remade for American audiences as Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle).

New Line Cinema
Some of the subtleties were lost during the adaptation.

3

Momotaro

Momotaro is a Japanese name meaning "Peach Boy." He isn't himself a peach, and he doesn't attack his enemies with peaches, or anything like that. Nor is he covered in soft, downy hair. No, he was just a boy born from a giant peach.

Wikimedia Commons
With all the proportional strength and speed of a peach.

2

Sigurd

Sigurd is a hero from Norse literature. Born mortal and without any particular powers, he is at least occasionally helped out by Odin, who pops into his life from time to time like a helpful older brother. He also has a pretty good sword, originally his father's, which he famously tests by cutting an anvil in two.

Wikimedia Commons
"Very impressive, but you know that anvil was my entire livelihood, right? I'm going to starve now."

After negotiating an anvil replacement fee, Sigurd sets out to kill the dragon that is also his foster father's brother. He does so, bathes in its blood, and then, just for fun, drinks a bit. Doing this of course allows him to understand what birds are saying, and the birds tell him to kill his foster father. He does that, then eats the dragon's heart.

So. A lot of things going on there. I'm not too sure what to make of that.

corolanty/iStock/Getty Images
Maybe ... maybe if you know any Scandinavians, keep a close eye on them?

1

Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh is the oldest superhero on this list, and right from the start we can see all the elements of a classic superhero. Superhuman strength, two-thirds god, one-third man, ruler of Uruk ... wait a second. Two-thirds god? Hang on. OK, I've done a bit of work here with a calculator, an eighth-grade health class pamphlet, and some LEGO figures, and that's not really possible. So here, in one sentence, our unknown Sumerian pulp writer has implied the wildest fucking origin story ever written.

Image Source/Getty Images
"So was it two gods and one mortal in, like, a tent one night? Or was this done surgically?
Or was one god beating off into ..."

Gilgamesh was, by most accounts, a bit of a dink. He took advantage of his rule to sleep with young brides on their wedding nights and challenge the men of his city to tests of wit and strength. The gods themselves had to keep him in line by sending him a badass friend, called Enkidu, to look after him. Enkidu was a wild, hairy man who also possessed superhuman strength, and after wrestling with Gilgamesh, earned his respect.

The two then go on all sorts of adventures, slaying a lion-snake-vulture monster, slaying a pretty big bull, probably slaying a lot of things, to be honest. But then they get into all sort of trouble because the gods really liked that bull they killed, and they slay Enkidu in revenge. Gilgamesh then vows to go on one last big score and find the sole living immortal to learn from him the secret to eternal life. He ends up finding him but isn't satisfied with the answer he receives.

Samantha via Wikimedia Commons
"What the hell is a gluten?"

And that's more or less the end of his story, and we're lucky to have that much, because it was written on a 4,000-year-old rock. But that itself underscores an important point. Seeing as Gilgamesh hails from what is essentially the dawn of history, it's reasonable to speculate there were plenty more superheroes before him. He was just one of the first written down. So rest assured that just about every modern take we've got on the superhero genre has been discussed around a fire millennia ago.

estt/iStock/Getty Images
"And then in his suit with nipples this large, our hero ..."

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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