He survived, grew up to be a strong young man, and as is so often the case with young men, got into foolish dares. After being goaded by his prospective step-father, Perseus ventured into the wilderness to kill the Medusa, a horrible snake woman who could turn people into stone with her gaze. Along the way he met up with some of his siblings (also gods, remember) who gave him a set of winged sandals and a mirrored shield and a pretty nice bag. He then found the Medusa, slew the Medusa, and tossed her head in the aforementioned bag.

That's an interesting adventure, but what really makes him superheroey are the adventures that came next as he wandered around, righting wrongs. Also of note: He apparently lugged Medusa's head around for years, like it was his mascot or something. On at least three separate occasions, he dragged it out of its sack to win an argument by turning someone into stone.

Wikimedia Commons
They don't allow this move in debate club anymore.

So. Abandoned at birth, super strength, slays evil monsters. That's basically all the ingredients needed for a modern, flawed-yet-badass superhero, plus we've got some childish use of a superweapon? Nice. Perseus rules.

Sun Wukong is the name of our hero, although he's better known as the Monkey King. Which isn't a colorful metaphor. He is a monkey, and he is the king of the other monkeys. Born from an enchanted stone and infused with the energy of the gods, Sun Wukong is effectively immortal and incredibly strong. He fights with a staff that weighs thousands of pounds and can vary in size from a sewing needle to a massive stone pillar. He can transform into other animals, where he is also presumably treated as a king. He can pluck hairs from his body to create clones of himself, to fight in battle or dominate the paint in basketball games. Also, he can cross vast distances in a single jumping somersault. He is very much like Superman, in fact, in that not only is he incredibly strong, he's also clearly assigned powers any time a writer deems it convenient.

Wikimedia Commons
Though why you would need more powers if you can summon tiny little monkey clones is unknown.

His only downside is that he's kind of reckless, although it's hard to blame him for that, because he's an immortal monkey lord who need fear no consequences. Sun Wukong rules.

He explains (as a baby) that he was sent from Heaven to be a good, peach-scented boy for a childless couple. The couple raise him, and in time Momotaro grows up to be a strong, peach-scented young man. He then sets out on an adventure to stop a group of Ogres who have been tormenting the village he lives in.

663highland via Wikimedia Commons
A problem in Japan to this day.

On his journey he befriends a talking dog, monkey, and pheasant by giving them some pretty good dumplings. Together they all go off to Ogre Island and beat the stuffing out of the Ogres and take their loot and then live happily ever after.

Momotaro's status as a superhero might seem a little hard to justify. He clearly doesn't have many powers -- niceness, talking animal friends, good dumplings -- though that still makes him more powerful than like half the X-Men or these guys. But what really cements Momotaro's position as a superhero in my mind is his story's understanding of what a "hero" is supposed to be. Unlike so many of the "gritty" superheroes we suffer through these days, Momotaro is a cool dude who is nice to his parents and does cool things with his talking pets and delicious fucking dumplings. He's an inspiration. While Batman looks miserable and Spider-Man looks angsty and Superman looks boring, Momotaro is just a rad dude who shows us an original, purer form of what a hero could be.

Wikimedia Commons
Less dead parents, more delicious dumplings.

So. A lot of things going on there. I'm not too sure what to make of that.

corolanty/iStock/Getty Images
Maybe ... maybe if you know any Scandinavians, keep a close eye on them?

Anyways, later in life, Sigurd meets his true love, then consumes a potion of forgetfulness (been there), and proceeds to forget his true love. He marries someone else, then helps his new brother-in-law get with his former lover by exchanging shapes with him and wooing her in his place (haven't specifically been there, but yeah, I can relate). This, oddly enough, ends in disaster, and Sigurd, his love, and several other people all die bloodily.

So yeah, don't be under the impression that we invented "dark" and "gritty" superheroes in the 1980s, because the Scandinavians have been all over that shit for centuries.

Gilgamesh was, by most accounts, a bit of a dink. He took advantage of his rule to sleep with young brides on their wedding nights and challenge the men of his city to tests of wit and strength. The gods themselves had to keep him in line by sending him a badass friend, called Enkidu, to look after him. Enkidu was a wild, hairy man who also possessed superhuman strength, and after wrestling with Gilgamesh, earned his respect.

The two then go on all sorts of adventures, slaying a lion-snake-vulture monster, slaying a pretty big bull, probably slaying a lot of things, to be honest. But then they get into all sort of trouble because the gods really liked that bull they killed, and they slay Enkidu in revenge. Gilgamesh then vows to go on one last big score and find the sole living immortal to learn from him the secret to eternal life. He ends up finding him but isn't satisfied with the answer he receives.

Samantha via Wikimedia Commons
"What the hell is a gluten?"

And that's more or less the end of his story, and we're lucky to have that much, because it was written on a 4,000-year-old rock. But that itself underscores an important point. Seeing as Gilgamesh hails from what is essentially the dawn of history, it's reasonable to speculate there were plenty more superheroes before him. He was just one of the first written down. So rest assured that just about every modern take we've got on the superhero genre has been discussed around a fire millennia ago.

estt/iStock/Getty Images
"And then in his suit with nipples this large, our hero ..."

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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