Nazis, white supremacists, the "alt-right" -- whatever dumb moniker you want to use (because the only people who care about the distinction are Nazis), they all have the miraculous ability to be both terrifying and ridiculous. Their ideas are scary, but the actual members seem like they could accidentally burn down their houses while trying to tie their shoes. To demonstrate, just take a look at some of the issues causing turmoil within their ranks.
There are a few companies out there that offer you the chance to spit in a cup and send it off so it can be genetically tested. Then you can find out all kinds of stuff about your ancestry, like if you really are a Cherokee princess (you're probably not) or if your ancestors are as proud and white as you (also probably not). Many a white putz has raced to modern genetic testing in the hopes that it will prove their purity.
In one of the most famous cases, lily-assed Craig Cobb, a man who was trying to organize a whites-only town in North Dakota, found out on a daytime TV talk show that he's 14 percent Sub-Saharan African. That may not sound like a lot, until you realize that this is someone who thinks North Dakota is too black.
A UCLA study delved into 153 posts on the Neo-Nazi site Stormfront from people who had done these genetic tests, and the thousands of responses in the threads. As you might expect, a number of them opened their results like excited kids on Christmas morning, only to discover that Aryan Santa Claus wasn't real and they were not the glorious end result of infinite "whites only" bedrooms. Of course, each quickly concluded that their test was probably a filthy lie of Jewish origin, or that whatever percentage of their bigoted innards that wasn't fully white must be a statistical anomaly. Someone should've told them that facts don't care about their feelings.
The world of furries is a strange and interesting place. It's not all squirrel costume sex, which is why I've never fully gotten into it, but I have seen videos, and they're oddly engaging. For our purposes, what you need to know about the world of furries is that it's a rich tapestry of lifestyles and philosophies. For example, while some furries are just folks who want to be anthropomorphic foxes, others are folks who want to be anthropomorphic Nazi foxes. And that's an issue for the other kind of Nazis, who are anthropomorphic dicks.
The group in question call themselves alt-furries. They very much still dress as animals, but those animals are dressed as Nazis. And if you're wondering how a furry dresses as a Nazi, just imagine Benicio del Toro's Wolfman, but with swastika armbands. However, regular right-wing folks like Richard "Ow, my face!" Spencer have shown the deepest depths of their intolerance by actually rejecting these furry Nazis, saying he disavowed them in a now-banned subreddit. He did not elaborate on his rationale, which probably would have made for amazing reading.
It's not even clear among the alt-furries which are actual Nazis and which are simply wearing the costume of a humanoid animal who is a Nazi (seriously, this is the subject of a bitter debate that resulted in one furry convention getting cancelled). To further complicate things, in 2005, there was a LiveJournal page dedicated solely to the celebration of all things fuzzy and Nazi, all while claiming that it wouldn't tolerate "racial hatred, genocide, [and] anti-semitism," because the internet is where sanity fucks good taste to death on a dirty mattress. One intrepid fur-bearing Nazi even wrote an erotic Nazi story called "The Furred Reich," which would imply that it's less about racism and more about being sexually aroused by racists, but only when those racists are also furries.
I realize that you likely understand this controversy less now than when you had no idea it existed at all. Let's just move on.
Humans are by nature a little shallow and judgmental. We make snap decisions, and have to make up sayings like "Don't judge a book by its cover" because we know that if we see a dude fucking a ham at a public pool, we're going to assume the worst about him based solely on the optics. He may be the nicest guy in the world, but we rushed to judgement all because of a little ham sex. Nazis have a fear of that exact same thing, minus the ham.
Andrew Anglin, hater-in-chief of The Daily Stormer, wrote up a literal PSA for his little hatelings about how to present themselves in public to avoid looking like the sad, frustrated social outcasts everyone believes them to be. The rules include things like not using Pepe the Frog signs in real life, because that is "cringe." He actually used "cringe" as a noun, which I must say is super cringe. He then goes on to detail a dress code with gems like this: "The worst look ever is a baggy t-shirt. Wear fitted t-shirts, where the sleeve goes to the middle of your bicep. It should not hang lower than base of your member [sic]." This is hard to achieve, as scientifically, most Nazis are dickless wierdoes.
Other bits of advice include "Serious men in serious situations are not wearing shorts" and "Continued obesity should not be tolerated." And then there was this winner: "We must have Chad Nationalism. That is what will make guys want to join us, that is what will make girls want to be our groupies. That will make us look like bad boys and heroes."
So if you weren't sure, white nationalists honestly think that girls would normally want to be their groupies, but the thing holding them back is shorts. This ranks a solid #2 on the list of the dumbest dumbshit things racists think. But while we're on the subject ...
While they are immune to things like basic logic, ladies on the right are not immune to irony. The men, it seems, aren't just shitty to minorities, but also to women. Even the ones who share their wackadoodle beliefs. If you're a fan of schadenfreude, this probably amuses you. It did not amuse some of the women, however.
There are a handful of women who are prominent in the world of hate. Two of them, Lauren Southern and Tara McCarthy, discovered in 2017 that when you align yourself with dudes who toss about words like "traditionalist" and "Go back where you came from," you might end up being treated with less respect than a human ought to be. And because they'd been in the spotlight espousing "ethno-nationalist" beliefs and anti-feminism and whatever else they consider conservative values, they started taking heat from their own people about why neither of them were married or having children, what with their fertile pastures of hate ready to birth some white babies.
Admittedly, these women brought it on themselves a little bit (in one of the only instances in which you can rightly say that). For instance, Southern, most famous for trying to prevent immigrants from travelling to Europe from Africa, has actually made videos that make fun of feminists who choose to stay single and childless. So naturally, her viewers asked why the hell she was single and childless. Her response to this had something to do with nuance and waiting for love, because you need to find that perfect intolerant asshole to make you happy.
Meanwhile, noted idiot and men's rights activist Roosh V dug into McCarthy, tweeting, "Risk your life and fight on my behalf so I can remain childless and make YouTube videos." This is a fun perspective because apparently someone is risking their life to fight on behalf of other "alt-right" toads. That's news to all of us. But enough people felt the same way that they ended up harassing McCarthy right off of Twitter for a while, after she tragically discovered the right wing is insensitive.
Roosh's website Return of Kings also ran a profile of Southern that amounts to explaining her fame away as a trick to exploit thirsty men. You see, in that neck of the woods, a woman with a job has that job solely to attract men with her feminine wiles, and not because she has any skill or ability. The end result of this is that "alt-right" women have come to the terrible conclusion the men in their circles treat them like garbage and also everyone else like garbage because they themselves are garbage. Weird, right?
Ever heard of the Traditionalist Workers Party? They're the clowns behind the infamous Charlottesville event from last year, so it's safe to say that this group was of some significance in the world of racists. They claimed to have chapters in three dozen cities and over 500 members. But then a curious thing happened.
Matthew Heimbach, the leader of the party, had a spokesman named David Parrot. Heimbach was married to Parrot's stepdaughter. So it's a family racist hate horde! But there was trouble in racist paradise, as Heimbach was also cheating on his wife with Parrot's wife. So to make this fully clear, super racist Matthew Heimbach was sleeping with both the wife and stepdaughter of David Parrot, who was the spokesman for their group.
Parrot had learned of the affair previously, and his wife and Heimbach swore it had ended. But Parrot didn't believe it. So after a crafty little sting operation, Parrot found himself standing on a box, peeping in a trailer window, watching his wife bang his racist boss.
Parrot confronted the pair, which horribly backfired, as Heimbach ended up choking him into unconsciousness. He then went on to beat his wife in his rage, because he's a shit dynamo.
After the racist trailer park brawl ended, so too did the Traditionalist Worker Party. Seeing the two top members throwing down on each other in the most cliche Jerry Springer style is a storm no one can weather. The rank and file clearly lost faith, and Parrot had to close the book on the group. He publicly announced it was over and done with after Heimbach was arrested on various charges, including strangulation and domestic assault. Yeah, remember when I said these people manage to be terrifying and ridiculous at the same time?
On the off chance you'll use it for good instead of evil, those 23andMe tests are actually kinda fun.
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