Ha ha, OK: He's riding one of the bikes from Akira and hes dressed like a sushi chef. Still, I would probably take him very seriously if he pointed some kind of blade at me. I would definitely try to stifle the giggles of childish awe at his life-size G.I. Joe Action Cycle. Oh, but look at that photo. Thats dated. Twenty-, 30-years old maybe. What are they riding around in now?
Holy shit! They dont even make matchbox cars that retarded. Im sorry, guys: Objectively, I know that just because you drive a car that looks like somebody microwaved the left shoulder of that lame Vehicle Voltron, that doesn't mean you're not still a tough motherfucker. But somewhere between the loading ramp on the front end, the paintjob lifted from a plastic dinnerplate at a cheap all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and the crazy-straw exhaust, you lost that intimidation factor. Oh, and if I need to reiterate: This is
by no means an isolated thing
. Its not limited to cars and bikes either--even their Rapevans look like abandoned Transformers that a child lost interest in mid-change.
Chester Prime: The only Transformer with a mustache. And a record.
Le Sapeurs: African Gentleman Pimps
Le Sapeurs are an African based gang that place supreme importance on fashion, sophistication and a gentleman's code of conduct. And though theyre not dangerous (they abhor and reject violence above all else, probably because it might scuff the wingtips), they're still a gang. It's just that they're less like the ones from Compton or Southie, and more like the ones from Michael Jacksons Bad and West Side Story. See, they do routinely engage in fights"--they just do it Zoolander style. That's right: They have walk-offs.
Look at that poor bastard on the right: He brought a cane to a pipe-fight.
And that's not me putting words in their mouths: They really do consider them "fights." Le Sapeurs assemble at outdoor bars every week and engage in fashion contests dictated around rules of engagement--primary colors only, pinstripes required, three-piece showdown--and the standards of battle change weekly. But shit, words are barely necessary. The pictures speak for themselves. For example, check the intro image up there again--see that guy on the far right, in the gray suit? Look closely: Hes smoking a duck. That motherfucker does not need anybody to explain him. Nor does this guy:
You can tell me that guy is non-violent all you want, this picture was clearly taken right before he killed Daredevil with some sort of sex-based raygun.
But you know what? I dont even believe you in the first place, previous sentences. Look at this guy's lap. You see that thing? What the hell is that? Oh sure, those outfit-offs may sound harmless, endearing, even a little gay in concept... until you realize that the victor harvests the losers goddamn scalp.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots where you can order the Strategy Guide and learn how to defeat all these gangs and more!