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Black Cobra: Swedish Glutton Gang

The Swedish Black Cobra gang are not to be trifled with. Theyre most often recognized by the telltale facemasks, dark colors and, oh yeah, the giant silk-screened logos on the back of their sweatshirts.

Seriously, guys? You show your gang affiliation the same way teenagers show their appreciation for metal bands and skateboard companies? Gang uniforms should do one of two things: be subtle, like wearing simple color patterns so you can feign ignorance if youre detained by the cops, or be completely the over-the-top, like donning spikes and full-body tattoos to scare the holy shit out of everybody around you. Unless you're Cobra Kai, simply screen-printing your logo on a sweater straight up doesnt cut it.

"Sweet gang jacket! I roll with the Mossimos, myself."

But still, uniforms aside, the Black Cobra are serious business: They specialize in theft, destruction of property and theyve even been know to--god help us--eat their enemies. ...hey, its not their fault that their enemies are often delicious snack cakes. An offshoot of the Black Cobra were arrested earlier this year for stealing 120 boxes of almond tarts, punch rolls, apple crowns and brownie treats from a local delivery truck. They slashed the side of the cargo area as the driver slept, and ran off with their precious booty of hilariously unappetizing Swedish treats. And lest you be thinking, So what? You can sell anything. Money is money, you should know that one of the suspects was apprehended while feeding his child the stolen pastries. Yep: They kept them. So just try to sleep tonight, knowing that somewhere out there in the vast, austere Nordic wasteland, a terrifying gang of masked urban warriors called the Black Cobra are roaming the darkened alleyways... stealing the Northern European equivalent of Ding Dongs.

2

Bosozoku: Japanese Cartoon Gang

Japan here! Just checking in to make sure your list of crazy bullshit had at least two spots reserved for us. Why, of course! These are Bosozuku (or more accurately, those are nerds dressed up as Bosozuku. But they are, if anything, being tastefully subtle compared to the real thing). Bosozuku is a general term--its like saying bikers in the U.S.--but it is literally impossible to just pick one single gang for their cartoonish insanity. The entire genre of hoodlum is absolutely riddled with ridiculous awesomeness. But much like cold water, sleep schedules and giant dongs, it's better to ease into this one. Heres a typical biker:

Ha ha, OK: He's riding one of the bikes from Akira and hes dressed like a sushi chef. Still, I would probably take him very seriously if he pointed some kind of blade at me. I would definitely try to stifle the giggles of childish awe at his life-size G.I. Joe Action Cycle. Oh, but look at that photo. Thats dated. Twenty-, 30-years old maybe. What are they riding around in now?

Holy shit! They dont even make matchbox cars that retarded. Im sorry, guys: Objectively, I know that just because you drive a car that looks like somebody microwaved the left shoulder of that lame Vehicle Voltron, that doesn't mean you're not still a tough motherfucker. But somewhere between the loading ramp on the front end, the paintjob lifted from a plastic dinnerplate at a cheap all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and the crazy-straw exhaust, you lost that intimidation factor. Oh, and if I need to reiterate: This is by no means an isolated thing. Its not limited to cars and bikes either--even their Rapevans look like abandoned Transformers that a child lost interest in mid-change.

Chester Prime: The only Transformer with a mustache. And a record.

1

Le Sapeurs: African Gentleman Pimps

Le Sapeurs are an African based gang that place supreme importance on fashion, sophistication and a gentleman's code of conduct. And though theyre not dangerous (they abhor and reject violence above all else, probably because it might scuff the wingtips), they're still a gang. It's just that they're less like the ones from Compton or Southie, and more like the ones from Michael Jacksons Bad and West Side Story. See, they do routinely engage in fights"--they just do it Zoolander style. That's right: They have walk-offs.

Look at that poor bastard on the right: He brought a cane to a pipe-fight.

And that's not me putting words in their mouths: They really do consider them "fights." Le Sapeurs assemble at outdoor bars every week and engage in fashion contests dictated around rules of engagement--primary colors only, pinstripes required, three-piece showdown--and the standards of battle change weekly. But shit, words are barely necessary. The pictures speak for themselves. For example, check the intro image up there again--see that guy on the far right, in the gray suit? Look closely: Hes smoking a duck. That motherfucker does not need anybody to explain him. Nor does this guy:

You can tell me that guy is non-violent all you want, this picture was clearly taken right before he killed Daredevil with some sort of sex-based raygun.

But you know what? I dont even believe you in the first place, previous sentences. Look at this guy's lap. You see that thing? What the hell is that? Oh sure, those outfit-offs may sound harmless, endearing, even a little gay in concept... until you realize that the victor harvests the losers goddamn scalp.

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You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots where you can order the Strategy Guide and learn how to defeat all these gangs and more!