Still, regardless of what you think of the man and his actions, it's unlikely that he's the real-life Ernst Stavro Blofeld in disguise, what with already fucking being the most powerful guy in the Western world. So, why is all that horse crap making rounds? It's almost like there is some major institution out there, presenting themselves as a credible entity yet knowingly feeding utter bull to everyone it can reach ...

... oh, hi, Fox News! Didn't see you there! Who would have guessed we would see you in an article about crazy conspiracy claims, channel that causes actual foxes to storm the county clerk's office to change their species' name to "pumpernickel" just so they wouldn't be associated with you. I would normally throw a [citation needed] after that sentence, but you know what? I'll do it after Fox starts doing it.

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images
"I would sue, but they tell me the last 'Giant Corporation Vs. Small, Vole-Eating Mammal' case was a fucking bloodbath."

Yeah, all the theories above -- among others -- might originally come from crazy/confused/ill-advised individuals, but they're all offered a mouthpiece and a millions-strong audience by one of the rare major news channels that makes you less informed than not watching the news at all would. Considering that the very definition of conspiracy theory is "an explanatory hypothesis that accuses people, a group, or an organization of having caused or covered up, through secret planning and deliberate action, an event, or situation that is typically harmful," there's probably an ironic joke in there somewhere.

Or, should I say Angela Hitler? You know, what with her being ol' Chaplin impersonator's daughter and all.

Via Mirror
Christ on a toast, the resemblance is uncanny!

No. No, I shouldn't. Crazy people, on the other hand, have no qualms in making the familial connection: This gem is a surprisingly popular theory among the people who are unable to comprehend a Germany that doesn't have at least some kind of Nazi conspiracy going on at all times. Generally, the "shocking discovery" is "attributed" to "leaked Stasi documents" or "secret informants" and involves "Angela Hitler" and her vast power as a part of Adolf's "long-term plan" of bringing all of Europe under the iron boot of the "Hitler dynasty." Damn, I think I ran out of my entire quotation mark supply for this column already. Here, see for yourself how this shit works:

THEMA News

"But, Chad," you ask, grabbing the nearest person screaming these theories on the street by the shoulder and immediately realizing that your hand will never be truly clean again. "Even if you forget the facts that Merkel is from Hamburg and we know precisely who her parents are, this thing makes no sense. Also, half of these people are using WWII-era pictures of Hitler and a random girl as 'proof,' but Merkel wasn't born until 1954." And you will be bombarded with long-winded explanations about artificial insemination, Soviet and Papal conspiracies, mad doctors carrying out their dead fuhrer's plan, and half the plots in the Wolfenstein franchise, all aimed to give power to a lady who, for all intents and purposes, seems to be doing a pretty decent job at governing a country. So ... good job, Conspiracy Hitler?

Of course, it could also be that the world is just full of confused and scared jerkwads who just can't accept a woman in a position of power without arbitrarily making her a pawn for a half-dozen man-fueled conspiracies. However, that would be just insane.

Oh, and he also happened to be a full-on conspiracy theorist who was convinced that Pope Pius IX arranged the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

University of Delaware
"The Mastai-Ferrettis send their regards."

According to McLoughlin's book, An Inquiry Into The Assassination Of Abraham Lincoln, the brain behind the operation to insert bullets into Honest Abe was John Wilkes Booth's co-conspirator John Surratt, who, in turn, was an honored veteran of Vatican Bullshit whose actions were either acknowledged and allowed by the pope -- or outright ordered by him. As a way of motive, McLoughlin offers that Pius IX was a bit of a pro-slavery asshole and saw Lincoln as his antithesis and a potential risk for the church's foothold in America.

To be honest, I kind of like this theory. It's a pretty intriguing idea to cast the freaking pope as a supervillain in one of the formative events of the nation, especially considering that Pius IX had a habit of dabbling in U.S. politics, and his perceived Confederacy sympathies eventually caused the Congress to flip out and sever diplomatic ties with the Vatican for an impressive 117 years. However, it's worth noting that the theory is a brainchild of a resigned priest with a notorious chip on his shoulder toward the church, and, at that point, several decades of heavy criticism against the church under his belt.

Still, maybe in some alternate universe McLoughlin was not only right, but the situation also escalated to the point where the bad guys in Call Of Duty games wear Swiss Guard uniforms instead of military fatigue.

Franco Origlia/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Not that it makes the game any easier. These guys are fucking hardcore.

Hey, speaking of weird shit revolving around popes ...

In October 2015, a scandal ravaged the Vatican: Not only was Pope Francis diagnosed with a brain tumor, but it was actually a complex plot by the pontiff's enemies to incapacitate him. The media went predictably insane: "Church in chaos: Who wants the pope dead?" screamed the headlines. Shadowy plots were speculated upon in yellow paper rags and respected dailies alike, and is it any wonder? Some fucker had actually gotten in the pope's head -- literally. That's Gabriel Byrne in End Of Days-level villainy, right there.

That is, except for the fact that the Vatican immediately cleared its throat and reproachfully mentioned that the pope doesn't, in fact, have a tumor at all, thank you very much, and the Japanese neurosurgeon who the stories say inspected Francis was quite surprised when he found out about his supposed papal head-excavation antics.

Chris Ryan/OJO Images/Getty Images
"Oh, you mean that pope? You know how it is -- can't remember all the patients."

Besides, let's face it: This "conspiracy" is easily disproved by the fact that literally everyone in the world isn't a devout (and extremely fearful) Catholic right now. Historically, the church isn't exactly known for subtlety in dealing with its enemies. If cardinals had superpowers that can give their enemies nasty brain bullshit, Scanners style, there would have been precisely one, extremely short crusade, and Martin Luther would have mysteriously dropped dead around the second hit from the hammer while nailing his theses to that church door in Wittenberg.

Curiously enough, there actually might be a whiff of real conspiracy here: As popes go, Francis is a fairly liberal one, and, as such, he probably has plenty of opposition in the notoriously stuffy Vatican. The timing of the stories happened to coincide with a fairly important synod where the pope wished to shave off some of the brimstone from the church's traditional stance on its homosexual and divorced members. Put two and two together, and the whole tumor thing seems less like divine assassination attempts and a whole lot more like classic, political spin and smear tactics.

Still, I'll eat a popemobile replica if, a few decades from now, the main thing humanity will take away from this incident isn't a bunch of lunatic fringe theories on how that one pope once got a magic brain cancer.

Conspiracy theories about the president of the Russian Federation should be pretty easy to come by because let's face it: Historically speaking, Russia is one big-ass knot of conspiracies, all falling over each other in a vodka-fueled stupor. However, its preferred brand of conspiracy tends to be of the random imprisonments, crazy-ass antics, and, of course, "And then no one saw Ivan/the Tsar/Ukraine ever again" flavor. Maybe that's why the rumors around Vladimir Putin tend to revolve around his stance re: general badassery and potential Bond villainy. His ice-cold demeanor and the fact that he last blinked in 1977 should lend themselves pretty well to the cookie-cutter lizard person speculation, but, from what I can tell, he gets no more of that than the average world leader and considerably less than Justin Bieber.

Joe Raedle/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
For whatever reason.

Of course, we know the truth behind this comparative lack of paranormal street (sewer?) cred. After all, Putin is an expert politician and has surrounded himself with the best possible advisers to keep himself ahead of the rumor game: aliens. Yes -- according to the rumor (and dumbass tabloid) mill, ol' Vlad has surrounded himself with a posse of actual, living, breathing aliens. These creatures allegedly act as the man's advisers in his endeavors in Ukraine and other fronts, and hahahahahahaha oh shit can't you just feel your brain matter dribbling out your ears as you read that sentence?

Sean Gallup/Getty Images News/Getty Images
I'm fully prepared to accept that Putin's public acting coach is a The X-Files grey, though.

Feel free to not click any of those links, by the way: They're pretty much the creme de la ratty tabloid creme, and all of them can be traced back to one crazed minor UK politician who claims that he's an alien abductee and his mother is a 9-foot-tall green alien. That's modern journalism at its scariest for you: The ramblings of a single dude can now be picked up by any amount of unabashed-yet-popular publications, gain a millions-strong audience ... and make his bullshit theories popular within the small basement-dwelling segment of that readership who read his outrageous crimes as the truth, man.

And that, friend, is why you must not believe the news when they inevitably discover that I'm a merman from Saturn, no matter how much video footage and how many expert witnesses they include.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

For more crackpot theories, see how Walmart stores are being converted into prison camps in 6 Conspiracy Theories So Damn Stupid They're Works Of Art and see why 50 Shades Of Grey spells doom for us all in 6 Conspiracy Theories That Are Unintentionally Hilarious.

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