It was clear the moment Billy came home from Arts and Crafts day: He was destined to be a Cracked writer.Researchers at the University of Rochester's School of Medicine have found
âThe only reason Iâve got a small penis is because I just care too much! Thanks, Phthalates!â
Horrifyingly enough: Actual Size!Researchers at the University of New Mexico have recently
âAlso, intelligence is directly proportional to penis size. I have an IQ of 165. Thatâs likeâ¦this!âThis new information even goes out of its way to contradict a previous study stating that handsome men were found to have better sperm. So even if you're a gorgeous half-rack of man-slab, unless you have access to a series of reputable journals who will publish articles backed with years of hard research about how you're the Ultimate Warrior Of Sex, you pretty much just relinquished all future tail to the scientists.Â If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint and distant howl of a million penises suddenly crying out in terror, and then falling silent.
MILF Appeal: The fact that you've pushed another human being out of there totally makes me want to get in there.A new product, currently undergoing testing before official release, aims to
C.H.I.L.F.?On the down side, you're going to find out first hand what H.P. Lovecraft was talking about - as millions of slippery-limbed and ancient creatures are about to become "active" again for the first time in ages, and will soon be nightmarishly jockeying for the Pole Position on your manhood.
âOh, your grandma has cancer? Well, I might know of a way you can get your hands on the cureâ¦âA dramatic discovery has revealed a new potential source for the much-desired embryonic stem cells â cells that are sought after for everything from curing cancer to reversing paralysis - and itâs one which skirts all of the inherent moral issues in harvesting cells from embryos. The new source of this miracle cure? Your testicles. Apparently certain cells harvested from human testicles are imbued with many of the same properties as embryonic stem cells, but because of their source are much more likely to pass the tough legislation. Experts say this conclusively proves that God is a complete and total tool, as only cruel-hearted divine intervention could explain why the new magical cure for basically everything wrong with life has to come from âharvestingâ your own balls.
âYou heard me. These things. These things right here. I said harvest âem.âThomas Skutella, lead researcher at the Center for Regenerative Biology and Medicine in Tuebingen, Germany, states that the chief benefit of this discovery is that there are âno longer any ethical problems with [retrieving] these cells.â Which begs the question: Is Thomas a girlâs name in Germany? If not, may I humbly offer a diagnosis of Phantom Penis Syndrome, because if you donât see an âethical problemâ with reaping the fruit of your own ball-meat, Mr. Skutella, then I can only assume your package to have been lost in delivery. I guess it could be argued that heâs just willing to put his body on the line for the good of scientific advancement but God damn - thereâs just no measure for dedication like that! I would ordinarily say that it takes giant balls to do what Thomas is doing, but I think we all know where the problem lies in that statementâ¦
Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.
Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.
In some cases, the Marvel source material just did better.