Horrifyingly enough: Actual Size!
Researchers at the University of New Mexico have recently completed some long-term studies
on the correlation between intelligence and sperm quality. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, this crack team of brilliant career scientists have definitively concluded that intelligent men have higher sperm counts, better overall sperm health, a superior genetic makeup, make for the best lifelong mates, are preferred for one night stands, and are generally much sought after in all regards by women across the board in their blind tests. Furthermore, the scientists also found that New Mexico men with PhDs report higher incomes than their peers, are easily capable of beating up all other scientists, once dunked over Michael Jordan in a one-on-one game but never brag about it, and have a 172% success rate in bringing their partners to something called âHyper-Orgasm.â
âAlso, intelligence is directly proportional to penis size. I have an IQ of 165. Thatâs likeâ¦this!â
This new information even goes out of its way to contradict a previous study
stating that handsome
men were found to have better sperm. So even if you're a gorgeous half-rack of man-slab, unless you have access to a series of reputable journals who will publish articles backed with years of hard research about how you're the Ultimate Warrior Of Sex, you pretty much just relinquished all future tail to the scientists.Â If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint and distant howl of a million penises suddenly crying out in terror, and then falling silent.
MILF Appeal: The fact that you've pushed another human being out of there totally makes me want to get in there.
A new product, currently undergoing testing before official release, aims to solve one of the main complaints
of aging women: Decreased libido. Lowered sex drive in older women is caused by diminishing levels of testosterone, and up until now the cures have always brought unwelcome and unsightly consequences. This new product, called LibiGel, is unique in that it raises testosterone levels without the usual side effects of acne and unusual hair-growth. The gel is applied, when desired, to the skin of the upper arm and takes effect almost immediately. So if, in the near future, you find yourself locking eyes with a tipsy cougar across a crowded bar and you notice, to your horror, that her upper arms are coated in slime â itâs okay! That just means sheâs rarinâ to goâ¦or else sheâs a C.H.U.D. Your call.
On the down side, you're going to find out first hand what H.P. Lovecraft was talking about - as millions of slippery-limbed and ancient creatures are about to become "active" again for the first time in ages, and will soon be nightmarishly jockeying for the Pole Position on your manhood.
The Cure for Cancer: Your Manhood
âOh, your grandma has cancer? Well, I might know of a way you can get your hands on the cureâ¦â
A dramatic discovery has revealed a new potential source
for the much-desired embryonic stem cells â cells that are sought after for everything from curing cancer to reversing paralysis - and itâs one which skirts all of the inherent moral issues in harvesting cells from embryos. The new source of this miracle cure?
Apparently certain cells harvested from human testicles are imbued with many of the same properties as embryonic stem cells, but because of their source are much more likely to pass the tough legislation. Experts say this conclusively proves that God is a complete and total tool, as only cruel-hearted divine intervention could explain why the new magical cure for basically everything wrong with life has to come from âharvestingâ your own balls.
âYou heard me. These things. These things right here. I said harvest âem.â
Thomas Skutella, lead researcher at the Center for Regenerative Biology and Medicine in Tuebingen, Germany, states that the chief benefit of this discovery is that there are âno longer any ethical problems with [retrieving] these cells.â Which begs the question: Is Thomas a girlâs name in Germany? If not, may I humbly offer a diagnosis of Phantom Penis Syndrome, because if you donât see an âethical problemâ with reaping the fruit of your own ball-meat, Mr. Skutella, then I can only assume your package to have been lost in delivery. I guess it could be argued that heâs just willing to put his body on the line for the good of scientific advancement but God damn - thereâs just no measure for dedication like that! I would ordinarily say that it takes giant balls to do what Thomas is doing, but I think we all know where the problem lies in that statementâ¦
You can read more about direct threats to your genitals from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots
, or you can save some time and just punch yourself in the crotch until you pass out.