5 Scientific Discoveries That Spell Doom for Your Penis

“Also, intelligence is directly proportional to penis size. I have an IQ of 165. That’s like…this!”

This new information even goes out of its way to contradict a previous study stating that handsome men were found to have better sperm. So even if you're a gorgeous half-rack of man-slab, unless you have access to a series of reputable journals who will publish articles backed with years of hard research about how you're the Ultimate Warrior Of Sex, you pretty much just relinquished all future tail to the scientists.  If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint and distant howl of a million penises suddenly crying out in terror, and then falling silent.

“Oh, your grandma has cancer? Well, I might know of a way you can get your hands on the cure…”

A dramatic discovery has revealed a new potential source for the much-desired embryonic stem cells – cells that are sought after for everything from curing cancer to reversing paralysis - and it’s one which skirts all of the inherent moral issues in harvesting cells from embryos. The new source of this miracle cure? Your testicles. Apparently certain cells harvested from human testicles are imbued with many of the same properties as embryonic stem cells, but because of their source are much more likely to pass the tough legislation. Experts say this conclusively proves that God is a complete and total tool, as only cruel-hearted divine intervention could explain why the new magical cure for basically everything wrong with life has to come from “harvesting” your own balls.

“You heard me. These things. These things right here. I said harvest ‘em.”

Thomas Skutella, lead researcher at the Center for Regenerative Biology and Medicine in Tuebingen, Germany, states that the chief benefit of this discovery is that there are “no longer any ethical problems with [retrieving] these cells.” Which begs the question: Is Thomas a girl’s name in Germany? If not, may I humbly offer a diagnosis of Phantom Penis Syndrome, because if you don’t see an ‘ethical problem’ with reaping the fruit of your own ball-meat, Mr. Skutella, then I can only assume your package to have been lost in delivery. I guess it could be argued that he’s just willing to put his body on the line for the good of scientific advancement but God damn - there’s just no measure for dedication like that! I would ordinarily say that it takes giant balls to do what Thomas is doing, but I think we all know where the problem lies in that statement…

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You can read more about direct threats to your genitals from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, or you can save some time and just punch yourself in the crotch until you pass out.