5 Safe Sex Devices You Didn't Even Know You Needed

You might know breath play already by way of its more popular cousin autoerotic asphyxiation, i.e. "the kind of jacking off that kills people" (see the lists of celebrities who died from it). It seems like there's no question that if this is your thing, it's safer with a partner, and safer still if you've learned from an expert how to do it. See what I mean? This is a subject you'd be nervous to bring up around the responsible adults in your life, and that fear of getting kink-shamed could get you killed. They're doing the Lord's work here.

Not that Kinky Kollege is the only place that will teach you about safely choking yourself off. Sex-focused workshops and classes aren't entirely uncommon if you go looking for them. Signing up for something like that may be awkward, but not as awkward as an emergency room visit or accidental death. Speaking of which ...

I'm making jokes here because that's my job, but it's fear of mockery that keeps people from getting help or asking the right questions in advance, so here's some dead serious advice that could save you some actual physical damage later. If you're going to insert something into your butt, the butt of someone you love, or someone you just want to do butt stuff with, there are specific features to look for, and not all sex toys have them. Make sure the object either A) has a loop you can pull, B) has a handle, or C) has a flared base that won't let it go all the way in.

And while it may be fun to improvise, it's probably best to avoid using random household objects. Lots of those ER visits are from people needing candles, cucumbers, etc. removed, complete with implausible stories about how they were changing a light bulb while naked, then slipped and landed right on top of their anime girl figurine.

Time-release restraint systems like this one will set you back less than $200. They're meant to be a fail-safe to let you out after a certain amount of time, whether anyone is there to unlock you or not. Of course, reviews mention that it doesn't necessarily work. Neither does this one. But there are still a number of different kinds you can buy to try out. That last one is a low-tech solution called an ice lock, which basically keeps you restrained until the frozen center melts and you can get free. I know that sounds less like a real thing and more like the plot of a particularly sensual '60s Batman episode, but hey, if it works, it works.

Silver has antibacterial properties, so when a company makes a dildo out of something labeled as "Ag antibacterial elastomer," it means they've mixed in silver ions and nanoparticles. These just enjoy the ride while you spelunk your nether-gulches, and then promptly murder the bacteria you left behind. So you probably still need to clean your wang-jangler off when you're done, but silver is the extra layer of protection for the people who just toss their used toys back into the Shadow Bog under the bed without even using a baby wipe on them.

Now, these studies are all recent, so if these chemicals are indeed harmful, the regulations haven't caught up (the U.S. government still classifies them as safe at the moment). Still, it seems reasonable that if they do cause problems, then it's probably best to keep them out of your orifices as much as possible. Fortunately, there are a few enterprising sex toy makers and dealers which will help you stuff a hole the phthalate-free way.

But just in general, it's a good idea to read the label on your butt plugs and strap-ons. For example, many people have broken out in a nasty rash after finding out they're allergic to the latex in the toy they just spent all night with, or they were allergic to the lube they used, some of which can be just a buffet for bacteria. You have to be just as careful about your kinky sex stuff as you are with your diet and overall health.

What's that? You're not careful at all with your diet and overall health? OK, well, this is probably as good a place as any to start.

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