Still, that doesn't absolve you of guilt. Gas pumps are like handicapped parking spots for disabled vehicles -- you leave them for those in need. Doing anything else just makes you a selfish jerk.

That means every minute you spend primping in the mirror or taking a hobo shower is another minute that some poor soul is unable to tend to his personal business.

And make no mistake, this is a high-traffic restroom. A convenience store is one of those rare places where nobody bats an eyelash if you come in to use the bathroom and leave without making a purchase. I wouldn't be surprised if 75 percent of all their purchases are the result of people looking for a tiny way to celebrate the fact that they made it to a bathroom in time.

Why do you want to stand in the way of that? Take your unnecessary tasks to the parking lot where they belong and keep your stay in a convenience store restroom brief. You'll be thankful when someone else's mindfulness of this basic rule of etiquette saves you from having an unfortunate story to share with your closest and least trustworthy friend some night when your decision making is particularly prone to lapses.

And you know what? That makes some sense, I suppose. Having to put your own soda together is kind of like bagging your own groceries, and nobody wants buying stuff to turn into a second job. When you're done sweating it out pouring 56 ounces of ice and soda into a cup the size of your head, still having the extra effort of a massive cleanup project to sop up the additional 37 ounces of beverage you've inexplicably left on the counter standing between you and some much-needed refreshment can be overwhelming. It's no wonder most people opt to do nothing instead.

Just understand that, while doing nothing is certainly within your rights, judging you harshly for doing nothing is well within the rights of everyone else. And judge harshly they will. The person who leaves a mess at the soda fountain is just one step below the person who refuses to participate in making coffee at the office even when they're the person who drank the last of the coffee. Yes, we get it, there is a person there who actually has "make coffee" in their job description, and that person is not you. But there's also a person in this world with "occasionally save child from burning building" in their job description. Does that mean you would let the terrified pleas of a youngster go unanswered if you knew you could help simply because you're not paid to do that kind of thing?

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Reminder: This house.

Wow, you said yes, didn't you? No one should be surprised, even if starting the previous sentence with the word "wow" is a total contradiction of that statement. Shirking responsibility for your crimes is one of the lowest forms of human behavior. You're probably also the type who walks into a convenience store to buy a delicious fountain soda only to leave in useless silence after discovering that the syrup necessary to produce your favorite drink has run dry. This is unacceptable as well. A dearth of necessary supplies is a humanitarian disaster at a convenience store. There's nothing convenient about not being able to purchase the items you desire in a timely manner. It's going to happen from time to time, though, especially at the soda fountain. There is no getting around that. What we still have control over is how widespread the damage will be when a supply shortage arises.

Be a hero and let somebody know when there's a problem at the soda pump. Also, clean up after yourself before you leave. Doing anything less is a slap to the face of all the decent, hardworking people who help keep the soda fountains of the world in working order, even if they aren't being paid.

That's especially true if you're hanging around to scratch a lottery ticket, because the implication is that you're going to purchase more lottery tickets should it come to pass that you win. And then what? Do you just stand there endlessly buying and cashing in tickets until your luck runs out like some kind of low-budget game show contestant? You'd better not, because that means multiple transactions, which, in the strictest of terms, amounts to cutting the line. I don't even need to tell you how important it is to not cut people in line. That's practically Ten Commandments-type material, right up there with "don't murder" and "don't drive under the speed limit in the left lane" on the list of offenses that should be punishable by eternal damnation to the unfortunate afterlife of your choosing.

Sure, the cashier should be the one to put a stop to this kind of thing, but misbehaving customers are a team responsibility. Sometimes that cashier is going to be a barely out of high school kid who doesn't know any better than to obey the terrifying older person in front of them demanding multiple transactions to see their big money scheme through to either fruition or failure (almost definitely failure). If that happens, you, the public, must intervene. Take a stand against those who waste our time in line.

Oh, and stop writing checks. Everyone. Right now. Hey, speaking of that ...

Normal people don't enjoy change, though, and I mean "change" in the ... never mind. You get it. Logical people dislike coins, so they use credit or debit cards. If you're going to be one of these "forward thinking" types who eschew apocalyptic concerns for the relative ease of paying for stuff by swiping a card, however, you're also responsible for keeping up-to-date on how to properly execute the hardware half of a bank card transaction. It used to be enough to just hand your card to the cashier, at which point he would swipe the card through a machine he operated or, depending on your age or the Third Worldness of the country you live in, run it under one of those huge plastic contraptions that use carbon paper and are a fairly decent indicator that you're somewhere you should not be whipping out your credit card.

We've moved on from that, though. And a lot of you people don't seem to realize it. Just as self-checkout lanes at grocery stores and self-service kiosks at the post office continue to baffle countless shoppers each day, so too do the intricacies of using a credit card machine.

It should be simple. In fact, it is simple. You just swipe your card, enter a pin number if you still haven't realized you can simply hit "credit" to bypass that, and then sign your name. Sometimes you don't even need to do that if the purchase is small enough. You can just grab your stuff and go.

So why do we constantly find ourselves sighing passive-aggressively at that one idiot who somehow manages to make swiping a credit card seem like a Mensa quiz? It happens all the time, usually in steps:

1. The customers realize that they haven't even removed their card from their wallet or purse. This is an early warning sign that trouble is afoot.

2. They try to hand the card to the cashier. That card reader could not possibly be more prominently placed in front of them, but they're going to give it a try. It's instinct.

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This picture might as well be the 1970s.

3. They will express momentary surprise over this machine's existence. It's the same as saying "ouch" when you bump your foot on something without really hurting it. You expected it was going to hurt, and your body naturally expressed that. Except in this case, you were apparently expecting to see a flux capacitor or something instead of the same credit card machine we've all been using forever now.

4. They will swipe the card with the magnetic strip facing the wrong way, but only after thinking about it for 34 seconds.

5. They will enter the wrong pin or wrong zip code, because at this point the pressure of having to adapt to our ever-changing world has broken them, even if just temporarily.

If this sounds like you, I don't know, maybe see if your local convenience store will let you log some training hours on their credit card machine when business is slow. Maybe you should go make hundreds of $1 purchases to get your technique down. Again, I don't know, I just want you to learn how to swipe a credit card. And if you're holding up the line at a convenience store because that's something you haven't bothered to learn yet, everyone else wants you to figure it out, too. Right there on the spot, preferably.

Learn to properly use the credit card machine at a convenience store and you'll quickly learn how to make temporary friends out of the people in line behind you. But mess it up and you might as well be the dumbest person in the building. The choice is yours.

Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.

For some convenient knowledge, visit Cracked's Food for Thought, where you can grab these fresh bites of funny: When Lobster Was Spam: 5 Gourmet Foods That Used to be Cheap, 4 Foods Renamed So That You Might Actually Eat Them, and 5 Awful Life Lessons Learned During a Spicy Food Challenge.