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Man Buys His Old Car Back to Prove He Didn't Speed

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Englishman Dale Lyle could never fully appreciate the exhilarating flirtation with death that is speeding. His Honda Civic was 14 years old, an age where Lyle probably gave some serious thought to Old Yellering that wheezing bucket to end the suffering. And then one day he got a speeding ticket in the mail, which was like telling a mime to shut the fuck up.

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"OH MY GOD! WE GET IT, ALLEN! YOU'RE IN A GODDAMN BOX! NO ONE LIKES YOU!"

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Woman Fakes Her Own Death to Avoid a Series of Tickets

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Death is the ultimate problem-solver. Cops can't arrest you if you step in front of a train and get exploded. What are they going to do, slap cuffs on the sponges that soaked up your body-slop? It just sucks that the dying part is so obnoxiously permanent. Luckily, centuries ago, some brilliant scumbag invented lying about being dead, and people have been trying to pull it off ever since. Kimberly Du from Des Moines, Iowa, tried to do it, but ultimately she sucked at being dead.

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See, this is why you always learn from dogs.

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Australian Man Reports His Car Stolen to Get Out of a Ticket ... 20 Different Times Over 13 Years

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The biggest question this story will leave in your mind isn't how the guy got away with not paying parking tickets for over a decade, I'll be explaining that. The real question is: Why did it go on as long as it did? By the end of this story you'll be wondering how a city's entire police force could have been lobotomized without anyone raising an eyebrow.

Mario Hili from North Geelong, Australia, was caught speeding and running red lights 20 times over 13 years. He never once got points on his license, and he never once paid a fine -- 20 tickets, no punishment. You know when people get frustrated and say, "Who do I gotta blow to [thing that needs to get done] around here?!" At first glance, it seems like Hili knew exactly who to blow to get a ticket dismissed, and with 20 tickets over 13 years, they boiled their business blow jobs down to a mundane routine. The truth was a little more complicated than that, but not by much.

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"Let's get down to brass tacks -- I ran a red. I'll give your hog some lip service, then we'll do lunch."

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Guy Writes Passive-Aggressive Letter and Gets Ticket Withdrawn

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Screaming obscenities at a meter maid will never get your ticket withdrawn. But if the actions of an unnamed person from Melbourne, Australia, prove anything, it's that you don't have to be vulgar to get your ticket dismissed -- you just have to be a delightfully sarcastic dick.

Didgeridoo Dundee (the name I'm giving the unnamed Australian) parked his car in a space along the street. He walked to his trunk to take out his briefcase. In the briefcase was the money he was going to use to pay for the space at the parking meter machine, which was near the front of the car. In the time it took Didgeridoo Dundee to walk from the driver seat to the trunk to the ticket machine, a meter maid left a ticket on his windshield.

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Didgeridoo Dundee, visual approximation.

This happened 40 seconds after parking. The meter maid, shocked to discover the car's owner would still be hanging around 40 seconds after the car was parked, came face-to-face with Didgeridoo Dundee and said, "Where did you come from?" -- the meter maid fully acknowledged that Didgeridoo Dundee had just parked the car and was intending to pay. Didgeridoo Dundee got the ticket anyway.

Didgeridoo Dundee figured, why bother getting lawyers involved when he could write a glorious, extremely passive-aggressive letter to the Melbourne Parking and Traffic to contest the ticket? And so he did:

"Seriously, I've gotta hand it to him -- this guy's a genius. Somehow he knew I fully intended to comply with the regulations and pay for my parking, so he did what any good parking officer would do -- he wrote me a ticket before I even had the chance to walk the 8 steps to the machine & pay for one. Officer 335 must get a raise, no questions asked."

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"And while you're at it, make him president of the world."

He continued by placing the blame squarely on himself:

"I accept full responsibility for not getting from my car to the ticket machine in time. The 30-40 seconds I let lapse between parking and finding my $8.00 was clearly my fault ... In the interim, I will commence winding down my window as I pull in and throwing my coins at the ticket machine in the hope that some find their way into the coin slot."

Didgeridoo Dundee signed the letter "Yours in disbelief" and sent it off. Eight days later, the ticket was withdrawn. And so, for the first time in recorded history, intense, highly condescending sarcasm directed toward a government worker actually accomplished something. It never worked again.

Luis is currently falsifying documents to make it seem like his evil twin brother ran all those red lights. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.