4

Police Dogs Are Learning To Hunt Semen

When I was a kid, a K9 officer from the local police came to my school to give us a lecture on I have no idea what. There was a dog there! I got to pet the dog! Looking back on it, it was probably a drug-sniffing dog. And if we're going to ruin people's lives over owning cocaine, why not teach a dog to use it's sniffing superpowers to detect trace amounts of it? Now with that in mind, it's time to meet a European police dog that's trained to hunt semen.

The benefit of spunk spaniel training is obvious. The canines can help track down sex offenders and other leaky criminals (they're already adding a sixth semen-sniffer in Amsterdam). But spare a moment to consider the trainer who probably never imagined that they were going to have to teach a dog to learn the stank of human chowder. How does that even work?

According to this Dutch article, first you need a ready supply of wiener sauce. And varied sources, because you need your pup to be able to track this stuff in general and not just the jizz of one specific individual. Dutch police, who pioneered this kind of training, enlisted volunteers at the local hospital. Everyone was informed of the nature of their contribution, and samples were harvested with the help of medical professionals. I assume that means that if you broke your foot, they may hand you a cup and ask you to fire off a wrist rocket for the good of justice while a man in a lab coat silently judges your technique.

3

Rail And Iron Workers Learn Suicide Prevention

Regardless of their reasons for doing so, the fact is that people frequently commit suicide by jumping in front of trains. In Britain, someone does so every 31 hours, a number so baffling that I had to Google it more than once to make sure it wasn't bullshit. So, given the frequency, it's no wonder that British Rail workers are trained in suicide prevention techniques now. They learn to watch for warning signs, like people waiting on platforms who never get on trains, or those who show up in pajamas or hospital gowns and slippers.

Rail workers are trained to directly confront these people, to sit and talk with them about how they're feeling and whatever they may be going through. Between April and October of 2013, 313 people were stopped by others who noticed that something seemed off and tried to lend a hand. Since this program was started, there's been a 12 percent drop in suicides.

Likewise, in the U.S., when people find themselves drawn to the Golden Gate Bridge as a spot to shuffle off the mortal coil, it's not always psychologists or police going to save them; it's Golden Gate iron workers. They're the only people who have the skills necessary to easily navigate the bridge, specifically the dangerous parts that are super high up and past safety rails.

2

Referees Have To Know How To Curse In Every Language They Might Encounter

Who's the most important person on the field during any single sporting competition? Did you say the referee? You're dead wrong, it's whoever's in the hilarious mascot uniform. Those people are a blessing. But referees deserve some credit, as their jobs are a little more complex than you might imagine. For instance, when it comes to international sports, a lot of umpires and refs need to be trained in the fine art of international cussing.

FIFA referees get access to an official handbook of cussing in 17 different languages in the lead-up to the World Cup, because "FIFA" stands for "Fighting International f**k Accidents." You don't want anyone letting loose a swear and sullying the good name of professional football, a sport known for its civility and sometimes for when a dude will stick his finger up an opponent's ass as a distraction.

1

Prostitutes Are Trained To Use Defibrillators

Sex workers have been getting a bad rap for a hell of a long time, because we live in a world in which people pretend their own sex lives are pure while other people's are depraved filth. The truth is that everyone eats ass in 2018 -- that's a fact I read on Twitter, which is where the president lives, so you know it's true. Sex work is a legit way to make a living, and people have been doing it for as long as some body parts have fit into other body parts. And now there are sex workers who are getting lifesaving training in the workplace -- not for themselves, but for clients who can't handle the ride.

Brothels in Switzerland started training employees to use defibrillators after a series of incidents convinced them it was necessary to do something to stop dudes from dropping dead mid-coitus. And let's be honest, you never want someone to drop dead in the middle of banging you. Aside from the trauma, how do you go about getting paid after that happens? And even if they paid in advance, there's no tip now. You can't just ask the next of kin, and if you try to sneak it yourself, it really looks bad on you.

The town of Lugano, where there are 38 brothels, instituted the policy back in 2010 after one elderly fellow took that long hard road out of town. One of the brothel owners pointed out that dead customers aren't good publicity. That is, of course, true of nearly every industry, except mortuaries and dystopian murder sports.

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