Ian Fortey
·
Lots of jobs will throw you curveballs from time to time. Writing my first internet article involved researching greasy butthole leakage, which definitely wasn't in any of the Mark Twain biographies that I've read. My point is, regardless of where you work, your job training is going to include things that you never suspected. In the case of these five relatively common jobs, they're things that no one on Earth expected.
Ever read a story about a man who isn't me getting his penis stuck in a weird place? It happens a lot. Here's a guy who got it stuck in a bottle. This one chose a pipe. A bench. A vacuum. A subway gate. A dumbbell. I could probably list everything on Earth with a hole in it and several things that don't have them (yet), and you could find a corresponding news story about dong trappage.
So when metal cock rings were invented, it was inevitable that guys would constantly be confused about what diameter was necessary for safe extraction. As a result, German firefighters are now receiving training in the fine art of cock ring rescue. That link contains some great and terrifying photos of these heroes practicing cutting a too-tight cock ring off a fairly realistic rubber boner.
Just to paint you a picture, the firefighters are equipped with what looks like a tiny pie server. The little dessert tool is slipped between the tender flesh and the metal band, while a gel that can absorb intense heat is spread all over the place, because shit is about to get real. The exposed pork mallet needs to be bandaged so it can avoid sparks and shrapnel. A small grinder is then used to cut the ring away while the victim's entire life flashes before their eyes.
A callous person might argue that anyone who continually gets their wang jammed into too-tight spaces is simply an example of natural selection trying to tell us something, but our courageous rescuers do not make such judgments. And while we're talking about dick stuff ...
When I was a kid, a K9 officer from the local police came to my school to give us a lecture on I have no idea what. There was a dog there! I got to pet the dog! Looking back on it, it was probably a drug-sniffing dog. And if we're going to ruin people's lives over owning cocaine, why not teach a dog to use it's sniffing superpowers to detect trace amounts of it? Now with that in mind, it's time to meet a European police dog that's trained to hunt semen.
The benefit of spunk spaniel training is obvious. The canines can help track down sex offenders and other leaky criminals (they're already adding a sixth semen-sniffer in Amsterdam). But spare a moment to consider the trainer who probably never imagined that they were going to have to teach a dog to learn the stank of human chowder. How does that even work?
According to this Dutch article, first you need a ready supply of wiener sauce. And varied sources, because you need your pup to be able to track this stuff in general and not just the jizz of one specific individual. Dutch police, who pioneered this kind of training, enlisted volunteers at the local hospital. Everyone was informed of the nature of their contribution, and samples were harvested with the help of medical professionals. I assume that means that if you broke your foot, they may hand you a cup and ask you to fire off a wrist rocket for the good of justice while a man in a lab coat silently judges your technique.
The trainer has to take the dog out into the world with a very long tool to dab semen hither and yon. Maybe a drop on a tree stump, maybe a dash on a squirrel, whatever you please. You wait a half hour or so to marinate, and then let the dog smell a control sample before sending it off into the wilds. A dog's sense of smell is so good that they can find a drop only one millimeter across -- and if the sample is indoors and well-preserved, they can find it literally months later. Good boy!
Regardless of their reasons for doing so, the fact is that people frequently commit suicide by jumping in front of trains. In Britain, someone does so every 31 hours, a number so baffling that I had to Google it more than once to make sure it wasn't bullshit. So, given the frequency, it's no wonder that British Rail workers are trained in suicide prevention techniques now. They learn to watch for warning signs, like people waiting on platforms who never get on trains, or those who show up in pajamas or hospital gowns and slippers.
Rail workers are trained to directly confront these people, to sit and talk with them about how they're feeling and whatever they may be going through. Between April and October of 2013, 313 people were stopped by others who noticed that something seemed off and tried to lend a hand. Since this program was started, there's been a 12 percent drop in suicides.
Likewise, in the U.S., when people find themselves drawn to the Golden Gate Bridge as a spot to shuffle off the mortal coil, it's not always psychologists or police going to save them; it's Golden Gate iron workers. They're the only people who have the skills necessary to easily navigate the bridge, specifically the dangerous parts that are super high up and past safety rails.
Iron workers aren't required to do suicide prevention, but some of them volunteer for the duty simply because no one else can. The most famous of these volunteers, Ken Hopper, had personally rescued over 30 people between the mid 1980s and 2001, which technically makes him an honorary Batman. And what kind of training do iron workers get in talking people down? Not a ton. Psychologists have offered seminars, but as Hopper points out, they often end up asking questions themselves, because the iron workers have actually lived through it, while those training them only know the job on paper.
Who's the most important person on the field during any single sporting competition? Did you say the referee? You're dead wrong, it's whoever's in the hilarious mascot uniform. Those people are a blessing. But referees deserve some credit, as their jobs are a little more complex than you might imagine. For instance, when it comes to international sports, a lot of umpires and refs need to be trained in the fine art of international cussing.
FIFA referees get access to an official handbook of cussing in 17 different languages in the lead-up to the World Cup, because "FIFA" stands for "Fighting International Fuck Accidents." You don't want anyone letting loose a swear and sullying the good name of professional football, a sport known for its civility and sometimes for when a dude will stick his finger up an opponent's ass as a distraction.
Tennis is as civilized as football, only with more grunting and ball boys. Umpires who wish to serve at Wimbledon (which is roughly tennis' version of WrestleMania) have to go through extensive training, which includes being familiar with the curse words in a number of languages in case Maria Sharapova calls someone a worthless cock-strudel in Russian. Why does that matter? Because they fine players for swearing. You can get dinged with a $2,500 fine merely for telling your opponent to go fuck a pumpkin.
Similarly, Brazilian refs working the England vs U.S. World Cup matches back in 2010 had to brush up on English swears, both of the American and the Brit variety. After all, no one calls anyone a twat in Brazil.
Sex workers have been getting a bad rap for a hell of a long time, because we live in a world in which people pretend their own sex lives are pure while other people's are depraved filth. The truth is that everyone eats ass in 2018 -- that's a fact I read on Twitter, which is where the president lives, so you know it's true. Sex work is a legit way to make a living, and people have been doing it for as long as some body parts have fit into other body parts. And now there are sex workers who are getting lifesaving training in the workplace -- not for themselves, but for clients who can't handle the ride.
Brothels in Switzerland started training employees to use defibrillators after a series of incidents convinced them it was necessary to do something to stop dudes from dropping dead mid-coitus. And let's be honest, you never want someone to drop dead in the middle of banging you. Aside from the trauma, how do you go about getting paid after that happens? And even if they paid in advance, there's no tip now. You can't just ask the next of kin, and if you try to sneak it yourself, it really looks bad on you.
The town of Lugano, where there are 38 brothels, instituted the policy back in 2010 after one elderly fellow took that long hard road out of town. One of the brothel owners pointed out that dead customers aren't good publicity. That is, of course, true of nearly every industry, except mortuaries and dystopian murder sports.
Follow Ian on Twitter, because he follows you in your dreams.Support Cracked's journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more surprising realities of the modern job market, check out 5 Surprising Ways The World Is Secretly Looking Out For You and Jobs With Awful Downsides That You Wish You'd Known About.
Follow us on Facebook. And we'll follow you everywhere.
Sex scandals were rampant in the supposed Golden Age ... they were just easier to cover up.
Being a household name doesn't exactly make someone a role model.
Forget 'morale-boosters,' we'd rather have the money.
Who writes this stuff?
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.
Buckle up. This article is gonna be wild.
85 Comments